Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North
America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South
America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot
spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land
mass and said "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Britain, the most glorious place on Earth.
There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills. The people
from Britain are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're
going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable,
hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the w@#k I'm putting next to
them in France
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Joke
Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: £5.0 a minute.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: Why did The Lord give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.
Q: How do you tell if you are in a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation is kneeling.
Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A: A DickTater!
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: Did you hear about the generic form of Viagra?
A: It's name is: "mycoxafloppin".
Q: What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A: One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it, rub-it!
Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King didn't cover his Whopper.
Q: Why did The Lord create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A. Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
"How's that?"
"Don't you start
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: £5.0 a minute.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: Why did The Lord give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.
Q: How do you tell if you are in a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation is kneeling.
Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A: A DickTater!
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: Did you hear about the generic form of Viagra?
A: It's name is: "mycoxafloppin".
Q: What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A: One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it, rub-it!
Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King didn't cover his Whopper.
Q: Why did The Lord create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A. Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my arse"
"How's that?"
"Don't you start
A German visiting London asks a hooker for a shag and she tells him it's twenty quid.
"Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky".
She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn't do anything violent. They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps.
"I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he asks.
The hooker is worried that she's getting into something a bit heavy,but she goes along with his request.
Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly.
Then he asks her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes a duck call whistle from his pocket.
"Blow on this while I'm shagging you" he tells her.
So he's banging away while she's bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle.
Suddenly she starts to enjoy the shagging, so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had.
After they've finished she says... "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?"
"Ah," he replies, smiling......
......."Foursprung Duck Technique".
"Fine" he says, "but I'm a bit kinky".
She agrees that this is OK as long as he doesn't do anything violent. They get back to her flat and he gets out four big springs attached to some straps.
"I want you to put one of these on each elbow and one on each knee" he asks.
The hooker is worried that she's getting into something a bit heavy,but she goes along with his request.
Then she is told to get down on all fours, naked, in front of him which she does grudgingly.
Then he asks her to start bouncing up and down on the springs and finally he takes a duck call whistle from his pocket.
"Blow on this while I'm shagging you" he tells her.
So he's banging away while she's bouncing on the springs blowing the duck whistle.
Suddenly she starts to enjoy the shagging, so much so in fact that she experiences the most fantastic orgasm she's ever had.
After they've finished she says... "Wow, that was the most fantastic sex I've had in 25 years on the game, how the hell did you make it so good?"
"Ah," he replies, smiling......
......."Foursprung Duck Technique".
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if ah'm no bein too forward, ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?"
Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."
Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if ah'm no bein too forward, ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?"
Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."
Falklands Veterans Foundation
www.fvf.org.uk www.yomp30.co.uk
Save the Fearless www.hmsfearless.co.uk
Give Her A Home So We Can All Remember
www.fvf.org.uk www.yomp30.co.uk
Save the Fearless www.hmsfearless.co.uk
Give Her A Home So We Can All Remember
one day a toad was sitting on the side of the road talking to an elephant. The elephant asks the toad what was wrong.
The toad says: I'm got a yellow dick.
Elephant: So? What's wrong with that?
The Toad: I'm green
Elephant: Yeah, So?
The Toad: I'm a green toad with a yellow dick! So do you know where I can find a wizard to turn my dick green?
Elephant: Yeah, you go down this path, go past the river until you get to a mountain then go left, you'll see a tree and his cottage is right around the bend from there.
The Toad: Thank you so much
Next the elephant see's a purple hippo crying and asks him what's wrong.
Hippo: I'm a Hippo
elephant: So?
Hippo: I'm pruple
Elephant: and?
Hippo: Elephants aren't supposed to be purple! Isn't there some kind of wizard or something around here I could see?
Elephant: yeah you see this path here?
Just take this until...Ahh sod it...Just follow the yellow dick toad
The toad says: I'm got a yellow dick.
Elephant: So? What's wrong with that?
The Toad: I'm green
Elephant: Yeah, So?
The Toad: I'm a green toad with a yellow dick! So do you know where I can find a wizard to turn my dick green?
Elephant: Yeah, you go down this path, go past the river until you get to a mountain then go left, you'll see a tree and his cottage is right around the bend from there.
The Toad: Thank you so much
Next the elephant see's a purple hippo crying and asks him what's wrong.
Hippo: I'm a Hippo
elephant: So?
Hippo: I'm pruple
Elephant: and?
Hippo: Elephants aren't supposed to be purple! Isn't there some kind of wizard or something around here I could see?
Elephant: yeah you see this path here?
Just take this until...Ahh sod it...Just follow the yellow dick toad
A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside.
The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The dog handler says to the first man "Don't mind Rocky. he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work.
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man. "Watch this" ..
He tells the dog "Rocky, Search!"
The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says "Good boy!", and turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival".
"Unbelievable!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.
He says "Good boy!", and turns to the first man and says, "'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number".
"I never seen anything like it!" says the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the aisle of the plane. After a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and shits all over the place.
The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the hell is going on now?!"
The handler replies , "he just found a bomb".
The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The dog handler says to the first man "Don't mind Rocky. he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work.
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man. "Watch this" ..
He tells the dog "Rocky, Search!"
The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says "Good boy!", and turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival".
"Unbelievable!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.
He says "Good boy!", and turns to the first man and says, "'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number".
"I never seen anything like it!" says the first man.
Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the aisle of the plane. After a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and shits all over the place.
The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the hell is going on now?!"
The handler replies , "he just found a bomb".
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