Practical jokes

[James-L]

My mate is in the Royal Artillery, when he was home in Sunderland one nite a couple of mates, him and me were going around the time after clubbing just doing daft stuff, he was demanding free food from the pizza shops with his army ID. A couple of weeks later when he was back in his barracks I rang him pretending to be a PC Tempest (that night was the first time i'd seen him in a year and I never spoke to him over the phone plus he isn't that bright anyway) I said that we had CCTV footage of him doing press-ups on the cities bridge, making a mockery of the army because the press-ups were incorrect, I also said reports of him being racist in pizza shops had been filed with the police and he was to face a court martial unless he fully co-operated- btw he didnt tell the police my name, he'd do good in interrogation. He also pulled a bus time table down that nite, I pretended to be on his side and made confess to wanting to be a bus driver after the army and he took the time table down to show people what time the buses were due, we also got him to sing the national anthem and say 'i love the army, i love the army and without the army i'd go balmy.' Well funny, we even recorded it.

[Doc]

I was in Canada in 94 with 59 Cdo, my best mate at the time was getting wed on his return to UK. But being a stingy git he decided to fly his soon to be missus out to Canada for his R&R and treat like a honeymoon.
The night before his drive to Calgary to pick up his missus, he was packing his kit and stressing out big time.
Kit packed - time for a wet, so off he trots to the squadron bar.
Cue giggling school boys, we opened his bergen (yes he was taking a bergen on honeymoon!) and removed the carefully packed contents and hid them.
Then we liberated the bedding store of pillows and blankets and repacked bergen. Placing some kit on top incase he had a look see in the morning.
So off he goes on Honeymoon.
2 weeks later he returns, walks into crew room and shouts "BASTARDS"
My ribs never hurt so much in my life as his head flew off and did a circuit of the room!

[Doc]

Another top tip is to put kit kat foil wrapers in the key hole of the unit knob.
With each insert of the key and subsiquent addition of foil the key finally jams and matey has to fill out request for a new door.

Upside down capbadges for Co´s parade was always a good one.
Phoning up CO and saying "morning Sir do you know who this is?"
"no i dont"...."well sod off then!" or words to that effect.

Poking a hole in the poo bag before ur oppo replaces it into his bergen.

Worse embarrasing moment of my life was when the SSM came out of his office as the squadron formed up outside.
"Thomas! Your Mums just called me and has asked me to ask you can you call her soon as she misses you!" and yes he had to go back into his office as the squadron fell about laughing with me going a shade of white and praying for the earth to swallow me whole!

[Liver]

Take shaving cream (foamy kind, the more cans the better)and freeze it/them. once you've left them to freeze solid pierce the cans (the cream wont expand as it is frozen) place it in somones locker etc. and leave it there. as the cream thaws out it will expand. hey presto a locker full of shaving cream!

[goreD.]

A new probationer police officer arrives at his first station out of the depot. His new section arranged to 'arrest' another officer who was on the raz downtown. They saw this officer in the street and explained to the probationer that he was a criminal and that there was a warrant out for his arrest. The probationer then arrests him and brings him to the custody suite where he then introduces him to the custody officer. (Also in on it).

When his property is taken one of the officers present splits the prisoners money 90 quid three ways. 30 for him, 30 for the probationer and 30 for the custody officer. Infront of the prisoner the money is split. The prisoner is doing handstands over this and is placed in a cell.

The probabtioner who is dunging himself one hour later is called to the duty Inspectors office. (Also in on it). The Inspector explains that an allegation of theft has been made by the prisoner and also explains that it was a set up by internal discipline and that the money is marked.

What a wind up. The probatioer looked like guppy fish at feeding time.

[goreD.]

Here is a cracker !!!

Get talcum powder. Carefully pour it inside the internal air vents of your enemies car. Then turn on the blower full power. With the ignition off nothing will happen. When you enemy gets into his car and activates his ignition SNOWMAN !!!!!!

Priceless !!!!!!

[Cinder]

Foam fire extinguishers are made up of two parts; an inner cylinder and the outer body.

The idea is that there are two chemicals, one dissolved in water in each part of the extinguisher. When they are mixed they cause a chemical reaction which produces a shit load of foam. Hence they had to be held upside down to allow the solutions to mix and get the reaction.

I managed to get hold of a box of the powder that makes up these solutions, they come in a two part sealed package - a bit like a boil-in -the-bag meal.

