This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar.
The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck.
"How's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day." "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie"
"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my f@king day!"
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Joke
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
A policeman notices a man driving over the speed limit and swerving all over the road. The policeman pulls the man over. The policeman approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "have I got a fat chick in my car?"
"Why?" asks the man, "have I got a fat chick in my car?"
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
INTERESTING T-SHIRTS
A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing
interesting T-Shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.
I childproofed my house, but they still get in.
On the front- 60 is not old. > > On the back- If you're a tree
I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes.
At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot.
My reality check just bounced.
Life is short, make fun of it.
I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.
Annapolis--A drinking town with a sailing problem.
I need somebody bad. Are you bad?
Physically pffffffft!
Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.
It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
Keep staring....I may do a trick.
We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.
Dangerously under-medicated.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.
Every time I hear the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.
Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell
lies at your funeral.
In God we trust. All others we polygraph.
A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing
interesting T-Shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.
I childproofed my house, but they still get in.
On the front- 60 is not old. > > On the back- If you're a tree
I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes.
At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot.
My reality check just bounced.
Life is short, make fun of it.
I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.
Annapolis--A drinking town with a sailing problem.
I need somebody bad. Are you bad?
Physically pffffffft!
Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.
It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
Keep staring....I may do a trick.
We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.
Dangerously under-medicated.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.
Every time I hear the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.
Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell
lies at your funeral.
In God we trust. All others we polygraph.
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
Bubba was from Kentucky and was a hard-shell Southern Baptist. He
loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the
4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.
Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the
horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Bubba collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won!
Bubba was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited
the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race
and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He
was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest.
He demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses
and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing
and the Last Rites."
loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt, when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the
4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.
Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race.
Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the
horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Bubba collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won!
Bubba was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited
the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race
and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.
Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He
was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest.
He demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses
and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you
Protestants you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing
and the Last Rites."
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
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freestyler_onli
- Member
- Posts: 275
- Joined: Sat 31 Jan, 2004 1:53 pm
- Location: London
Its the blind schools annual trip. After seeing a special 'Hands On' presentation at the museum, they stop in a quiet village cafe for some lunch. After finishing, one of the children asks whether they could go and play football on the village green.
'How on earth can you play football????' asks the teacher.
'We have a special ball with a bell in it' says one lad. 'We just follow the sound of the bell!'
So the teacher lets them go out, but warns them to stay away from the roads.
After 10/15 mins a man rushes into the cafe and shouts 'Quick-whos in charge of them blind kids??'
'I am' shouts the teacher. 'Dont say theyve wandered into the road'
'No it's worse than that!' says the man-'They've just kicked the sh*t out of the morris dancers!'
'How on earth can you play football????' asks the teacher.
'We have a special ball with a bell in it' says one lad. 'We just follow the sound of the bell!'
So the teacher lets them go out, but warns them to stay away from the roads.
After 10/15 mins a man rushes into the cafe and shouts 'Quick-whos in charge of them blind kids??'
'I am' shouts the teacher. 'Dont say theyve wandered into the road'
'No it's worse than that!' says the man-'They've just kicked the sh*t out of the morris dancers!'
Bloody Arse!
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Smiler.wales
- Member
- Posts: 100
- Joined: Tue 13 May, 2003 11:54 am
- Location: Newport S Wales
-
freestyler_onli
- Member
- Posts: 275
- Joined: Sat 31 Jan, 2004 1:53 pm
- Location: London
-
freestyler_onli
- Member
- Posts: 275
- Joined: Sat 31 Jan, 2004 1:53 pm
- Location: London
-
Wholley
- Guest
This is for us yanks,I guess.
You've got to love Vermont...
A Texan,a guy from Massachusetts and a Vermonter are riding horses on the range.
The Texan,just to show off pulls an expensive bottle of Whiskey out of his saddle bag,takes a couple of slugs,throws it in the air,pulls his gun and shoots it in mid -air.
The guy from Mass. is horrified and asks"What are you doing?Thats a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!'
The Texan replies"In Texas there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap!'
A while later,not to be out done,the guy from Mass.pulls out a bottle of Champagne,takes a few sips,throws the bottle in the air and pulls his gun and shoots it,
just like the Texan.With a wink at the Texan he says"In Boston,There's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap.
15 Minutes later,the Vermonter pulls a bottle of beer from his saddle bag,
he takes a sip,then another,then chugs the whole thing and puts it back in his saddle bag.He then pulls his gun and shoots the guy from Mass.
The Texan is horrified!
"Why did you do that?
The Vermonter replies,
"Well in Vermont,We have plenty of people from Massachusetts,and bottles are returnable
You've got to love Vermont...
A Texan,a guy from Massachusetts and a Vermonter are riding horses on the range.
The Texan,just to show off pulls an expensive bottle of Whiskey out of his saddle bag,takes a couple of slugs,throws it in the air,pulls his gun and shoots it in mid -air.
The guy from Mass. is horrified and asks"What are you doing?Thats a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!'
The Texan replies"In Texas there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap!'
A while later,not to be out done,the guy from Mass.pulls out a bottle of Champagne,takes a few sips,throws the bottle in the air and pulls his gun and shoots it,
just like the Texan.With a wink at the Texan he says"In Boston,There's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap.
15 Minutes later,the Vermonter pulls a bottle of beer from his saddle bag,
he takes a sip,then another,then chugs the whole thing and puts it back in his saddle bag.He then pulls his gun and shoots the guy from Mass.
The Texan is horrified!
"Why did you do that?
The Vermonter replies,
"Well in Vermont,We have plenty of people from Massachusetts,and bottles are returnable
Only in America...
Did Chris do this??
Okay I was going to post more but there is too many, go to www.cityhumor.com and click on the pictures on the left hand side, so funny!!
Did Chris do this??
Okay I was going to post more but there is too many, go to www.cityhumor.com and click on the pictures on the left hand side, so funny!!
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
