free ale and you didnt even give him a reach around? shame on you........
W.W.W
*but keep em coming mate, t'is giving me a laugh*
Share This Page:
Bootneck Humour
-
Wee Willy Winkie
- Member
- Posts: 461
- Joined: Wed 08 Feb, 2006 2:00 pm
- Location: Wirral, Merseyside.
-
Artist
- Guest
WWW
He had a full Beard and a well stocked Beergut. As it was I had got a few years under me belt and at that stage of training was well able to look after meself. So a well oiled Matelot was no problem.
Whilst in Stonehouse Barracks I had the misfortune of having to share a grott (room) with this right Crabby little bugger of a Clerk. There were four of us in the Grott and me and the other two lads had warned the CRAB that best he squared away his dirty Dhoby and washed a bit more often a fair number of times.
Come Saturday night, Sunday Morning around 0200hrs me and me oppos got back to the grott after a runashore down Union Street and found the crabby little gett crashed out in his pit (bed) and all his dirty Dhoby strewn around his bedspace and some left on the table where we were going to eat our Chinky takeaway.
That was the final nail in his coffin. We were bolloxed if we were going to eat our Chinky Nosh with a pair of his nicks complete with skid marks staring at us! I got a roll of pussers masking tape out of me Locker, Tore of a strip and wacked it over his mouth. The other two blokes held him down in his pit and I proceeded to use the entire roll of maskers on him and his pit. Wound it round and round him until he had the look of a Mummy. Left his head free mind didnt want to suffocate the Crabby little git.
As it was it wasnt enough so one of the other blokes got some more maskers out of his locker and proceeded to carry on from where I had left of. At the end he couldnt move as two rolls of Maskers was more than enough to disable him.
Once we were happy that he wernt going anywhere we got a couple more blokes who had come back with us to give us a hand to take the bed and the crab downstairs. Right pain it was but we did it in the end. We had to tilt the pit ninety degrees to get him out of the door and out into the open air.
So there we were five of us carrying this bed out onto the Parade Ground. We left him right in the middle of it and went back to our grotts. Chucked all his Dirty Dhoby into a Placky bag and I went out again and stuck it on the end of his bed. About turned and went back indoors, ate me scran and then got me head down.
The next morning we looked out and saw about twenty odd blokes gathered around the Crabs Bed laughing their heads off. No body helped him. He was there until about Ten in the morning then some Officer going out in his car sussed him out. Went to the Guardroom and demanded to know why the Guard hadnt noticed him (they had but knew like we did that he was a crab so they had left him as well!).
Monday morning and me and the other blokes were up in front of the OC HQ & Sigs Sqn. Of the Crab there was no sign. We got a bollocking but no more and were told that Marine "CRAB" had been Drafted ASAP. And Don't do it again!!! So it worked out swimmingly for all concerned. Our Grott was once more clean and tidy, and the Crab got Drafted away to some other unit where if he had any sense he would sort himself out.
Artist
He had a full Beard and a well stocked Beergut. As it was I had got a few years under me belt and at that stage of training was well able to look after meself. So a well oiled Matelot was no problem.
Whilst in Stonehouse Barracks I had the misfortune of having to share a grott (room) with this right Crabby little bugger of a Clerk. There were four of us in the Grott and me and the other two lads had warned the CRAB that best he squared away his dirty Dhoby and washed a bit more often a fair number of times.
Come Saturday night, Sunday Morning around 0200hrs me and me oppos got back to the grott after a runashore down Union Street and found the crabby little gett crashed out in his pit (bed) and all his dirty Dhoby strewn around his bedspace and some left on the table where we were going to eat our Chinky takeaway.
That was the final nail in his coffin. We were bolloxed if we were going to eat our Chinky Nosh with a pair of his nicks complete with skid marks staring at us! I got a roll of pussers masking tape out of me Locker, Tore of a strip and wacked it over his mouth. The other two blokes held him down in his pit and I proceeded to use the entire roll of maskers on him and his pit. Wound it round and round him until he had the look of a Mummy. Left his head free mind didnt want to suffocate the Crabby little git.
As it was it wasnt enough so one of the other blokes got some more maskers out of his locker and proceeded to carry on from where I had left of. At the end he couldnt move as two rolls of Maskers was more than enough to disable him.
Once we were happy that he wernt going anywhere we got a couple more blokes who had come back with us to give us a hand to take the bed and the crab downstairs. Right pain it was but we did it in the end. We had to tilt the pit ninety degrees to get him out of the door and out into the open air.
