Joke

[bootneck]

There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

[bootneck]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Tom who was about to be cremated, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Tom is dead!"

[bootneck]

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

[bootneck]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!! and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[bootneck]

There was this old couple and they never talked about sex very much. so one night when they went to bed the old woman said to the old man. If you want to have sex with me pull on my left tit once and if you don't want to have sex with me pull on my right tit twice. So the old man thought about this for a few minute's and replied, if you want to have sex with me pull on my dick once. and if you don't want to have sex with me pull on my dick 64 time's.

[bootneck]

Two guys were carpooling home from work one day. Traffic was crawling along and they were both a bit bored. The driver was looking around and suddenly pointed to two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn. "Look," he shouted, "What are the those dogs doing? Fighting?" The passenger, being a man of the world, replied, "They're having sex. Don't tell me that you've never had sex, doggie style before?" The driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had. "You'll have to try it," replied his friend. "It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita, and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position." The driver thought a bit, then decided he would give it a try. The next morning, the two commuters were back in the car and the passenger asked, "Well. How did it go?" The driver replied, "It was great! Except that it took me six margaritas just to get her naked on the front lawn!"

[bootneck]

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too much!"
He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much. The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the client.
He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was really well hung.
She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"
The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"

[bootneck]

The queen of England was visiting one of USA's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your owner, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that eight times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."
"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.
On the next floor they passed a room where a hooker was giving a patient a blow job.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"
The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

[ratso]

Medieval Chastity Belt

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great
wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt,
except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it
basically useless.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at
this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm
on a long quest?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin.

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard
anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt
whereupon a small
guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch.
"Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then
set out upon a lengthy Quest.


Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them
drop
their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged
in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true
knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.
What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

[ratso]

Good morning and welcome to a brand new edition of Asylum. Todays programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition....

Hi-jack an airliner and win a council house. We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor, The British Taxpayer, and don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play, provided they don't hold a valid British Passport. You only need to know one word of English "ASYLUM". Prizes include all
expenses paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on
one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or eurostar.

No application ever refused!!

All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password: ASYLUM.

Only a few weeks ago 140 members of the Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown goat class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stanstead where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fastrack them to their luxury £200 a night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hostels all over Britain. Our most popular destinations include the WhiteCliffs of Dover, the world famous Toddington Services area in historic Bedfordshire and the money tree at Croydon.
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience. Just apply for legal aid!! hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help, it won't cost you a penny.

So play today. It could change your life forever. Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-pinochet activists, Kosovandrug smugglers, Tamil tigers, bogus Bosnians, COME ON DOWN!! Be one of the tens of thousands of lucky winners in the softest game on earth. Roll up,roll up my friends for the game that never ends.

Everyone's a winner when they play ASYLUM