When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in Arizona. One day, a
Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew.
The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the Moon. The old man got all
excited and asked if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to
the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the Elder's message to the Moon. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the Moon message
said:
"Watch out for these a$$holes, they have come to steal your land."
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Joke
How Men Bathe
“Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the “woo” sound.
“Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your “privates” and smell your fingers for the one last whiff. Get a shower.
“Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one). Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. Wash your privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo Mohawk.
“Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. Pee (in the shower). Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. Partially dry off.
“Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
“Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Y“ah baby” and thrust your pelvis at her. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.”
“Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your “privates” and smell your fingers for the one last whiff. Get a shower.
“Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one). Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. Wash your privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). Make a shampoo Mohawk.
“Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. Pee (in the shower). Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. Partially dry off.
“Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
“Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Y“ah baby” and thrust your pelvis at her. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.”
DOCTORS
DOCTORS
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man and put in another and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A German doctor says, "That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Russian says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." The Texas doctor, not be outdone says "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in The White House for 2 years, and now half the country is looking for work."
An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man and put in another and have him looking for work in 6 weeks." A German doctor says, "That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks." A Russian says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks." The Texas doctor, not be outdone says "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in The White House for 2 years, and now half the country is looking for work."
clintons clock
Bill Clinton is sitting next to a 19 year old White House intern one day at a gathering. The president says to her, "Would you like to come to the Oval Office and see my clock?"
She says, "No, Mr. President, I don't think so."
The President replies, "Please. I'd really like to show it to you."
"No, Mr. President, I really can't."
"Come on. Come and see my clock. It'll only take a minute." "All right. If it won't take long." They go to the Oval Office. The president sits down, unzips his pants, and pulls out his d***. The intern says, "That's not a clock, it's a c***." To which the president says, "You put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock."
She says, "No, Mr. President, I don't think so."
The President replies, "Please. I'd really like to show it to you."
"No, Mr. President, I really can't."
"Come on. Come and see my clock. It'll only take a minute." "All right. If it won't take long." They go to the Oval Office. The president sits down, unzips his pants, and pulls out his d***. The intern says, "That's not a clock, it's a c***." To which the president says, "You put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock."
This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide.
The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.
He answered, "I want to kill my wife."
"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide."
The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.
The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.
He answered, "I want to kill my wife."
"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide."
The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.
The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription."
. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one? (You have to hollow out the head.)
2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists? (They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)
3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO? (It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)
4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? (They drowned during Spring Training.)
5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? (To see what was on the other side.)
6. How did the blonde die drinking milk? (The cow stepped on her.)
7. How did the blonde burn her nose? (Bobbing for French fries.)
8. Why do blondes have more fun? (They're easier to amuse.)
9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? (Frosted flakes.)
10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? (They keep breaking them with their hammers.)
11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air? (She missed.)
12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear? (Data transfer.)
13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? (Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)
14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead? (She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)
15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save burned-out light bulbs? (She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)
16. Why are Asians so smart? (No blondes.)
2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists? (They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)
3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO? (It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)
4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? (They drowned during Spring Training.)
5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? (To see what was on the other side.)
6. How did the blonde die drinking milk? (The cow stepped on her.)
7. How did the blonde burn her nose? (Bobbing for French fries.)
8. Why do blondes have more fun? (They're easier to amuse.)
9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? (Frosted flakes.)
10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? (They keep breaking them with their hammers.)
11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air? (She missed.)
12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear? (Data transfer.)
13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children? (Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)
14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead? (She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)
15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save burned-out light bulbs? (She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)
16. Why are Asians so smart? (No blondes.)
You should talk to somebody who gives a f**k.
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El Presidente
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El Presidente
-
Rotary Booty
- Member
- Posts: 1772
- Joined: Sun 06 Jan, 2002 12:00 am
- Location: Pudsey, Leeds, West Yorkshire
BULLSHIT
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little maths that might prove
helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you
close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the
top.
But, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little maths that might prove
helpful.
What makes life 100%?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you
close, attitude will get you there, and bullshit will put you over the
top.
But, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
The Honourable Lord Mike of Loch Borralan
.........................Because I AM Worth IT..xxxx.......Never Mistake Motion for Action
.........................Because I AM Worth IT..xxxx.......Never Mistake Motion for Action
German air traffic controllers at Frankfut Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's own gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that a Pan Am 747 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 call sign 'Speedbird 206'.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway"
Ground: " Speedbird 206 taxi to gate Alpja One Seven"
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: " Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking for our gate location now"
Ground: "Have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206: " Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop!!"
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway"
Ground: " Speedbird 206 taxi to gate Alpja One Seven"
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: " Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking for our gate location now"
Ground: "Have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206: " Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop!!"
Wully
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An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
questions.
Girl: OK
Medic: What's your name?
Girl: Sharon
Medic: OK Sharon, is this your car?
Sharon: Yes
Medic: Where are you bleeding from?
Sharon: Romford, mate?
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
questions.
Girl: OK
Medic: What's your name?
Girl: Sharon
Medic: OK Sharon, is this your car?
Sharon: Yes
Medic: Where are you bleeding from?
Sharon: Romford, mate?
United Nations Strike Force....
There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it.
Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the beach.........
The Royal Marines go fishing.
The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.
The French don't care whose beach it is; it's French territory now, and say the English gave them no other choice.
The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then offer to guard their landing strip.
The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the English don't understand them.
The Italians go sunbathing.
The Germans land and build a car factory.
The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.
The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.
The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.
The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.
The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a sheep.
The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals.
The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan.
The Saudi's start drilling for oil.
The Russians open a chain of massage parlours.
The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not opened fire yet.
The Spanish are late.
The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.
Delta Force makes a movie about the landing.