So there we were five of us carrying this bed out onto the Parade Ground. We left him right in the middle of it and went back to our grotts. Chucked all his Dirty Dhoby into a Placky bag and I went out again and stuck it on the end of his bed. About turned and went back indoors, ate me scran and then got me head down.
The next morning we looked out and saw about twenty odd blokes gathered around the Crabs Bed laughing their heads off. No body helped him. He was there until about Ten in the morning then some Officer going out in his car sussed him out. Went to the Guardroom and demanded to know why the Guard hadnt noticed him (they had but knew like we did that he was a crab so they had left him as well!).
Monday morning and me and the other blokes were up in front of the OC HQ & Sigs Sqn. Of the Crab there was no sign. We got a bollocking but no more and were told that Marine "CRAB" had been Drafted ASAP. And Don't do it again!!! So it worked out swimmingly for all concerned. Our Grott was once more clean and tidy, and the Crab got Drafted away to some other unit where if he had any sense he would sort himself out.
Artist
-
Wee Willy Winkie
- Member
- Posts: 461
- Joined: Wed 08 Feb, 2006 2:00 pm
- Location: Wirral, Merseyside.
-
Creamy Goodness
- Member
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Wed 23 Nov, 2005 8:43 pm
- Location: Brighton
-
Artist
- Guest
-
Artist
- Guest
Bollox to it heres another Dit:
Whilst serving on HM Ships trust and honesty is a must. One T Leaf (Thief) can create mayhem.
Whilst I was serving on HMS Fearless I lived in 4L2 Mess. About Twenty Odd of us cheek to jowl. Eight Bootnecks and the rest Matelots (Sailers). All in all we got on fairly well. The odd disagreement did occur but mainly as I said, we all got on.
Now each Mess had a Messdeck Fridge. And people would put bars of Chocolate, Cans of Coke and suchlike in it. As I said Trust is important in such a confined space. So you didnt help yourself to someone elses stuff. It may sound daft sounding off about a bar of chocolate or a can of Coke but onboard ship little things like that are important.
However during one Med Trip various people would go to the fridge and find a bar of chocolate missing, a Can gone. And it started to get a Tad nasty with blokes accusing other blokes of helping themselves to other peoples property.
Us Bootnecks had a shrewd idea just who the culprit was. So one day Tam Wright our Messdeck Cpl went ashore in Valleta, Malta and bought a bar of Ex-Lax Chocolate. The stuff to help people have a dump when they are constipated.
Tam then got a Big bar of Cadburys Milk Chocolate from the NAAFI. Scraped away some of the chocolate from the back and melted in the bar of Ex-Lax. Broke a couple of pieces off the bar of Milk Chocolate and put it in the fridge. That night guys came back from ashore in varying degrees of Drunkeness, ranging from Slighty Merry to Out of their faces.
Peace decended on the Mess and soon various noises were heard. Snores, Farts, Burps the normal noises of a Messdeck whilst alongside in fact. Round about four in the morning we were woken by Jock M****Y who was sweating and moaning like anything.
"Arr Jeez, Ma Farkin Guts a killing me!" Jock moaned.
"Away and see the Doc then!" Tam told him.
So Jock stumbled up the messdeck ladder but didnt make it in time. He Shat everywhere! Like Hot Chocolate it was! The Bloke was in real trouble. So we called the duty MA who turned up, took one look at Jock all covered in Shit and still shitting for Scotland and called for a first aid team who strapped him onto a Stretcher and rushed him to the Sickbay.
A few hours later Jock was in real danger of de-hydrating so they rushed him to RNH Mtarfa the Naval hospital. Where they put him on a saline drip and made him "Nil by Mouth". Three whole days he was in the Hospital. At one stage a Surg Lt RN came onboard and met us all in our messdeck. He asked us what Jock had eaten before he had got his Head down. Tam being the Messdeck Cpl was our spokesman and told him that to the best of his Knowledge
"Marine M****Y had had a wee bit O Choccy fra the Fridge, why was it Food Poisoning then Sir?"
To which the Surgeon Lt replied; "Were not sure at the moment but I just wanted to check to see that no one else had the same symptons. Is there any of the chocolate bar left?"
The reply was in the negative. Then Tam asked how Jock was?
"Marine M****y is a very poorly young man Cpl" The Surg Lt answered.
