PILES, HOW DO YOU CURE THEM?

[El Prez]

If you hang your arse near a snooker table Owdun will start potting them.

[Anodrog]

If you hang your arse near a snooker table Owdun will start potting them.

What smart arsed reply is that?
To cure them surely you need pickling vinegar


Anodrog


Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'. - Murphy's Tenth Military Law

[Shoulderholster]

Steve
After reading your "Joy of Christmas Morning" post it is obvious what is causing the problems with you "Chalfonts".Its the BODDINTONS,that stuff has caused more bottom hole trouble than a Tory front bench.
Luckily I have a solution,I kept quite at first not wanting to stray into Dr Parry's area of expertise but here goes.
First you will need a short length of 10mm bore tube (available from your local auto spares shop,just ask for fuel line hose),three feet of 30amp fuse wire and an old A41(the radio not the car) battery.
Now pay attention as you will not see this done on Blue Peter.
Take the fuse wire and double it in half,then push it through the tube so that you have a nose approx 1" in diameter (or of a suitable size to encicle your pile/piles).
Then place the two ends of the fuse wire into any of the holes in the A41 battery and the noose will start to glow.I think you know the rest!.
A cheap and reliable method of "loop diothermy" as used by front bottom doctors in the wilds of Canada.

SH

[El Prez]

Surely this is self help taken to extremes; if the loop is pulled tight, the tube attached to the front door handle of a neighbours house, and the bell rung, then the result is similar to old methods of tooth extraction. Herr Gass will be interested as nowhere is there any mention of painkillers. (Boddingtons causes more pain than it cures) I will attempt this new and eccentric procedure on my next concentrically challenged customer. It's such a pity if Steve's little problem is cured. I was going to suggest he joined the local playgroup; his arse would make some wonderful potato paintings.

[Artist]

Dear all
Once again, Thankyou for the useful snippets of 'information? and advice'
But as told before, I will grin and bear it untill such time as I feel the need to visit the local NHS hospital (never! repeat, never!)

My bowels are mine and the little extras are also mine.

Aye steve evans

[El Prez]

I can see them now, (thankfully only in my furtive imagination) suspended like a bruised bunch of Bacchus' finest Pinot Noir.
There's always the swimming pool treatment....................Phone 0875 313414 and ask for Michael; apparently he does house parties and his friends do the rest. Fag anybody?

[Artist]

Dear Rob

That imagination of yours is very, very weird. Have you hidden a web cam in my Bog?

Aye steve evans

[ratso]

It's not an attic, it's a ruddy control tower in Parry's house.

I'M WATCHING YOU! well your piles anyway gone from gyno to proc in one easy lesson just one to keep you at your studies, and if you want to see the real thing http://www.murrasaca.com/proctology.htm don't look if your eating or scratching your B**.

Just look up proctology on the search engine it'll make you cringe and never sit on snow again.

[John_D]

Thanks Col
Just what I need first thing on a Sunday Morning
After a night on the pop.

Have a good one

Aye
John_D

[seagull]

Reminds me of the time I had piles up in Arbroath.
Went to the Sick Bay, the LMA on duty was an oppo who sometimes went ashore with us.
He said " Let's have a look" and I, a little embarassed, said "I know what they are, just give me some cream for them, please".
He replies with an " I understand" look. He then opens the door of the treatment room and shouts out " HAS ANYONE GOT ANY OF THAT ANUSOL CREAM FOR PILES ?".
All I can hear are sniggers outside which turned into laughter as I had to walk through all the bods in the waiting room plus all the other staff that had come to watch !!

[Pilgrim Norway]

Steve -

I heard a good one for you yesterday .... An old wives tale sure enough -
but it is supposed to have worked for a friend of a friend of a - you know...

One takes a cabbage leaf - yes.... insert a piece of cabbage -
size up to your goodself I would think - and in no time the 'orrible hangy
bits are cured...

( I suggested the whole cabbage in order to 'block' but was shouted
down as this was a 'serious' explanation of a known cure which
had actually worked - and I should not make a joke of the cure - my wife said that in any case it would be better with a Brussels sprout than a cabbage)

So - take a sliver of cabbage leaf - or a roll of same and give it a try...
When you're biting the netty paper anything is worth a try mate...

'Aye

[Mike]

Brussel sprouts mmmmmmm !?!! a tad too many of them and a good head of wind could spell desaster!
Now Steeve I believe you live on the rural area of the cheshire plane, surely (no Im not calling you Shirley) you know of a working cattle farmer, now they have an item of kit calles a cattle prod which when flesh is touched administers an electric pulse, this can be regulated as to how much power is given, would suggest that you start with the lowest setting and increas it untill, either the pain surpasses the pain of the piles or when smoke is seen, or in most severe cases flames.

[El Prez]

Herr Gass has shown me this new method of cauterising using the said cattle prod. I was unaware that there was a Royal Marine detachment in General Pinochet's interrogation centre. How times change.

[Artist]

'Cough, Cough, the lot or yer!

Your all nasty men, so yer are!

I'm going to the pub!!!!

Aye steve evans

[Mike]

Hi Steve, have you got rid of the pain in your ass?
If not I've just found this Ad:

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Hope it helps
Aye