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Andy O'Pray
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bootneck
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bootneck
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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a
slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were:
1. A Woman 2. A Donkey 3. A Shovel 4. A Fish 5. A Star of David.
After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the
rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several
thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that
women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.
2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably
used the donkey to till the fields.
3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to
make tools.
4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious
group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the
speaker.
When acknowledged he said..........
"I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to
right.
In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads..........
"Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman."
slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were:
1. A Woman 2. A Donkey 3. A Shovel 4. A Fish 5. A Star of David.
After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the
rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several
thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that
women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.
2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably
used the donkey to till the fields.
3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to
make tools.
4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious
group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the
speaker.
When acknowledged he said..........
"I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to
right.
In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads..........
"Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman."
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits...
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with very big tits...
Men's Commandments - 30 Commandments for Men.
1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man in fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
10.You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11.It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
12.Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another bloke in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
21. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if
necessary.
24. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his
monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.
25. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about
what a big mistake it was.
26. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
27. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than
1.5 litres.Thou shalt not really buy a car with less than 2 litres, 16
valves, and a turbo.
28. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.
329. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a
Playstation 2. End of story.
1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man in fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
10.You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11.It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
12.Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another bloke in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.
19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.
21. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if
necessary.
24. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his
monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every seven minutes.
25. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about
what a big mistake it was.
26. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.
27. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than
1.5 litres.Thou shalt not really buy a car with less than 2 litres, 16
valves, and a turbo.
28. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.
329. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a
Playstation 2. End of story.
Two vampires wanted to go out to eat but were having a little trouble deciding where to go.
They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic.
After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.
So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner.
A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking
their way.
As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry, and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.
The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds.
Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first.........sucked dry and tossed into the canal below!
Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert.
In a short while a third young couple provides just that.
As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.
The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner. Now it was time to head back home to be sure to beat the sunrise.
As they started to walk away, they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge.
As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang:
*
**
You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?
Are you ready?
"Drained wops keep falling on my head"
They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic.
After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.
So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner.
A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking
their way.
As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry, and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.
The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds.
Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first.........sucked dry and tossed into the canal below!
Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert.
In a short while a third young couple provides just that.
As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.
The vampires decided that they had had a marvelous dinner. Now it was time to head back home to be sure to beat the sunrise.
As they started to walk away, they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge.
As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies. They listened as the alligator sang:
*
**
You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?
Are you ready?
"Drained wops keep falling on my head"
-
bootneck
- Guest
The Reverend John Flapps was walking through the town centre in his parish, and when passing a pub, heard a frakas. Looking into the pub, he saw one of his parishoners, who was slightly worse for drink, and having an argument. The vicar walked into the pub, and took hold of the young lady," Mary, what are you doing having an argument in a pub, and you are drunk as well". " No i`m not", replied mary, "yes you are said the vicar, i`ll take you home". So, the vicar started to escort mary out of the pub, when she tripped, her skirt riding high above her waist, and the vicar tumbled down on top of her, resting between her legs. The landlord turned round and shouted,
"OI!! OI!! NON OF THAT IN HERE!!"
"Your mistaken", said the vicar!!
"I SAID NON OF THAT IN HERE!!"
"But I`m Pastor Flapps", said the vicar,
.............."OK, if you`ve got that far, you might as well carry on"..
"OI!! OI!! NON OF THAT IN HERE!!"
"Your mistaken", said the vicar!!
"I SAID NON OF THAT IN HERE!!"
"But I`m Pastor Flapps", said the vicar,
.............."OK, if you`ve got that far, you might as well carry on"..
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase... in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase... in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!
One day Paddy was found dead in a Guiness vat in the Dublin brewery. His wife wanted to know about his death, so she asked his friend Keith. "Keith, did Paddy suffer when he drowned in that there Guiness vat?" Keith replies, "I don't know if he suffered, but he got out three times to have a piddle."
Said with dodgy accent:
I come for visit, get treated regal,
> >So I stay, who care I illegal?
> >I cross border, poor and broke,
> >Take bus, see employment folk.
> >
> > Nice man treat me good in there,
> >Say I need to see welfare.
> >Welfare say, "You come no more,
> >We send plenty cash right to your door."
> >
> > Welfare cheques, they make you wealthy,
> >NHS, it keep you healthy!
> >By and by, I got plenty money,
> >Thanks to you, British dummy.
> >
> > Write to friends in motherland,
> >Tell them come as fast as you can.
> >They come in rags on the back of trucks,
> >I buy big house with welfare bucks.
> >
> > They come here, we live together,
> >More welfare cheques, it gets better!
> >Fourteen families they moving in,
> >But neighbour's patience wearing thin.
> >
> > Finally, British guy moves away,
> >Now I buy his house, and then I say,
> >"Find more aliens for house to rent."
> >And in the yard I put a tent.
> >
> > Send for family (they just trash),
> >But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
> >Everything is mucho good,
> >And soon we own the neighbourhood.
> >
> > We have hobby-it's called breeding,
> >Welfare pay for baby feeding.
> >Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
> >We get free! We got no bills!
> >
> > Britishman crazy! He pay all year,
> >To keep us illegals in comfort here.
> >We think UK is very good place!
> >Much too good for the British race.
> >
> > If they not like us, they can go,
> >There's lots of room elsewhere you know....
I come for visit, get treated regal,
> >So I stay, who care I illegal?
> >I cross border, poor and broke,
> >Take bus, see employment folk.
> >
> > Nice man treat me good in there,
> >Say I need to see welfare.
> >Welfare say, "You come no more,
> >We send plenty cash right to your door."
> >
> > Welfare cheques, they make you wealthy,
> >NHS, it keep you healthy!
> >By and by, I got plenty money,
> >Thanks to you, British dummy.
> >
> > Write to friends in motherland,
> >Tell them come as fast as you can.
> >They come in rags on the back of trucks,
> >I buy big house with welfare bucks.
> >
> > They come here, we live together,
> >More welfare cheques, it gets better!
> >Fourteen families they moving in,
> >But neighbour's patience wearing thin.
> >
> > Finally, British guy moves away,
> >Now I buy his house, and then I say,
> >"Find more aliens for house to rent."
> >And in the yard I put a tent.
> >
> > Send for family (they just trash),
> >But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
> >Everything is mucho good,
> >And soon we own the neighbourhood.
> >
> > We have hobby-it's called breeding,
> >Welfare pay for baby feeding.
> >Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
> >We get free! We got no bills!
> >
> > Britishman crazy! He pay all year,
> >To keep us illegals in comfort here.
> >We think UK is very good place!
> >Much too good for the British race.
> >
> > If they not like us, they can go,
> >There's lots of room elsewhere you know....
Latest news from The Bee-Jees;
New single out this week, 'How Deep is Your Bruv'
The Gibb families are reportedly buying properties in deepest Cornwall as it's the only place they can see Morris Dancing!
New single out this week, 'How Deep is Your Bruv'
The Gibb families are reportedly buying properties in deepest Cornwall as it's the only place they can see Morris Dancing!
You should talk to somebody who gives a f**k.
[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v77/Robiz/movie_star_wars_yoda.gif[/img]
El Presidente
[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v77/Robiz/movie_star_wars_yoda.gif[/img]
El Presidente