"Will Ye tell the lad that we are all thinking O him then please Sir" Said Tam.
"Off course I will, It's nice to see that you care about your men Cpl" Said the Surg Lt. And at that left the messdeck.
A couple of days later Jock returned to the Ship, my but he had lost a lot of weight. As it was Tam was on duty when Jock returned to the messdeck so it was not until Stand Easy that Tam saw Jock for the first time since his "Illness".
"How yer feelin then Alan?" Said Tam.
"Arr still feel like shite Tam" Replied Jock.
"Aye and if you ever ha the nerve ta eat ma bar O Choccy agin Alan, ail put two more bars O fookin Ex-Laz choccy doon your thiefing throat Ma Sen. Ye Ken where I'm commin fra ye thiefing little bugger!!!" Said our Tam!
The look on Jocks face was a picture to behold as the entire Messdeck Cheesed down at the thieving little Gits look of astonishment! As Tam said later "The thieving little sod brought it all on hisself" As far as I am aware Jock never touched a bar of Chocolate from that day forward whilst serving on the Fearless. But after that we had no more problems with thieving on 4L2 mess.
Artist
Whilst serving on HM Ships trust and honesty is a must. One T Leaf (Thief) can create mayhem.
Whilst I was serving on HMS Fearless I lived in 4L2 Mess. About Twenty Odd of us cheek to jowl. Eight Bootnecks and the rest Matelots (Sailers). All in all we got on fairly well. The odd disagreement did occur but mainly as I said, we all got on.
Now each Mess had a Messdeck Fridge. And people would put bars of Chocolate, Cans of Coke and suchlike in it. As I said Trust is important in such a confined space. So you didnt help yourself to someone elses stuff. It may sound daft sounding off about a bar of chocolate or a can of Coke but onboard ship little things like that are important.
However during one Med Trip various people would go to the fridge and find a bar of chocolate missing, a Can gone. And it started to get a Tad nasty with blokes accusing other blokes of helping themselves to other peoples property.
Us Bootnecks had a shrewd idea just who the culprit was. So one day Tam Wright our Messdeck Cpl went ashore in Valleta, Malta and bought a bar of Ex-Lax Chocolate. The stuff to help people have a dump when they are constipated.
Tam then got a Big bar of Cadburys Milk Chocolate from the NAAFI. Scraped away some of the chocolate from the back and melted in the bar of Ex-Lax. Broke a couple of pieces off the bar of Milk Chocolate and put it in the fridge. That night guys came back from ashore in varying degrees of Drunkeness, ranging from Slighty Merry to Out of their faces.
Peace decended on the Mess and soon various noises were heard. Snores, Farts, Burps the normal noises of a Messdeck whilst alongside in fact. Round about four in the morning we were woken by Jock M****Y who was sweating and moaning like anything.
"Arr Jeez, Ma Farkin Guts a killing me!" Jock moaned.
"Away and see the Doc then!" Tam told him.
So Jock stumbled up the messdeck ladder but didnt make it in time. He Shat everywhere! Like Hot Chocolate it was! The Bloke was in real trouble. So we called the duty MA who turned up, took one look at Jock all covered in Shit and still shitting for Scotland and called for a first aid team who strapped him onto a Stretcher and rushed him to the Sickbay.
A few hours later Jock was in real danger of de-hydrating so they rushed him to RNH Mtarfa the Naval hospital. Where they put him on a saline drip and made him "Nil by Mouth". Three whole days he was in the Hospital. At one stage a Surg Lt RN came onboard and met us all in our messdeck. He asked us what Jock had eaten before he had got his Head down. Tam being the Messdeck Cpl was our spokesman and told him that to the best of his Knowledge
"Marine M****Y had had a wee bit O Choccy fra the Fridge, why was it Food Poisoning then Sir?"
To which the Surgeon Lt replied; "Were not sure at the moment but I just wanted to check to see that no one else had the same symptons. Is there any of the chocolate bar left?"
The reply was in the negative. Then Tam asked how Jock was?
"Marine M****y is a very poorly young man Cpl" The Surg Lt answered.
"Will Ye tell the lad that we are all thinking O him then please Sir" Said Tam.
"Off course I will, It's nice to see that you care about your men Cpl" Said the Surg Lt. And at that left the messdeck.
A couple of days later Jock returned to the Ship, my but he had lost a lot of weight. As it was Tam was on duty when Jock returned to the messdeck so it was not until Stand Easy that Tam saw Jock for the first time since his "Illness".
