EH
> >>Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint
> >>letter of the year...have a laugh and read on.
> >>
> >>Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A
> >>real-life customer complaint
> >>
> >>letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
> >>
> >>Dear Cretins,
> >>
> >>I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your
> >>3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
> >>three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
> >>not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of
> >>monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so
> >>that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
> >>rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
> >>have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day
> >>smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
> >>My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
> >>spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
> >>technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes
> >>listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
> >>Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
> >>
> >>I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
minutes -
> >>an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The
> >>rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
> >>the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
> >>drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still
not
> >>arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six
> >>weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
> >>I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between
> >>about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still
waiting
> >>for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your
> >>no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
> >>disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock
> >>jugglers.
> >>
> >>I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will
> >>call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will
call
> >>me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not
a
> >>telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
> >>transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine
> >>informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to
> >>someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot
> >>woman...and several other variations on this theme.
> >>
> >>Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
> >>thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
> >>those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
> >>care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in
> >>print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
> >>therefore, if I continue.
> >>
> >>I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-
> >>awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
> >>disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
> >>totheir customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there
isn't
> >>anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to
> >>my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower
> >>of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
> >>rectum incompetents of the highest order.
> >>
> >>British Telecom - w@#k though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
> >>of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
> >>inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
> >>foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
> >>you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the
> >>services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
> >>deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
> >>disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage.
> >>I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats
litter
> >>tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you
and
> >>your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
> >>desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
> >>posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
> >>experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
> >>very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
> >>
> >>Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
> >>irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
> >>
> >>John
