One of my poxy cats has just jumped onto me knee and dug her claws in bigtime!
Question: How to you retrieve a cat from up a chimney?
Bloody things narrowly missed having a size ten boot inserted up her Arse with malice a forethought!! Now have the problem of cleaning up about a ton of bloody Soot from the Carpet!?!?!?!
By heck she shifted up that fireplace like shit off a shiney shovel when I yelled:
Ste: Why the hell would you retrieve a cat from the chimney when all you had to do was light a fire!
So, we have these two moggies we were given for Christmas (who needs enemies when you have friends like that? "Oh, you live on an acreage now, you'll need cats to keep the mice down".). The pampered little buggers hardly left the house until I threw them both outside into a snowbank. Now they'e out all the time, and have actually cought a couple of mice, leaving their little trophies on the front porch for all to see.
The problem is that there is a balck tom from the farm up the road and he's intent on sowing some wild oats. These moggies aren't "fixed" and I doubt that he is either, otherwise he wouldn't be around meowing like a retard at 3:00 in the morning. Anyway, I got pissed off with it all and stalked him like a coyote. Big spot light in one hand and the .223 in the other. I set up on the back of the pick-up with the bipod resting on the roof. Great shooting position. I could see the little bugger's eyes in amongst some old farm machinery in the neighbour's field aboout 150m away. Just as I had the crosshairs on him and pulled the trigger, he spooked and darted away. The bullet struck the plough blade just by his head with a shower of sparkes and the cat was gonecon. I might have missed him, but he has since been conspicuous by his absence. If he has any sense, he'll keep it that way!
I can just see it now, Artist lighting a fire to get the cat down, the cat catches fire comes down the chimney and runs around the house setting it all on fire.
YA FECKING BARSTEWARD OF A FECKING CAT!! 
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