"How yer feelin then Alan?" Said Tam.
"Arr still feel like shite Tam" Replied Jock.
"Aye and if you ever ha the nerve ta eat ma bar O Choccy agin Alan, ail put two more bars O fookin Ex-Laz choccy doon your thiefing throat Ma Sen. Ye Ken where I'm commin fra ye thiefing little bugger!!!" Said our Tam!
The look on Jocks face was a picture to behold as the entire Messdeck Cheesed down at the thieving little Gits look of astonishment! As Tam said later "The thieving little sod brought it all on hisself" As far as I am aware Jock never touched a bar of Chocolate from that day forward whilst serving on the Fearless. But after that we had no more problems with thieving on 4L2 mess.
Artist
-
flo
- Guest
There is nought worse than a T leaf, whilst doing firefighting training at Cochrane we were seconded into 4 man grots. This one wren who incidentaly was in my new entry class at Raleigh (scruffy b****h) was attached to our grot. The leading hand at the time was a lass called Rhona and she had just become engaged to some bootneck and was flashing her ring around to everyone. Of course next day more firefighting and all jewellery was off and safe (so we thought). Well Mary took poorly with womans troubles and was told to stand down for the afternoon. So we carried on then showered and went to the bar for a few wets as you do(well it is a hot job 
) that night we returned to our bunks to discover that Rhonas ring was gone, We both went to the heads and aired our suspicions. On returning we didnt say a word but pretended to sleep, about an hour later up get Mary goes to my locker and removes a gold necklace, Rhona raised her hand to acknoledge that she too had witnessed this, and then mary returned to the spare bed in the room and proceeds to hide her spoils under the mattress. Next day Rhona and i report to the Chief Wren Reg and informed her of the nights proceedings and lo and behold she gave us free rain to dish the punishment. So that very next day we are down the tank doing the water wall drills (one in the middle with hose on flat for protection and a person at either side putting out the fire.) Well right on Q, myself and rhona who were the side on parties withdrew and somebody turned the water off enough so a flashback came over and gave the thieving little git the shock of her life. So one T leaf wren minus eyebrows and singed forehead. When she went to complain it she discovered it was the chief wren Reg who had turned of the water and when she asked why it had happened she was frogmarched up to the room and made to recover her spoils. Next minute captains table and ta ra. Bleedin thieves dont you just hate them. 
) that night we returned to our bunks to discover that Rhonas ring was gone, We both went to the heads and aired our suspicions. On returning we didnt say a word but pretended to sleep, about an hour later up get Mary goes to my locker and removes a gold necklace, Rhona raised her hand to acknoledge that she too had witnessed this, and then mary returned to the spare bed in the room and proceeds to hide her spoils under the mattress. Next day Rhona and i report to the Chief Wren Reg and informed her of the nights proceedings and lo and behold she gave us free rain to dish the punishment. So that very next day we are down the tank doing the water wall drills (one in the middle with hose on flat for protection and a person at either side putting out the fire.) Well right on Q, myself and rhona who were the side on parties withdrew and somebody turned the water off enough so a flashback came over and gave the thieving little git the shock of her life. So one T leaf wren minus eyebrows and singed forehead. When she went to complain it she discovered it was the chief wren Reg who had turned of the water and when she asked why it had happened she was frogmarched up to the room and made to recover her spoils. Next minute captains table and ta ra. Bleedin thieves dont you just hate them. -
Doc
- Guest
Great thread l'Artiste. Hearing of three badgers with gringo tashes brings me out in a cold sweat.
I think the Corps not only attracts 'characters' in the first place, it gives you stacks of confidence to be who you really are (not always a good thing
) and quirks, foibles and eccentricities are on full display. There's probably not much more accepting than a bootneck to his fellow bootnecks so it's open season.
There are times when you spot the opportunity for mischief and you just can't resist it - sod the consequences - it just has to be done.
A great dit from Si Bywater goes as follows:
The contribution of Norway to NATO is often the loan of a civvy ferry/cruiser as a troop ship. 40 CDO were steaming north on the Princess of Scandinavia with an essence Noggy bird making announcements and pipes from the ships office. There had been a few pipes for ships divers to muster at various places when a pipe announced "All muff divers to report to Mike Hunt immediately" followed about 15 minutes later by "Mne ***** to report to the RSM"
I think the Corps not only attracts 'characters' in the first place, it gives you stacks of confidence to be who you really are (not always a good thing
) and quirks, foibles and eccentricities are on full display. There's probably not much more accepting than a bootneck to his fellow bootnecks so it's open season.There are times when you spot the opportunity for mischief and you just can't resist it - sod the consequences - it just has to be done.
