Barrack Tales

[Mutley]

Bootnecks piece under Gibraltar, about Seaton Bks Guardroom brought back memories of the old Wooden Sentry Box:

During Christmas Rear Party, a particularly cold January weather front creaps down from Dartmoor, and settles for about a week.

OC Rear insist that main gate sentry must stay in full lovats and man sentry box at all times. No greatcoats, just pusser flasher macks. Eventually Rear party CSM arranges brazier. but coke rationed to ensure no roaring bonfires etc, etc.

As on-coming Guard Commander I sign for all the usual stores, radio's, batteries, pick helves, torches, sentry box, 3 Fire Hoses, T Connector, Hydrant key, etc.

Non-eventful night hardly a soul stirs. First light, really heavy frost glistens of the playing field. Duty chef comes skidding in through the door complaining of the 'lethal' ice on the deck.

I get the clever idea of using some of the sand from the fire truck to make it a bit safer. As dawn starts to raise its ugly head I get two of the lads to spread it about abit, sparingly.

After all, I muse, the worst thing that could happen was a fire, and the fire truck is next to useless anyway..... only use a bucket of sand could be, would be for throwing on the brazier if it got out of hand and licked at the sentry box. Standing at the main door I look around to see the lads had done a good job. Waving at the main gate sentry, I tell him I'll get someone to give him a cuppa, and turn to go in...... Something was not quite right, walking over to the sentry I tried to piece things together.

"Where the F@@@ is the sentry box" I enquire

"Last piece just gone on now" says a cheery smiling bootneck.

Panic sets in I am thinking "I've signed for that" If I am in the kack so is he. Then inspiration - newly promoted Corporal due to take over from me

"Here you are mate, sign for all the stores, nothing to worry about, I've counted everything - you just need to check the radio's, or do you want your 2i/c to do it". I say

"Oh, thats okay I will do that then I will inspect the guard........". He says

Following week I come back into camp - wooden sentry box, painted "40 Blue" stands proudly next to the gate. So I did my stint, another quiet night, next morning guess who takes over from me........
So I enquired if there were any probs last week,
"No" he says, "But, you should have heard the bollocking the Guard Commander from 59 got".

So, I had to ask why - to which he responded,
"The dim twat only wrote in the incident book:

001 0900 Cpl ***** on duty
002 1730 Sentry box appears missing
003 0810 Fire practice cancelled - Fire Truck appears missing

"Thats odd, I wonder what happended to the Fire truck" I said.

"Well how do you think we kept warm, painting that damn box"..........

[Sea Soldier]

I only ever visited Seaton Barracks once,whilst serving in 41 at Bickleigh,when the Argylls were in residence.

As a "chummy" Regt,they invited all ranks to Christmas lunch,in appropriate messes.
On arrival,I was astonished to see a mirror,set into the pavement outside the Guardroom (which if memory serves,was just inside the Main Gate,left hand side),the mirror then had a series of metal bars running horizontally across it, .... course,I had to ask (as you do) & was informed that it was to check that kilted soldiers were "properly dressed" (no knicks).

Having digested that little pearl,we were taken to the Cookhouse,for lunch,all went swimmingly until the "Duff" was served (Figgy type,obviously) & Vince "Jock" Clay,a punchy little AE,took a half crown piece out of his pocket & slipped it into his mouth, ... then jumping up with a whoop of joy,announced to all,that he had found the "lucky" coin !
well,the place erupted,with all these great,hairy Glaswegians,mightily pissed off that a "guest" had proffed !

And their Chef Sgt,was running round assuring anyone who'd listen,that he hadn't put any coins in,in the first place! ....laugh,I nearly bought a round !

Needless to say,we weren't invited back .... but that was just Clay (often wondered what happened to him),a real "character".who,incidentally,had been a piper in the 3 Cdo Brigade Pipe Band at Nee Soon,Singas,their kilts apparently made from old pussers blankets,dyed green

Cheers

[bootneck]

Stonehouse Barracks, maingate sentry, 03:00hrs, one cold boring morning, pickelve placed against, now closed gates, proceed to climb the large stone blocks on the left hand side of the vehicle gates, and over the gates and back down the other side, you`ve guessed, whilst above the vehicle gates, car pulls up, and after a couple of minutes, sounds horn, by this time, I`m still in the middle of the gates, looking down, another toot on the horn, and another body appears through the gates, Officer says, "where is main gate sentry"?, "gone for a piss sir"!, " who`s relieving him"?, "nobody sir, he`s relieving himself", talk about piss myself laughing. another close shave

[El Prez]

Duty Corporal CTC, Saturday night, River Exe club tips out. Return to guardroom to see nubile little thing waiting for nod to sign out and get permission to go ashore. Poked my head through the hatch and stared at spotty nod wearing huge bell shaped trousers, white, and a tank top (Keith Chegwin has a lot to answer for) listened to his burble and responded "You're not going ashore like that" most put out he replied "but they're the fashion corporal"(this one was either brave or pissed) Me smiling "It's not your trousers lad it's what's on them, look down". There on each knee was a beautiful ground in grass stain. You should have seen his pash turn crimson when he explained why he would be back in ten.

