Practical jokes

[Mince]

He knew I was mad enough for this shit.

I would honestly use that line for the poster of an action movie or a film about a serial killer. The poster would have to include a pile of bloody dismembered corpses, a smoking shotgun, a burning vehicle, lipstick, and the hero of the day, lubed up with hair in that 'just got out of bed (and killed people)' style.

A guy I knew at school left said school and flew to Singapore whereupon he shat in a shoebox and posted it back to the headmaster in England. I only wish I'd seen the guy's face when he opened that one.

Isn't the warm water trick done with cold water? I've heard it does work.

[The JaCkAl]

The ultimate practical joke....

This was quite a long time ago...I was very drunk and had just come back from the chinese, with, a chinese and a canned beverage (funnily enough)...My friend at the time was one of those people who once you've perchased something he'd give it "can I have some"...Which when your drunk and hungry is very annoying, he happened to be the general fat boy of the group and smoked copious amounts of weed. On returning back to his house with my chinese I new what question was coming up. So before he had chance to ask for anything I ran into the toilets and cained the canned goods as quickly as posible and replaced the contents of the can with urine (I was really dehydrated as well so it was yellow and stagnant). I went into the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!! of his house put the can down by the side of him....And low and behold..."Can I have a bit"...I replied "Knock yourself out mate"...It took two glugs for him to realise it wasn't the cold sugary delight he was expecting and in fact was a warm salty can of piss. Once he had realised, he spat it out everywhere and started to gag, then ran to the toilets. He never forgave me for that (Not suprising really).

[Skiffle]

Agood one if your oppo needs his neck winding in a bit, and a young nipper.

But several packets of smarties and filter all the blue smarties into one packet . Give the packet to the nipper and watch him yaffel the lot down.

After half an hour the kid will be wired to the teeth on E number's and driving your oppo right up the wall.

Also good to do when dropping your own nipper off to someone who's offered to look after them, and you want to get back at them for some reason!

[Kristen]

Well, I grew up around firefighters and police officers. They were pretty big on practical jokes. Police stole fire's mascot and stuck him in a gay bar. Then fire stole the police mascot and stuck him in a strip club. Recently, I sent Andes mints to Abe in Iraq. I put a note inside the bag that said, "When the guys leave for the chow hall stick one of these on their pillows". Well, I guess that's not the best practical joke but still funny. I also sent him a whoopee cushion to put under the highest ranking officers rear. I can only imagine the things they are pulling on each other over there!!! Thank you for the ideas!

[Big Boys Rules]

Sticky that talc gag must take some time... There's dedication for you.

I taught the Royal Marines with me in Belfast how to boobytrap with rubber gloves filled with water, fool proof, easy and fun... only after they had moved on did I consider what soldiers minds do to good intentions... urine bombs... shortly followed in time no doubt by petrol and the inevitable SIB investigation.... but Sir Troll said....

If any of you guys read this... the giant catapault is still there and still going strong but by all accounts none of the lesser soldiers attached have been brave enough to use it.

Nice to talk today also Stix, thanks for all the support.

[Big Boys Rules]

I met an Artillery WO recently, he was telling me about his kids 18th birthday, he'd asked a mate who was an ATO how to make cake explode, lad gives him two sound units, those things we used to use at demos to get our point accross before heath and safety, says one is for practice, and second is for the cake. Artillery lad said he didn't bother with the practice and just command wired them both into cake.
Cue cake cutting, son leans in with knife, WO fires it and the cake turns to attoms, everyones deaf, lots of smoke and people holding babies with spattered cake all over not too impressed.
Says his son has never forgot his birthday party though.

[Peds]

Staying in Newquay last summer, a friend got a bit blotto one night and woke up naked on the pool table just as the owner of the surf lodge was putting breakfast out... boxers 'round ankles, bottle caps covering eyes and nipples and 2 pool cues across his chest, fallen angel style.
Nothing extreme, but bloody funny at the time!

[Thrithraing]

Hahaha I'm loving some of these!!

My dad used to do some of these, namely the cling film over the toilet gag, after taking out the lights. However, when he was in the cavalry, they came up with a gem.

I forget which amoured vehicle my dad was in, possibly a saracen, but he was only a driver at the time. Everytime a new commander came in, they would wrap mixed fruit pudding, out of the ration packs, in toilet paper. They'd leave it on the seat for the commander to find, at which he'd yell "what the **** is this?". Then somebody would pick it up, take a bite and say, "I think it's ****, sir".

But then, one day....

[jos]

Years ago when I was working in the North Sea I had a mate who after a night on the wagon would always throw up on my carpets.
Anyhow one weekend (he was away for five days) he lent me the keys to his flat.
So I soaked the carpet in his hall with water and sowed mustard cress seed on his carpet.
He came back to a small jungle in his hallway.
He never lets me forget that...

[mr_man_2168]

Simple and old but nonetheless effective... at MOD camps like St Martins Plain, Beckingham, etc with the crappy metal beds made of 2 vertical and one horizontal metal bits, just lift one end of the horizontal part up out of the holes it sits in on the vertical part and balance it on the metal surrounding the hole (this is hard to describe but easy when you see the bed) When your mate comes in nackered from whatever he's been doing and lies on his bed or sits on the end the whole thing will collapse around him just a cheap laugh

[Artist]

May have mentioned this one before yonks ago but what the heck.

HMS Fearless 1978/79 Dartmouth training ship a couple of hundred trainee Middies on board.

One day the OCRM (A Major ******* and my old Coy Commander in 40) did rounds with this Middy trailing along with him prior to the Captains rounds later in the same day. They come to the Heads above 38 mess, your's truely is stood to attention and tells the Major "ready for rounds Sir" Major walks into the heads and spots a bit of Brown stuff in one of the W.C's.

Whats that Mne Artist?" I look down, see the brown stuff and wipe it away with my finger and place finger in my mouth. Smack lips a few times and anounce "It's sh*t sir" Middy if seen to turn a funny colour. The Major then laughs and says "It's OK Snotty, tell him what it really is Mne Artist" I explain to the Middy that it's really just milk chocolate. The middy thinks it's a "Jolly Good Jape" and asks me if I could repeat the performance when the Captain does rounds and could the Middy do the finger bit?

I agree and everyone goes away happy. A few hours later Rounds proper start and once more the Middy is there but this time with the Captain. Captain has a good look and once more asks "Whats that Mne Artist?" Before I can move the Middy leaps in with his finger gets a good dollop and puts it in his mouth. His eyes opened wide, a terrible choking noise is heard and Lo the Middy heaves his guts up all over the W.C. Me and the Captain are not in range as the middy literally pushed me out of the way and the Captian had no intention of getting to close to the Brown stuff.

From down below can be heard the cries of laughter coming from 38 mess. The Captain looks at me trying not to laugh himself and says "Nice one Royal see you at my table in the morning" It was real S**T this time you see!

The OCRM gave me a bottle of summut nice for my efforts. as the Captain in the morning stopped my shore leave for one week effective immediately which was non to bad really as we docked one week later in the Grand harbour Valleta, Malta. It was the OCRM's idea in the first place anyway. Who says Pigs have no sense of humour!

Artist

[minimac]

Artist you are evil! .

The poor lad! Do all bootnecks play on the Middys? Brilliant!

MM

[The JaCkAl]

That's funny Artsist!! Sick but funny!