A great dit from Si Bywater goes as follows:
The contribution of Norway to NATO is often the loan of a civvy ferry/cruiser as a troop ship. 40 CDO were steaming north on the Princess of Scandinavia with an essence Noggy bird making announcements and pipes from the ships office. There had been a few pipes for ships divers to muster at various places when a pipe announced "All muff divers to report to Mike Hunt immediately" followed about 15 minutes later by "Mne ***** to report to the RSM"
Per Flank, Per Tank
-
Artist
- Guest
Late night/Early morning in Cascades night club. Me and a few Oppos were in the lower bar where there was a jukebox playin Naff, past it's sell by date Music. One of the lads called "Bisto" did'nt like what was playing, so he climbed onto the Bar, Took aim, and leapt head first at the Jukebox.
Jukebox written off. Bisto did'nt have mark on him! Some Fat Janner Bouncer rushed in and demanded to know what the Hell had happened. Bisto turn to the unfortunate Gentleman and said "Power Surge, so fark off Sunshine or I'll kiss yer!" The Bouncer did.
Artist
Jukebox written off. Bisto did'nt have mark on him! Some Fat Janner Bouncer rushed in and demanded to know what the Hell had happened. Bisto turn to the unfortunate Gentleman and said "Power Surge, so fark off Sunshine or I'll kiss yer!"
The Bouncer did.Artist
Last edited by Artist on Fri 30 Sep, 2005 11:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I saw the programme about the HCR last night and after telling the missus about one of their units crying off an Arctic Warfare Training course in Norway I moved purposefully on to the subject of ceremonial duties:
"Remember Norm Bates?" says I to the missus and the story goes like this...Well he and his troop were helping a number of old and bold to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the raid on St Nazaire by quaffing till early doors. Said troop had to get ready in Blues for the procession and march past the next morning in front of the assembled heroes. Norm, on the march and on the command "eyes right" snaps his head to the right, hoys up the nights vino all over his oppo and carries on without breaking stride. Apparently only few of the old and bold (and said oppo) noticed the manouvre and Norm was the toast of the gathering. See, Royal does these things with a certain amount of 'flair'.
"Remember Norm Bates?" says I to the missus and the story goes like this...Well he and his troop were helping a number of old and bold to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the raid on St Nazaire by quaffing till early doors. Said troop had to get ready in Blues for the procession and march past the next morning in front of the assembled heroes. Norm, on the march and on the command "eyes right" snaps his head to the right, hoys up the nights vino all over his oppo and carries on without breaking stride. Apparently only few of the old and bold (and said oppo) noticed the manouvre and Norm was the toast of the gathering. See, Royal does these things with a certain amount of 'flair'.
Last edited by Sully on Tue 04 Oct, 2005 4:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Per Flank, Per Tank
-
stripey588
- Member
- Posts: 91
- Joined: Sat 16 Oct, 2004 10:13 pm
- Location: lancashire
One of the most dangerous and frightening things I ever had to carry out was getting the Shake book signed.
On Leaving Lympstone I was drafted to Eastny for a while and because I was probably no use to anyone at that time, I was placed on permanent guard duty, both at Fort Cumberland and Main Barracks.
I was considered too short and Probably too Green to stand on the main gate so I was given the lofty assignment of Shake Orderly!
Now most lads were fine to wake up and get a signature, But there is always an exception, and mine was a 19 stone chief that everyone knew as GRUNT. He had the meanest sleepers punch I'd ever had connect!
Aye
Mike
On Leaving Lympstone I was drafted to Eastny for a while and because I was probably no use to anyone at that time, I was placed on permanent guard duty, both at Fort Cumberland and Main Barracks.
I was considered too short and Probably too Green to stand on the main gate so I was given the lofty assignment of Shake Orderly!
Now most lads were fine to wake up and get a signature, But there is always an exception, and mine was a 19 stone chief that everyone knew as GRUNT. He had the meanest sleepers punch I'd ever had connect!
Aye
Mike
The Honourable Lord Mike of Loch Borralan
.........................Because I AM Worth IT..xxxx.......Never Mistake Motion for Action
.........................Because I AM Worth IT..xxxx.......Never Mistake Motion for Action
