Joke

[Dolly Gray]

Douglas the humble Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Douglas in tears.

"We can't see each other any more..." she sobbed

"Why?" gasped Douglas.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only sideways”

Douglas was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Douglas the crab strode in.

The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the Lobster King rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Douglas the crab made his way across the floor and all could see that he was walking, not sideways but FORWARDS

Yes, FORWARDS, one claw after another!!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he looked the King Lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush.





This lasted quite a while.





Finally, the crab spoke.









“"F**k, I'm pissed."

[barrybudden]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it
off,"
she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

[Noz]

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife,

"When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said,

"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"


"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account
and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[got1]

A woman asks hubby "would you like bacon and eggs for breakfast"?
" Not really" he sighs "This Viagra has really taken the edge off my appetite.
At lunchtime she asks if he would like something to eat."How about a bowl of soup or a sandwich"? she enquires. He declines and says "It's the Viagra, it really takes the desire away for food.
Dinner time comes round,she asks again if he would like anything.
"A microwave pizza would only take a couple of minutes"?
"I'm still not hungry" he sighs.
"Well in that case would you mind getting off me because I'm starving".

[Noz]

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"
"Chilli," she says, "but the biker next to you got the last bowl." The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the biker next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chilli remained uneaten." Are you going to eat your chilli?" he asked." No, help yourself," replied the biker. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chilli. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chilli he had just eaten back into the bowl. The Biker sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

[got1]

A dustman was going along our street yesterday picking up the wheely bins.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, and then knocks at the door.
Eventually a Japanese man answers ..."Harro", he says.
"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
"I bin on toiret" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toiret I told you" says the Japanese man.
"Mate", says the dustman..." your misunderstanding me... Where's your wheely bin?"
"OK,OK" , says the Japanese guy. "I wheeley bin having a w@#k".

[El Prez]

IRISHMAN'S LETTER TO THE D.H.S.S.

IN RESPECT TO RECEIVING AIDS LEAFLET

Dear Sirs,

1 have just received the AIDS leaflet through my door, and would like to apply straight away for AIDS.


1 have been on the dole for-the past ten years and have been living on Supplementary Benefit and every other State aid I could get. It now seems I will be getting AID for sex. Its a pity this AIDS has come so late as I have already got 15 children and wondered if you will be paying back payments.

Your leaflet states that the more sex I have the more chances I have of getting AIDS. My only problem here is persuading the wife, who is not so keen after 15 kids. Several years ago I bought some sex aids but she showed little interest and they were hardly used. Would there be any.chance of a refund for the £17.50 I paid for these gadgets.

Anyway. I will now explain to her that the Government will now be paying us for all the sex vie have and I'm sure she will agree that we can't let a chance like this slip by. .

You also state that I can pass my AIDS on but as you will understand with a Wife and 15 kids to feed there won't be much left to pass on. If by any chance there is a bit left though I will ass this on to my poor old mother in law who only has p her pension.

I understand from.your leaflet that I can get AIDS through a
blood transfusion and I intend to write t o my local hospital
-tonlght right away to see when I can have one.' Will the aids I get
from hospital be Deducted from you? Perhaps you will write and
Let me Know.

I am a firm believer in getting every aid from the country I can get and I'm sure you'll Ill agree that by my past performance I do qualify for this one.

Could you let me know how much I will get paid each time and will it be weekly or monthly payments?

Yours Faithfully

Shamus O*Toole

PS.Your advert Is great. I certainly won't die of ignorance
I know my rights.

[El Prez]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would make up their faces in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips against the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would do it again. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowel, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

[El Prez]

A man was worried about his wife’s health. She was acting strangely. He took her to the doctor to be examined. The doctor was baffled, and said it was one of two things, but he didn’t know which: Either, she had Alzheimer’s or she had AIDS. Best thing to do was to put her on a bus by herself. If she turns up again, don’t f@#k her!

[El Prez]

Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in today as the new governor of California. He gave his solemn oath that he would crush his enemies, see them driven before him, and hear the lamentations of the women.

[El Prez]

Council Estate Barbie

[El Prez]

[El Prez]

Here's one for Flo and Lozcloghdakins

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.

When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear,everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup...gonna be a bear.