Joke

[lew]

crude jon very crude

but on a lighter note...



A Hammer is male, because it hasnt evolved very much over the past 5,000 years, however, is often usefull to have around!

While an hour glass is female, as over time, the weight shifts to the bottom!

As are Kidneys female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs!

[lew]

hehe i liked this one aswell...


Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness.

He greets the first patient and the patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a you take your place,
Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."

Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him.

The patient responds:
"Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"We sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks
"What kind of facility is this? Is it a mental ward?" "No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns Unit".

[Jon]

One day, Superman is flying over the city minding his own buisness and enjoying the glorious weather.

Suddently, he looks down and sees wonder woman, sunbathing on top of a tall building, spread out naked.

Superman thinks to himself, 'i've fancied her for ages and nows my chance while no ones around. I'll swoop down and be gone before she notices what has happened.'

So superman swoops down and as quick as lightning, he flys away and thinks to himself 'that was great, and wonder woman will never know!'

Wonder woman, feeling thre gush of air, says 'what was that!'

'I dunno,' says the invisible man, 'but it sure as hell hurt!'



(I know, stolen from the Vicar of Dibley, but its a classic!)

[Jon]

Its disturbing that someone once thought:

"lets w@#k a cow and drink the white stuff that comes out!"


Whats similar about Osama Bin Laden and a pair of knickers?

They both irritate bush


Whats similar about a snobbish man and a tampon?

There both stuck up c@#t

[Jon]

One day, Jack is driving down an old country road in his skoda when all of a sudden, his car breaks down forcing him to pull over to the side.

He cant do anything about it so he decides to wave down another car to give him help.

Luckily, a young man driving down the road in his Ferrari Spyder sees Jack and, being a good samaritan, decides to pull over and give him a hand.

The man says to Jack 'hop in your car and ill give you a tow down the road to the garage, where they'll sort the car out for you.'

So the two tie their cars together and the man tows Jack and his old broken down car towards the garage. However, on the way, a Jaguar accelerates past them and the driver gives them a shake of the hand.

Not wanting a Jaguar to get the better of him, the Ferrari driver quickly forgets about Jack and accelerates off, hoping to overtake the Jag.

As the two cars are in a pitched battle to get the better of the other, Jack is terrified and starts waving his hands and flashing his lights, hopefully to get the attention of the Ferrari driver to slow down.

The Jag and the Ferrari, with Jack being dragged behind, pass a policecar driving in the opposite direction.

the policeman is astonished at the speed of the cars and cant believe it. He immediately gets onto his radio and says:

'you will never guess what i've just seen......There was a Jaguar and a ferrari racing each other at 110 miles per hour down the road...........and a driver of a skoda was flashing his headlights trying to overtake them!'

[Jon]

One day, a mans driving down a street when he notices that a car behind him is flashing its headlights at him.

The man pulls over, as does the car thats behind him. Out gets a beautiful young blonde girl who walks up to the man and taps on his window. The man rolls down the window and says 'whats the matter luv?'

'Theres stuff falling out the back of your van' says the woman.

The man gives her a pollite nod, but then drives off, leaving the woman standing there.

10 minutes later, the same woman flashes her headlights at the man, and they both pull over again.

Once again, the woman taps on the mans window and says 'theres still stuff falling out the back.'

The man doesnt know what to say. So ignores her and drives on.

Another 10 minutes pass until the woman flashes her headlights again at the man and his van.

Once again, they pull over and the woman gets out of her car and walk over to the man. She taps on the window and the man lowers it down and asks 'what now?'

The woman, frustrated that the man has already ignored her twice shouts 'are you thick? There's stuff falling out of the back of your bloody van and you dont seem to care'.

At this point, the man gets angry and climbs out of his van and takes the woman round to the back.

The woman says 'see I told you so!'

The man replies, 'im a bloody road gritter!'

[Jason The Argonaut]

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said...
'Beautiful, just f@#k' BEATUIFUL!' "

[Jason The Argonaut]

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out -
"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells -
'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"

[Jason The Argonaut]

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...

[Jon]

Homer: Why are you, miss Krabbable and mrs Skinner in the car

Marge: Cos were going to New York to persuade Principle Skinner to return to Springfield

Homer: So why am I here?

Marge: Cos the streets of New York are no place for three unescorted ladies

Homer: So why are the kids here?

Marge: Cos we couldn't find grandpa to babysit them

Homer: So why is grandpa here

Grandpa: Cos Jasper didnt want to come by himself

Homer: oh right


(Classic of the century)

[Cream]

This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95, MSG#H0000115020ecb52EMHS

#1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."
#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course."

#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!"

#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call?"


that 1 had me laffin for hours

[Cream]

Who's Braver?

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines,
and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a
Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an
airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at
the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole
like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and
jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims
the general.

"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman
appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him
an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand
at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.'
Salute each of us, and jump off.

"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole
with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task
perfectly.

"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.

"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here,
private!"

"YES SIR!!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these
rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms,
and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then
climb back down, head first."

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.

"YES SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack.
Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing
'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and
dive off, headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and
says, "f@#k YOU SIR!!"

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S
bravery!"

[Cream]

Wooden Airfield

An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale
that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied
pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous
care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden
hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that
Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe
and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to

the last wooden plank. Early the following morning, a lone
RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the
field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes What?

World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer
able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military
leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and
instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They
describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then
ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with
the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally
one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES
WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!

lol

[jos]

I was sent this by an ex-squadie of mine and just had to share it with you.

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading...
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first;

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him
back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, if you were/are a Royal Marine, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

[jos]

Subject:
Handy Dictionary to decipher Personals Ads

WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish..........................49
Adventurer.................Slept with all your friends
Athletic.......................No tits
Average looking........Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful.....................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated....................Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure......On Prozac
Feminist......................Fat ballbuster
Free spirit.................Junkie
Friendship first.........Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun.............................Annoying
Gentle......................Comatose
Good Listener.........Borderline Autistic
New-Age...................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............Lights out,missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded............Desperate
Outgoing....................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate................Sloppy drunk
Poet...........................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional...............Certified bitch
Redhead....................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque..............Grossly fat
Romantic....................Looks better by candle light
Social......Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous................Very fat
Weight proportion w/height..........Hugely fat - as tall as she is wide
Wants Soulmate........Stalker-widow - drove first husband to suicide
Young at heart..........Old bat


MEN'S ADS

40-ish................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic..............Watches a lot of sports on TV
Average looking.......Unusual hair growth in ears, nose, & on back
Educated..............Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit........... Banging your sister
Friendship first......... As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun.....................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking..........Arrogant
Very good looking........Thick as 2 short planks
Honest...................Pathological Liar
Huggable.............. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle....... Insecure mummy's-boy
Mature................ Older than your father
Open-minded........Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Poet.....................Wrote ex-girlfriend's no. in a phonebox
Sensitive...............Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive........Gay
Spiritual................Got laid in a churchyard once
Stable...................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful.............Says "Excuse me" when he farts/belches