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Joke
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Mick Plater
- Member
- Posts: 9
- Joined: Sat 12 Jan, 2002 12:00 am
- Location: CTCRM
JOKE
Presedent Bush telephones superman and says
"superman the space shuttle has crashed with the loss of seven brilliant people, why oh why superman didn't you save them"
Superman replies" because im in a wheelchair you twat"
"superman the space shuttle has crashed with the loss of seven brilliant people, why oh why superman didn't you save them"
Superman replies" because im in a wheelchair you twat"
See if u can read this with out laughing
TEXAS CHILI
If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down
your cheeks, then there's no hope for you
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to
town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The
> notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
> Texasfrom the East Coast:
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
> the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.
> I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
> wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
> beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
> Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
> Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy ***** what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2 -Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
> Judge # 3 -Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
> what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
> who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
> when they saw the look on my face.
>
> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
> now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now
> my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
> all of the beer.
>
> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
> fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was
> standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting
> to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
> aphrodisiac?
>
> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
> I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> the paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips
> off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
> screaming.
> Screw those rednecks.
>
> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic. Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm
> worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
> behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
> Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
> of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
> worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> cursing uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
> match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
> me.
> I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
> getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
> 4-inch
> hole in my stomach.
>
> Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's
> going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
> chili.
TEXAS CHILI
If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down
your cheeks, then there's no hope for you
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to
town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The
> notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
> Texasfrom the East Coast:
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to
> the Budweiser truck, when the call came in.
> I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
> wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free
> beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
> Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild
> Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy ***** what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge # 2 -Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
> Judge # 3 -Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
> what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
> who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
> when they saw the look on my face.
>
> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
> feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
> now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now
> my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
> all of the beer.
>
> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
> Disappointing.
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
> fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was
> standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting
> to look HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
> aphrodisiac?
>
> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
> I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
> the paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
> chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips
> off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
> screaming.
> Screw those rednecks.
>
> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spices and peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic. Superb.
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
> gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm
> worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
> behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
> Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> peppers.
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
> of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
> worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> cursing uncontrollably.
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to
> match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
> me.
> I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
> getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
> 4-inch
> hole in my stomach.
>
> Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's
> going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
> chili.
Thanks to Andy for this one...
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin
phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They
noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti
Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said
that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if
he could also bless gay people.
The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tutti Homini, et
Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin
phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They
noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti
Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said
that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if
he could also bless gay people.
The Pope said, "Sure".
The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tutti Homini, et
Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti."
Jokes
Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest
> > skill. The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached seven
> > fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of
> > England." The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in
> > a car accident. All
> > his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I
> > reattached
> > them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."
> > The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high
> > on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe
> > freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with
> > was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Last year he became president
> > of the United States."
:crazyeyes:
> > skill. The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached seven
> > fingers on a pianist. He went on to give a recital for the Queen of
> > England." The second replied: "That's nothing. I attended a man in
> > a car accident. All
> > his arms and legs were severed from his body. Two years after I
> > reattached
> > them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."
> > The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy. He was high
> > on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe
> > freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour. All I had to work with
> > was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat. Last year he became president
> > of the United States."
:crazyeyes:
one day while on patrol a squad leader from Osama's most valuable battallion spotted a U.S. Marine on top of a hill shouting obsenitity's at them. he looks to the first team leader and says you go kill that bastard. he takes his team to the marine who had stepped over the hill, all of the sudden yelling screaming then nothing. he looked to Osama for help. Osama sends a company of his best troops take care of this, he says go kill that bastard! they all go over the hill, then again screaming, machine gun fire and then nothing. becoming alarmed Osama sends the rest of the battallion over the hill shouting kill the bastard!! after thirty minutes of hellish combat finally one of the officers from Osama's battallion appears over the ridge shouting SEND no more men, its a trick, there are TWO of them!!!
better to burn out, than fade away
I went to the doctors yesterday and explained that I had a highly embarrassing personal problem. However, I couldn't tell him what it was if he laughed. It would just devastate me.
He assured me he'd been a GP for over 25years and had just about seen all the wierdest medical conditions you could think of. Never once had he laughed at a patient.
Reassured I dropped my kecks, and took out my todger to show him. Almost immediately he fell about laughing hysterically. It took him about five minutes to compose himself. "I'm so sorry, Mr Yates" he said, "That was totally unprofessional of me. It's never happened before and I can assure you it will never happen again. It's just that in all my years I've never seen such a tiny penis. Now what seems to be the problem?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"It's swollen, Doctor"
He assured me he'd been a GP for over 25years and had just about seen all the wierdest medical conditions you could think of. Never once had he laughed at a patient.
Reassured I dropped my kecks, and took out my todger to show him. Almost immediately he fell about laughing hysterically. It took him about five minutes to compose himself. "I'm so sorry, Mr Yates" he said, "That was totally unprofessional of me. It's never happened before and I can assure you it will never happen again. It's just that in all my years I've never seen such a tiny penis. Now what seems to be the problem?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"It's swollen, Doctor"
-
bootneck
- Guest
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the almost unnoticed death last week of a very important person.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote, "the Hokey Kokey", died peacefully at home. He was 93.
The most Traumatic part for his familly, was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in..........and then the trouble started
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote, "the Hokey Kokey", died peacefully at home. He was 93.
The most Traumatic part for his familly, was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in..........and then the trouble started
-
bootneck
- Guest