[Mike]

One of the most dangerous and frightning things I ever had to carry out was getting the Shake book signed.
On Leaving Lympstone I was drafted to Eastny for a while and because I was probably no use to anyone at that time, I was placed on permanent guard duty, both at Fort Cumberland and Main Barracks. I was considered too small and Probably too Green to stand on the main gate so I was given the lofty assignment of Shake Orderly!, Now most lads were fine to wake up and get a signature, But there is always an exception, and mine was a 19 stone chief that everyone knew as GRUNT.He had the meanest sleepers punch I'd ever had connect!

[bootneck]

the shakes book, now theres something a civvie would find hard to believe, bit of a bind trudging all round the Grots when it was pissing down, so easy to do a few scribbles ones self

[El Prez]

Fixit company on parade, shorts etc. Capt Cavan wanders silkily along front rank and ponders the world before the oft mentioned company clerk, Jim Thrush. Following ensues.
L/Corporal Thrush, good morning, what's my nickname with the men?
Not a chance sir!
Oh come on Corporal Thrush you can tell me.
Sorry sir, not a chance.
(Now irritated) Corporal Thrush what is it?
Well sir you did ask. It's Coco.
(Puzzled) Coco?
Yes sir, you're such a F*****g clown.
Foxy company dissolved in hysteria. Jim Tappin CSM goes ape.

[Rogue Chef]

Ahoy there!

Late summer 1986. 40 Cdo RM aboard a Norwegian civvy ferry. The public address system, having been abused, could only be used for official pipes and those sanctioned by the OOD. A very attractive Norgy female officer often read out the pipes in an extemely breathless and seductive accent. One day the following pipe was broadcast by said female. "Attention! All muff divers report to Mike Hunt immediately. I say again. All muff divers report to Mike Hunt immediately. That is all". A few seconds stunned silence around the ship followed by several minutes uproar. Then a very stern pipe from RSM Wright, inviting all junior ranks to muster ASAP. A severe bollocking followed. Apparently the wag who submitted the pipe in the first place had faked the RSM's signature. The culprit??..............

Tommy Cooper Recce Troop.

Yours aye
Steve

[JR]

That steve has got to be 'Bloody Hilarious' Typical Bootneck Humour.
Cheers made my day. Aye jr

[Andy O'Pray]

This one highlights some of the strange protocol of the RN.

During my draft, very short draft, to HMS Ganges. Apart from some bandsmen, I am the only RM onboard the stone frigate. Every Saturday the skipper conducts rounds of the selected divisions and must be accompanied by his RM C/Sgt. On approaching the said division.

Skipper: Good morning Brown.

CPO Brown: Good morning Sir.

The skipper finds something wrong during his inspection.

Skipper: C/Sgt take this mans name.

C/Sgt: Brown, what is your name?

The skipper was not amused and I was very happy to be drafted back to 45 cdo.

Aye-Andy

[bootneck]

we should muster all these dits, get a publisher, and the proceeds should save L10, what say ye all?? I vote Ratso as Chairman!! :smilecolros:

[Mutley]

Please see follow-up on new thread "Publish and be damned"

[Mike]

Standing in line at Slops, waiting for my fortnightly issue of Blue Liners, I had a Killick in fornt of me at the serving hatch who was sucking on a tube of Polo Mints.
The banter went like this. Jenny, "Gis a mint hookie." Hookie."Naw." Jenny," Go on, gis one, just one." Hookie, "Sod off your sitting on yours." At which point I went flying as a terrible apparition of a Chief Wren, who was surley a close relation of Geoff Capes, grabbed said Hookie and dissappeared over the horrizon, never to be seen again..

[JR]

Friday afternoon Chatham Barracks,1500 hrs 'Jenny' Wrens drill session,and woe betide any Bootneck caught looking out of the Barrack room windows,if caught Provost staff would burst into the room and escort the offender to the Main parade,the DI would growl and foam at the mouth and you would be placed in the centre rank and carry on with the drill,
'utter bliss',had great trouble concentrating on the drill movements.I think the DI got wise to me,Friday afternoon was my drill session Aye jr
(re-cycled teenager)

[bootneck]

nice one JR, who was the DI? Yorkie?