Late that evening there was a section attack on the officers mess toilets. One part in the toilet bowl, one part in the cistern.

Next morning as the officers went for their constitutionals...............
flushhhhh "WHAT THE F***"

haha, myself and a few cadets did that when i was in the merchant navy.

Me and the fellow engineering cadets were strung along by the officers at sea for like 1 bloody month thinking we had to pay accommodation charges at sea, and electricity and cleaning bills etc! Nobody clicked that we made our own electricity and never got our cabins cleaned etc.. i guess nobody wanted to argue. They had us signing all these itemised cleaning bills etc every week.. lol

Also, on my first trip we cleaned out the sea water strainer the day before i were due off. We removed this heavy copper anode, probably 15kg. Well, when i got home i found out why my bag weighed 42kg!! The 2nd thought it would be funny to put it in with my stuff! the bastard..lol

[harry hackedoff]

Some crackers there lads,
Top tip, dead fish nailed under the bosses desk is good.
A certain shuttle bus drives spent a drunken night at Hindsaetr dossing in the corridor. Whilst asleep, the left hand half of his head, including left eyebrow was shaved off. Which was fine, and I`d have been happy to leave things at that. However said drives was persuaded that he was in the way, and would he mind rolling to the other side of the corridor. Where the right side of his head was shaved off, including right eyebrow. Hairdresser had left a one inch strip down the middle Come brekky and the geezer bimbles into the galley, totally unawares. He looked like a skinhead mohickan, larf? Larf? Even now, I can see the poor bastards face
At a barby a few weeks since, Paddy has an oppo of his from his time in the Andrew. Ex-killick turned WEO, top bloke(for a matelot) told me about a scam he played on a young middy. Young lad`s first time at sea, after week one, he is presented with his " bunk light bill" of several pounds Young lad is gutted as he doesn`t spend much time in bed, etc. Second week and he gets an even bigger bill Checks with others who provide their"bills" for comparison. Guess what? They have bills of 75p or at worst, 1.75. Next week it`s even worse, our young middy now has a bunk light bill of about ninety-five pounds Then the penny drops." Some bastard is using his light whenever he`s duty. He asks to see his divisional Officer( that`d be Paddys` mate, the WEO then) who asks if our hero wants to go before the Captain. This played throughout the whole cruise, sigs to Northwood, CINCFLEET etc Larf By the time she docked, this kid needed a mortgage to pay off his "bunk light bill". Top tip, buy a candle

Same party and some jock geezer was listening to the above, plus the mooses head scene of sexual depravity, and asked " are you always like that" silly boy, of course not! WEO is a big lad, rugby for the Andrew etc. I say he can lift three men with one finger, oh no he can`t, oh yes he can I`d expected the traditional hold down whilst the smearing of the parts takes place, but oh no. Matelot pigs have a differant routine involving a bucket of water I made it out of the way just in time.
Lucky the Jock saw the funny side, not that he had much choice

Many moons ago, I wanted a Tag Heur watch and we saw some black guy flogging them on Teneriffe for about 2.50 "Asda price mate" We bought it for a larf. My director wore the exact same watch, gen article. The last construction team meeting we held before I`m ofski to Oz has just about finished and we`s into the coffee and biccys. "Mike, I`ve often admired your wristwatch mate. Fact is, I`ve wanted that model for years. Can I have a look?'
Undoes watch, slides it down table.
Yours trully, tried it on, "Fabulous watch Mike, is it waterproof?" as I dropped it in me orange juice.
"Er yes, Harry, very funny, it is waterproof"
I fish it out of the juice, " Ar yes, but is it shock proof?"
I produce a brick from under the table, and a big hammer.
Fark off Harry, that watch cost over twelve hundred quid" says he, voice rising in a controlled panic sort of way. He knew I was mad enough for this shit.
Carefully examining the watch I say that it has " shockproof" on the case.
I ask the other members of the team(who weren`t in on my gag) what they think. Concensus says give him the watch. Without anyone realising, the watch was now on the brick, and the big hammer was in my hand.
"Let`s see, shall we?"
Hammer comes down and watch is in smithereens. "Naw, didn`t think it it was shockproof" says I and carries on with the meeting. "WHAT ABOUT MY WATCH, HARRY" says my boss. " Wasn`t shockproof mate" says I.
He kept picking up little cogs and bits of strap and saying" What about my wife, she bought me that. She`ll kill me"
In true Tommy Cooper style, I gather the bits up in my hanky and promise to see what I can do Hey Presto, is this your watch. The team shit themselves and me boss went into goldfish mode.
To this day he has absolutely no idea how it was done
Aye,

