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Steve

As a keen amateur proctologist I'd be happy to do the operation for you free of charge. And I've got the very poker allegedly used on Richard II!

I had mine looked at a couple of years back but the Dr said the problem was that my evacuation chute just needed stretching. The lady wife declared this as proof positive that I'd been a tight a**e all my life!!!

For fcuk sake DONT use JAYS FLUID, it'l burn the gussett out of your underware and stain any seats you sit on.

I have just watched a programme called Vain Men and I am quite sure that if you were to contact the gentleman who was on it and give him a roll of black maskers he would get them out for you. I am still feeling mental pain from watching the patient get dehaired so piles would be no problem.

Dolly

Dear all

I'm touched, but then who isn't.

Rob, you can take that christmas tree and stuff it up your......Never mind.

I wish I could stick me thumb up mine and let my mind slip into neutral. But, there is no room.

Have tried lot's of 'cures' Germoloid rules at the present moment.

Their is no way I'm letting the NHS near me arse!

Our local Hospital if frankly 'Shoiiit'

Aye steve evans

1.Try painting them with ordinary parafin


2.Try walking around with a permanent hard - this will divert the blood flow and will be more pleasant than the parafin - watch out when turning corners

3.Try a dessert spoonfull of olive oil after meals

'Aye

Steve, you could always try a fixed steely grin like that Yank in the H cream advert. "Hi I'm Charles Winchester, and I've got rictus of the jaw muscles, and a rectus on me arse".

Steve,

I believe that the medical term is 'blocking' .... don't let Rob do it for you,
even though he is good at his trade - go to a good cobbler - with the
right tools - you just block out a size or two.....

Rob,

Found a great tool y'day on a snowy yomp .... short extendable stick
with a flexible mirror on the end - originally intended to inspect under vehicles I suppose - but would have been fine in the middle of your forehead.

Unfortunately when I arrived home I saw that the mirror was absent!
'Aye

Be like El Presidente,who'll never get piles ... 'cos he's a "perfect" Arsehole !

A few days ago had a 'dump' in a pub (Dublin Packet) in Chester. (I used the toilet!)

Some bloke knocked on the door to ask if I was all right & did I need any help!

Told him to go away in short, Jerky, erotic movements. Or something like that anyway.

Steve Evans

Slightly off the subject but in a simular vein.
Some years ago I had a slight twinge in my Liver and some wise prat in my local told me that Doctor D'Witz little liver pills would do the trick. So off I stumbles to the nearest Pharmacy and duely purchase said Pills, I then returned to my local and took the prescribed dosage.
All goes well and about 2 hours later I required a piss, off I go to the gents, this was the type with a stainless steel splash back and a trough, the lower end of which was occupied by some elderly, ney, ancient yokles, there I am releiving my self staring into nowhere, as you do and them nattering on about the the price of pigs swill, then they stopped, looked down then looked at me, their silence made me glance their way to find a look of horror directed me, they then looked down again, shook their heads and shuffled off out of the loo, I too looked down to see a torrent of bright iridescent PURPLE pee leaving my body, apparently Dr D'Witz had done his job.
On return to my pint the whole bar was in upraw.
Be Warned D'Witz may work, but dont use them in a pub...

Mike,

I recall secretly serving said pills , after his first dodgy run ashore, to some young nod straight out of training to Singers. Followed by telling him that the first indications of catching a dose of Syphilis was the purple pee. His panic was wonderful to behold.

Presumably because he'd only had sexual relations with his right hand at that point. And had washed thoroughly before and after consummation?!

Whilst spending some time in the Yemen, as one does, we used to,
on occasion, dole out water purifying tablets to local villagers.
We once ran out of these but the Navy SBA kept his friendly smile -
doled out tablets and then - still smiling said -'Right - we'll bugger orf now'

We were given a salute from the locals, esconched in their drafty sangers, which we associated with the French celebrations of Bastille Day....

What a way to spend a summer.

We had no idea that the urine colouring pills worked so fast....

'Aye

"Piles,how do you cure them?"
I use a small steel box about 20" x20" x10",place a cupfull of fine hickory sawdust in the bottom (of the box that is!) and set alight to it.
Then place a small mesh shelf in the upper part of the box and put your piles on this shelf,close the box and wait approx two hours.
After this time your piles should be cured and will last for years if kept in a cool place.
Try sawdust of cherry wood if you want a slightly sweeter taste.

SH

My Piles are my Piles!

One look at Loonytune Parry's photo has convinced me to scowl and bear it.

shoulderholster, Keep away from me!

I will stick with 'Germoloids' (wonder ifen they would like me to endorse their wonderful product, 'As seen on militaryfrorums', etc, etc,) you never know.

Aye steve evans