After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve.'
Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam then took Eve by the hand, behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged, and said, 'Lord, that was enjoyable.'
And the Lord replied, 'Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve.'
And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'caress'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam went again behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, 'Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'
And the Lord said, 'You've done well, Adam, and now I want you to make love to Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord, what's 'making love'?'
So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve, behind the bush.
But this time he reappeared in two seconds... ..And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'headache'?'
Share This Page:
Joke
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.
A man came in and asked to buy half of a cabbage. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The shop assistant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there that wants to buy only a half a head of cabbage."
As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager Okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Liverpool."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Liverpool" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and football players up there."
"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Liverpool!!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
A man came in and asked to buy half of a cabbage. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The shop assistant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there that wants to buy only a half a head of cabbage."
As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager Okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Liverpool."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Liverpool" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and football players up there."
"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Liverpool!!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
Two Irish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His mate replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that.
All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel.
You paint one ball red and one ball blue.
On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
His mate replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that.
All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel.
You paint one ball red and one ball blue.
On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a martini.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania."
The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
The farmer took pity on a young passer-by and agreed to hire him for a day. His first assignment was to paint the barn, which he did, including the tail of the donkey that poked through knothole in the barn.
The farmer was furious, but promised to give the boy another chance. This time he told him to string barbwire around the farmland, which he did, but when the rooster wouldn't stay out of the way he accidentally nailed him to the fence post.
The farmer this time was more furious than the last time, but again promised to give the boy one last chance. This time he told him to mow the yard, which he did, but the grass was so very high he didn't see the cat hiding in the grass, and he ran the poor kitty over, hurting him badly.
The farmer got so furious that he called the sheriff. When the sheriff arrived, he asked the farmer why he wanted be boy arrested.
"Well Officer," the farmer replied, "First he painted my ass red, then he nailed my cock to the fence and, finally, he ran over my wife's pussy with a lawn mower."
The farmer was furious, but promised to give the boy another chance. This time he told him to string barbwire around the farmland, which he did, but when the rooster wouldn't stay out of the way he accidentally nailed him to the fence post.
The farmer this time was more furious than the last time, but again promised to give the boy one last chance. This time he told him to mow the yard, which he did, but the grass was so very high he didn't see the cat hiding in the grass, and he ran the poor kitty over, hurting him badly.
The farmer got so furious that he called the sheriff. When the sheriff arrived, he asked the farmer why he wanted be boy arrested.
"Well Officer," the farmer replied, "First he painted my ass red, then he nailed my cock to the fence and, finally, he ran over my wife's pussy with a lawn mower."
Two church members were going door to door, and
knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to
see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she
did not want to hear their message, and slammed the
door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in
fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her
back into it, and slammed the door again with the same
result -- the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their
foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that
would teach them a lesson, when one of them said,
"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your
cat."
knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to
see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she
did not want to hear their message, and slammed the
door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in
fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her
back into it, and slammed the door again with the same
result -- the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their
foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that
would teach them a lesson, when one of them said,
"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your
cat."
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a politician." "
Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, New Labour" replied Tommy
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a politician." "
Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, New Labour" replied Tommy
Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Stacy says: "When I grow up,I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Stacy repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant..."
Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What did you say?"
"A prostitute!" Stacy repeats.
Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant..."
A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... .
.
.
.
Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... .
.
.
.
Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat.
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shatterin blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For **** sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"
After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shatterin blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For **** sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"
