Joke

[jos]

Dave goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Dave's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Dave finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Dave to help him out. Being a kind soul, Dave says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Dave says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Dave replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Dave pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Dave to point it for him, and Dave points for him. Dave then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Dave, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Dave says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it!

[jos]

After listening to other kids in the classroom telling all the cool talents their parents have, the teacher called on Little Johnny.

Quickly thinking of something just as good or better than the talents of the other kids' parents, Little Johnny thought of something. Little Johnny exclaimed, "My dad eats light bulbs!"

All through the classroom there were remarks of "Cool!"

The teacher, in shock, asked, "What makes you think your father eats light bulbs?"

Little Johnny replies, "The other night when I was in bed, my dad said, 'Honey, if you turn the light out I will eat it.'

[jos]

So this woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks "What for?"

She says "I want to kill my husband."

He says "Sorry, I can't do that."


She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.

He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."

[zero megahertz]

A guy walks into a toilet, and theres a man standing peeing in a urinal. The guy takes the urinal next to him, and cant help noticing the other man has an enormous penis. Without thinking the guy says, "How did you get such an enormous penis?"
the man next to him says "I'm a leprechaun. I used my powers to make it this size."
The guy says "How can I get one that size?"
The leprechaun says "If you let me have my way with you, I will grant your wish to have an enormous penis"
So the guy thinks it over, and comes to the conclusion that it would be well worth it. So they "begin", and when they finish the guy says "Wow, I cant believe I'm gonna have a big penis!"
And the leprechaun says "Wow, I cant believe you believed I was a leprechaun!"

[zero megahertz]

Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.

[Jon]

A blonde is talking to her husband when they decide to put a bet on a match.

The blonde says '5-0 to the ones in white'

The husband says '2-1 to england'

So they watch the match and England win by 2 goals to one. They also bet on the outcomes of a rugby match, a basketball match and a cricket match. The husband comes off best, taking all the winnings.

'Youre not very good at this are you' he says

The blonde gets upset and starts to cry.

'Ok', the man says, 'ill make it easy. If you can guess how many pound coins I have in my hand, ill give you both of them'

The blonde thinks for a minute and then says 'one'

[Artist]

Many years ago when being a Queer could get you locked up the cops raided a Poofs party.

All the poofs were running around crying and wailing, finally the coppers thought they had got the lot except for the party organiser.

This 6' 5" copper grabs hold of the missing poofs boyfriend, pulls his foot long truncheon out and growls to the boyfriend

"When I get hold of your mate I'm going to shove this trucheon right up his............ All of a sudden he hears this high pitched voice sing out "COOEE, I'M IN THE DUSTBIN!"

Artist

[Artist]

This one really has to be asked after a few beers in a crowded bar.

Q. Can you say this sentence with using the letter "R"?

Richard and Robert had sexual intercourse with a Rabbit.

Answer below:














keep going.
















keep on going.















nearly there.















Dick and Bob Fu*ked a bunny.

[Contractor]

you're on a roll Artist

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know
which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. She
says,
"Excuse me, Sir ... can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I
can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.
She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.
He said, "That's a 6 foot graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10
lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's only $20.00."

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound
of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so
I'll take it."

As he walks behind the counter to the register, she
bends down to get her purse and accidentally farts. At first she
is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could
tell it was her. Being blind, he certainly wouldn't know that she
was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was only $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00,
and the catfish stink bait is $2.50....and thank you for shopping at
Wal-Mart."

[Frank S.]

"I'm sorry, Bill," says the doctor, "but you don't have more than six weeks to live."
Bill is dismayed. "But, Doctor," he cries, "I haven't felt better in years. That just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment, the doctor says, "Tell you what you do: Find a health spa and start taking mud baths every single day."
Excitedly Bill agrees, asking, "Will that cure me?"
"No," replies the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

[Jason The Argonaut]

The Sexy Secretary.

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse.
"Look what he did to my tits!"

[Gary Treacher]

There are three men in a cell in a South African prison just before the end of aparthied. Two of them are white, and the third is a black african.
The first white guy turns to the other and enquires as to his crime.
The second white guy says "I had some beers with a few mates and then we got our guns and shot a few blacks in the arses with buckshot. The judge said I was really bad though and I've got to stay in prison until tonight,then I can go home".
The second white gut says " I stole a black mans car, then drove it straight through a black party, sending the blacks running for cover, but I managed to get two of them when I reversed. The judge flipped when he heard that, and said that I was really,really bad, but I can go home tonight too".
They both looked at the black man cowering in the corner and enquired why he was there.
He said "I got caught riding my bike without lights, and the judge said I was very lucky and sentenced me to 25 years in jail.He told me if it had been at night I'd have been hung.

[Contractor]

email from a mate of mine:

It Actually Works
This is creepy!
















Think of a letter between
A and W.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.
.
.
.
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.
.
Keep going ................................. . .
Don't stop . . ..
.
.
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.
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.
Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of
either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name
.
.
.
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.
.
.
.
Almost
there........
.
.
.
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.
Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand
.
.
.
.
Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Of course they friggin dont.......
.
.
.
.Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing
stupid e-mail games!
.

[Jon]

Cheeky bastard

[Jason The Argonaut]

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations have now been allowed to introduce pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has agreed to the following pre-match displays:

1. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team.

2. The Scotland team will turn up pissed, chanting "Yea lookin' at me, Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents' heads and picking random fights with members of the crowd.

3. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents' dressing room.

4. The Argentinians will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.

5. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

6. The Americans will not arrive until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament, won it single handedly and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.

7. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

8. The Italian team will arrive dressed in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.

9. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK government will be heard.

10. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering better salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before photographing the ground.

11. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half and burn the officials.

12. The Australians will have a barbie, sinking a few tinnies before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherd's Bush.

13. The Samoans will line out behind the New Zealand team, as that's
the side they all feel they really should be playing for...

14. The Tongans will plant a coconut tree on the half-way line and loll around under it listening to music and discussing women for the duration of the match.

15. Unfortunately, the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion, as the French have commandeered all the available sheep and there were serious objections from the Australian RSPCA...