PILES, HOW DO YOU CURE THEM?

[El Prez]

It'll stop him getting cold sores if nothing else; the question begging to be asked is how does he manage to get there in order to transfer said nasty infection to his rosy red lips?

[Artist]

Mike

Their getting better by the day. Stopped sh**ing sideways just before christmas. New years day caused a slight regression. I found 5 bottles of damson wine under the stairs (4 years old). Got son in law Pi**ed and drank rest over the course of the day. That night had the worst case of the sh*ts since my dose of Malta dog.

Daughter mk2 bought me an inflatable ring for me bottie for christmas. She 'really' cares. Trouble is she likes telling visitors all about 'daddies little problem'

Arr steve evans

[Mike]

Glad to hear it, steve.... Yeh I have the same problem with all three Daughters.
They bring their, respective, new boyfriends round for the first time they are usually the size of a barndoor and still have the Gym equipment attached to their legs, you know the type, built like a brick shithouse, then the daughters happily introduce me, not as ME Dad, but as the familie's 'Trained Killer' apart from making me wish I had a slit trench to dissappear into, it makes me sound like a bloody Rotwhiler!
I got used to it now, I just SNARL at them and offer them a pint of RED BULL!...... keeps them awake for a while and attentive, my girls appreciat my gesture!?

[harry hackedoff]

In all seriousness( what from you, Hackedoff You lying bastard )
I used to suffer from the old Farmers, till I started post defecational cleaning with baby wipes.
Farmer Giles are a thing of the past, you`ll be glad to know.
Apparently, love bites on yer piles is a sign of great affection.
At least that`s what Rob said, as he was attempting to give me some

yours, Aye,

Harry

[El Prez]

Harry, is that an Australian thing, wiping yer arse with a baby, or is it scouse hard man routine?

[veloman]

Steve

This is only my second visit to this thread as it brought back to many bad memories from my medical past,glad to hear that things are getting better for you.During my painful,bleeding,odd walking confinement with piles a wise doctor told me that in the West we crap in the upright ,sitting position.Apparently this is not as nature intended and we should adopt the third world posture of the full squat,all to do with correct internal pressures required for defication.He suggested that I use the toilet seat as normal but bring the knees up and rest the feet on a low stool.After my initial apprehension, things got better and I have'nt had a recurrence ever since.He was a Naval doctor of some experience and he explained the reason that so many servicemen suffered with this complaint was the fact that crapping was usually done" at the rush" thereby tearing tissue internally.For me it was a lesson for life.So,short of squating like an Arab in the garden twice a day and dragging your arse along the lawn,try the more acceptable method of raising the knees a few inches.

PS.I bear no responsibility if a yard of intestine ends up in the crapper.

Aye Veloman

[Artist]

Dear veloman

In order to take dump as you suggest I need working knees. My right one is buggered up because of my knackered back (I walk with a limp, just a limp in my leg not a limp D**k, before anyone starts). Anyway, over the years bits have given up the ghost.

The 'Experts' want to fiddle with bits to make aye better. After 17 Op's my last words of text to the 'experts' was something along the lines of 'Go and have short, sharp, jerky, erotic movements, ar*eholes'. I'll be a biff.

The only good thing I ever got out of having a dodgey right knee was the 'Gruppenfuereur' (QARNNS. She smells a bit but has got a heart of gold, and she outranked me when we met!).

Pulled up Jennycliffe in 74 carrying an A41 radio and full kit. I hate rollerhaulage!!! They gave us a knew knee.

It is now BLR. Yes, Isn't life tragic

Arr steve evans

[veloman]

Steve

It looks as if a new fangled method of crapping is the least of your considerations.I'm a chartered physiotherapist,if I can help give me a message.

Aye Veloman

[El Prez]

Two feet of brass 1/2 inch tubing attached to a Vax machine seems next in your purchasing dept!! Just make sure it's on suck and not blow.

[Pilgrim Norway]

Steve -

If you find a remedy let me know - I'll apply it to my pc - which has now
gone belly up - Just as painful as piles. - Well, you know....

Lost everything - Word - Excell - Powerpoint - photographs,
documents - e mail - etc and et bloody cetera...

Two and a half minutes just to turn a page here now .... & 2 back !

I'll be orf line for a while you all .... until 'She who decides' lets me
sign for a new one....

'Aye - pm me if you need to !

[Artist]

Dear all

Have stopped Sh**ing sideways!! (deep joy, O yes indeedy deep joy) Nearly back to normal. It has been HELL.

Every so often it (the piles) makes a comeback. But a good squeeze of Germerloids every morning makes life feel and seem better.

Gruppenfueruer said that I have been much nicer this last few days. So.
Untill someone tells me that the NHS is:

A. caring.
B. good.
C. Able to help me.

They can shove their treatment up their backside!!!! (no 'plum' intended)

Aye steve evans

[Sisyphus]

Steve

Try a couple of pints of Ormeg juice and limers. It may not cure them but you probably won't feel anything when you're in motion. If you get my drift.

[harry hackedoff]

Or an ice cube up the hoop, perhaps? Sadist.
You can go off people, you know
Icy water indeed

My current diet works wonders....
Everything on the barby(not custard, Rob )
Loads of fresh fruit
The juice of four oranges with breakfast
Top up with pineapple juice all day long
Plenty of peaches
Etc

Eye of the needle mate, eye of the needle.
Don`t even think of farting, though.
Followed through six times today, can`t imagine why

By the way, did you know Richard Gere uses Preparation H (no relation) on his face? Reduces the bags under his eyes, allegedly.
Wonder what the Gerbil up his hoop is for
Aye, Harry