[Dolly Gray]

Sargasso Sea - bridge of one of Her Majestys gunboats - a really clear warm moonlight night - middle watch - dead spooky - dits flying back and forth about pirates, Marie Celeste, Sea monsters

Officer of Watch OCRM - he has gone to heads (he is in on joke)

Middy Second Officer of Watch not too switched on and not bootneck aware

Lookouts - Bootnecks
QM - Cpl RM
Bosuns mate Mne

A sure recipe for trouble

Suddenly - Sound of muffled ships foghorn

Middy to Radar - Can't see nothing - recheck - nothing on screen

Middy to wings port side - lookout says he hears it but can't see nothing

Ships foghorn sounds again from starboard

Middy now in tizzy back to radar and starboard wings

Everyone agrees they can all hear it but cant see nothing .

This happens two or three times more - sound is getting louder

Bootneck conversation turns to doom,abondoning ship, the flying dutchman, sharks and court martials for hitting things in Sargasso Sea.

Middy now losing the plot and is crossing bridge at rate of knots and is saved from ringing the skipper by return of OCRM to bridge.

Lookouts drop bottles (ships fog horns)over the side and everyone denies all knowledge of the hearing the phantom ship, saying they thought Middy was playing a joke on them and had humoured him. Middy is wet with sweat and not sure what had happened.

He was told about it when he got back to Guz, not a happy bunny due to amount of stick he took on it.

He now has four rings and whilst he admits they are good news does not trust Marines and has banned his daughters from bringing one home as a pet.

Dolly

[El Prez]

Working overseas, one of our Co-pilots had a genuine Rolex, every night this lad would get ratted, take off the shockproof Rolex belt it on the bar, and hurl it against the wall, whereupon his pash of the moment would recover it for him.......................until...........
One night a Yank roustabout who had seen this many times and had enough of the imey dickhead let the watch crash to the loor, wandered over instead of the dark eyed lovely and crushed the thing under his cowboy heels.

[minimac]

Take one condom, one sashay of salad cream, put salad cream inside condom and shake until salad cream is at the end, so it looks right...

Take prepared condom into work and put it in someone’s sandwich wait for them yo bite into it, I promise you they'll throw up

Another lunch gag, again take someone’s sandwich and put string around the filling, make sure you disguise it well... when they go to eat the sandwich it will fall all down their cloths

Another condom joke, put it into the petrol tank of someone’s car that you don’t like, when the car starts it will be sucked into the engine and cut the fuel supply cutting the engine out, it will then slowly float back into the petrol tank, this process will repeat its self for about 3-4 months until the jonny disloves

A simple one but an easy one, take a disposable camera out with you one night, get a friend lashed, get them into an interesting situation with a fat slag, tie them up strip them etc take the picture... then come Monday have them blown up and put all over their work place or college


lew

I'd hate to be on the wrong side of him!!

[Tab]

If you ever get your hands on those plastic looking egg boxes that make such a crunching sound when crushed, then put under a car in a parking area and watch the face of the driver of the car as they reverse out. When that crunching sound starts you can watch them go pale and freeze on the spot as they wonder just what damage they have done.

[Tab]

When cars used to have metal hub caps we used to them off and put a couple of small stones in side the hub caps before we replaced them.
When the driver was going slowly the rattle would drive him mad.

[saffer]

Tom, no the warm water trick doesnt work.
One night when my mate was asleep I crept up to his bed, giggling like a school girl may I add, and dipped his hand into the prepared water ... nothing!
I was very disappointed, so I elbow dropped him WWF style!

In sixth form we went through a phase of kidnapping people (freinds).
The highlight of this was taping one of our freinds up for his 18th, blindfolding him, and then we buired him on a large beach ... then going for a beer.

I read in FHM or something similar about a guy who went out on his stagg night. A few jars later he passed out in his hotel room.
The offending freinds then took one condom and spat in it. From there they removed this poor guys trousers and pushed the jon into his bum with a pencil.
Nothing was mentioned for months untill the offenders could not contain it any longer.
The victim was releived to say the least.