The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and Brits.
The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu.
The Japanese don't know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.
The Californian National Guard contingent won't land until someone opens a Starbucks.
The New Yorkers paint their Amtrak's yellow and will take you ashore for 50 bucks.
The Irish Army will be late because they say they are stll celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
The Israeli's start building a kibbutz and shell the Palestinians as a precaution.
The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales for the Japanese.
The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.
The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the English gave it away.
The Oklahomans have no damn idea what a beach is.
The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the English of stealing it.
The Texans look for anyone bad mouthing them.
The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake.
The Welsh say it's King Arthur's last resting place but the English stole it.
The Swiss apply for a bank charter.
The Lybians blow up two UN planes.
The UN will send an Ambassador if the member states pay their dues.
The Kentuckians open a KFC.
The Panamanians ask the U.S. what they should do.
The Floridians demand a recount and free Prozac.
The EU want to set up a commission of 50,000 administrators paid for by the English.
The Swedes just want to screw.
The Michigan contingent issue a safety recall and sue General Motors.
The Matell Corp. sends 10,000 GI Joe's and one Barbie.
Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes.
The Rumanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.
The Coloradans cut off the Kansan's water supply.
H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles.
The New Hampshire contingent declares that everyone there is Sooooo Cruel and open a soup I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!!.
The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame America anyway.
Washington State NG builds a monument to Bill Gates.
The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas station.
Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace.
Swiped from Buffalo's Adult Chips
There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it.
Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the beach.........
The Royal Marines go fishing.
The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive.
The French don't care whose beach it is; it's French territory now, and say the English gave them no other choice.
The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then offer to guard their landing strip.
The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the English don't understand them.
The Italians go sunbathing.
The Germans land and build a car factory.
The West Indians go looking for the Dutch.
The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans.
The Chinese win the natives hearts and minds then kill them.
The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL.
The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a sheep.
The South Americans send a contingent of 2000 generals.
The South Africans start shooting at anyone with a tan.
The Saudi's start drilling for oil.
The Russians open a chain of massage parlours.
The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not opened fire yet.
The Spanish are late.
The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards.
Delta Force makes a movie about the landing.
The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and Brits.
The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu.
The Japanese don't know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all.
The Californian National Guard contingent won't land until someone opens a Starbucks.
The New Yorkers paint their Amtrak's yellow and will take you ashore for 50 bucks.
The Irish Army will be late because they say they are stll celebrating St. Patrick's Day.
The Israeli's start building a kibbutz and shell the Palestinians as a precaution.
The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales for the Japanese.
The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal.
The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the English gave it away.
The Oklahomans have no damn idea what a beach is.
The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the English of stealing it.
The Texans look for anyone bad mouthing them.
The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake.
The Welsh say it's King Arthur's last resting place but the English stole it.
The Swiss apply for a bank charter.
The Lybians blow up two UN planes.
The UN will send an Ambassador if the member states pay their dues.
The Kentuckians open a KFC.
The Panamanians ask the U.S. what they should do.
The Floridians demand a recount and free Prozac.
The EU want to set up a commission of 50,000 administrators paid for by the English.
The Swedes just want to screw.
The Michigan contingent issue a safety recall and sue General Motors.
The Matell Corp. sends 10,000 GI Joe's and one Barbie.
Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes.
The Rumanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender.
The Coloradans cut off the Kansan's water supply.
H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles.
The New Hampshire contingent declares that everyone there is Sooooo Cruel and open a soup I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!!.
The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame America anyway.
Washington State NG builds a monument to Bill Gates.
The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas station.
Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace.
Swiped from Buffalo's Adult Chips
You should talk to somebody who gives a f**k.
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El Presidente
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El Presidente
John Howard is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"John, it's the health minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Melbourne has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."
"Shit - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"
"We're going to have to ship some in from abroad... New Zealand ??
"No chance!! The Kiwis will have a field day on this one!"
"What about Britain?"
"Maybe- but we don't want them to know that we are stuck. You call Tony - tell him we need one million condoms; colored gold and green; ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way they'll know how big the Aussies really are!!"
The health minister calls Tony, who agrees to help the Aussies out in their hour of need.
Three days later a Airfreight Container arrives in Canberra - full of boxes. A delighted John rushes out to open the boxes. He finds condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all colored green and gold. He then notices in small writing on each and every one:-
MADE IN BRITAIN. SIZE : MEDIUM
"John, it's the health minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Melbourne has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week."
"Shit - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"
"We're going to have to ship some in from abroad... New Zealand ??
"No chance!! The Kiwis will have a field day on this one!"
"What about Britain?"
"Maybe- but we don't want them to know that we are stuck. You call Tony - tell him we need one million condoms; colored gold and green; ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way they'll know how big the Aussies really are!!"
The health minister calls Tony, who agrees to help the Aussies out in their hour of need.
Three days later a Airfreight Container arrives in Canberra - full of boxes. A delighted John rushes out to open the boxes. He finds condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all colored green and gold. He then notices in small writing on each and every one:-
MADE IN BRITAIN. SIZE : MEDIUM
Joke
Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the
stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far
from humanity as possible.
He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of
total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there
was a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from
forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... thought
you might like to come ... about 5:00."
"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you!" Lars started to leave but stops.
"Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be
some fightin' too."
Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be
there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild
sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By
the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stops in the door again and says,
"Whatever you want....... Just gonna be the two of us."
stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far
from humanity as possible.
He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of
total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there
was a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from
forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... thought
you might like to come ... about 5:00."
"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you!" Lars started to leave but stops.
"Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be
some fightin' too."
Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be
there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be some wild
sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By
the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stops in the door again and says,
"Whatever you want....... Just gonna be the two of us."
