Do you not make you smile...
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Do you not make you smile...
lew
Do you not make you smile...
lew
All I want in life is a cold beer, a fast car, a big F**King gun and a hot woman to fetch the beer, and clean the car! is that really to much to ask? - Quotes by a redneck.com
recruit test 21 march - PASSED
medical 30 march - PASSED
interview 30 march - PASSED
PJFT - 11 april - PASSED 9:18
PRMC - 7th - 10th JUNE. PASSED
foundation - 29th August
recruit test 21 march - PASSED
medical 30 march - PASSED
interview 30 march - PASSED
PJFT - 11 april - PASSED 9:18
PRMC - 7th - 10th JUNE. PASSED
foundation - 29th August
Only joking mate!!!!
How's it going on the women front? Hehe
Paddy turns up for workone morning,
sits on a pile of bricks.and starts crying,
The boss ays "Hell Paddy what,s up"?
Paddy said " I had a phone call this morning
telling me my mother had died."
The boss said "Look Paddy,take the day off,
in fact take as long as you want off,go and
relax and rest."
Paddy said "No boss, I would rather stay at work,
I need to keep my mind off it,and the best place to
do it is here."
The Boss said "OK Paddy if thats the way you feel.
if you need anything let me know."
Just after dinner the boss spots Paddy heart broken
again,he rushes over to him and said "Paddy are you
going to be alright",
Paddy said "What a day boss,My brother has just phoned
and told me his mother has died as well".
How's it going on the women front? Hehe
Paddy turns up for workone morning,
sits on a pile of bricks.and starts crying,
The boss ays "Hell Paddy what,s up"?
Paddy said " I had a phone call this morning
telling me my mother had died."
The boss said "Look Paddy,take the day off,
in fact take as long as you want off,go and
relax and rest."
Paddy said "No boss, I would rather stay at work,
I need to keep my mind off it,and the best place to
do it is here."
The Boss said "OK Paddy if thats the way you feel.
if you need anything let me know."
Just after dinner the boss spots Paddy heart broken
again,he rushes over to him and said "Paddy are you
going to be alright",
Paddy said "What a day boss,My brother has just phoned
and told me his mother has died as well".
-
Jason The Argonaut
- Member
- Posts: 2231
- Joined: Sat 24 May, 2003 1:46 pm
- Location: London, England
- Contact:
A woman walked into the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!! to find her husband stalking around with a
fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
___________________________________________________
Sounds about right.....I'll go back to me paddes cell
fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
___________________________________________________
Sounds about right.....I'll go back to me paddes cell
The Honourable Lord Mike of Loch Borralan
.........................Because I AM Worth IT..xxxx.......Never Mistake Motion for Action
.........................Because I AM Worth IT..xxxx.......Never Mistake Motion for Action
An army private, a royal marine and an RAF pilot are each driving around the Kuwaiti dessert in the middle of the night trying to find the main road to Kuwait City. Suddently, the three cars crash at a T junction, sending the wrecked cars flying off in all directions.
They all climb out of there wrecked vihicles and look at each other in disbelief. The private turns to the others and says 'I think that God has allowed us to survive so that we can become best friends.'
The other two nod their agreement and the pilot syas 'lets put our rivarly behind us'
The Marine walks over to his wrecked car, pulls out a bottle of whisky and shows it to the other two. 'Look what god has also allowed to survive', he says, 'I think that it is a sign that we should drink to our new friendship.'
The private takes the bottle off the marine and say 'to us'. After he swigs about a third of the bottle he passes it to the pilot who also starts to drink it. After the pilot has drank a third of the whisky he passes it to the marine.
The marine looks at the other two but doesnt drink any of it. Instead he screws the cap back on, and says 'I think ill wait until after the military police arrive.'
They all climb out of there wrecked vihicles and look at each other in disbelief. The private turns to the others and says 'I think that God has allowed us to survive so that we can become best friends.'
The other two nod their agreement and the pilot syas 'lets put our rivarly behind us'
The Marine walks over to his wrecked car, pulls out a bottle of whisky and shows it to the other two. 'Look what god has also allowed to survive', he says, 'I think that it is a sign that we should drink to our new friendship.'
The private takes the bottle off the marine and say 'to us'. After he swigs about a third of the bottle he passes it to the pilot who also starts to drink it. After the pilot has drank a third of the whisky he passes it to the marine.
The marine looks at the other two but doesnt drink any of it. Instead he screws the cap back on, and says 'I think ill wait until after the military police arrive.'
The Best Is Yet To Come
British Military Officer Fitness Reports
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used
for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are
actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around
at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then
he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used
for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are
actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around
at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then
he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure
The Best Is Yet To Come
Four men got together at a reunion. All of them had sons and they started
discussing them.The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned
a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his
best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well.He was a manager at a
car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
The third man said his was doing well too.He was a manager at a bank.
Why,just the other day he gave his best friend a the money to buy a house.
The fourth man just shook his head. He said his son was gay and hadn't
amounted to much.But he must be doing something right because,
just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari
by his friends!
discussing them.The first man said his son was doing so well, he now owned
a factory, manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his
best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.
The second man said his son was doing just as well.He was a manager at a
car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
The third man said his was doing well too.He was a manager at a bank.
Why,just the other day he gave his best friend a the money to buy a house.
The fourth man just shook his head. He said his son was gay and hadn't
amounted to much.But he must be doing something right because,
just the other day he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari
by his friends!
The Best Is Yet To Come
After a long day at word, Dave returns to his home. He walks in and shouts 'hello love, im home.'
No answer. So he walks up the stairs and opens his bedroom door to see if his wife has gone to bed for an early nights sleep. Surely enough, he sees someone lying under the covers. However, there is also a man there fully enjoying a blow job.
Dave is so shocked that he doesnt know what to say, backs up and exits the house. As he is walking down the street, the other man comes running out of his house, half naked. He runs up to dave and begs for Dave's forgiveness. He says 'im sorry man. She didnt tell me she was married. Now that I know, ill do anything to win your forgiveness. But dont worry, we didnt have intercourse.'
Dave looks at the man for a minute and then smiles. He says 'Thank god. For a minute there, id thought that i'd gone in the wrong house!'
No answer. So he walks up the stairs and opens his bedroom door to see if his wife has gone to bed for an early nights sleep. Surely enough, he sees someone lying under the covers. However, there is also a man there fully enjoying a blow job.
Dave is so shocked that he doesnt know what to say, backs up and exits the house. As he is walking down the street, the other man comes running out of his house, half naked. He runs up to dave and begs for Dave's forgiveness. He says 'im sorry man. She didnt tell me she was married. Now that I know, ill do anything to win your forgiveness. But dont worry, we didnt have intercourse.'
Dave looks at the man for a minute and then smiles. He says 'Thank god. For a minute there, id thought that i'd gone in the wrong house!'
The Best Is Yet To Come
-
zero megahertz
- Member
- Posts: 179
- Joined: Wed 16 Jul, 2003 8:47 pm
- Location: Northern Ireland
A religous OAP had just lost her husband, so she went into her local pet shop to get a talking bird. So she went in and asked how much one cost. "£200" was the reply. Then she spotted a bird separated from the rest, all on his own. "how much is that one" she asked. "£20" said the man, "because it is ill mannered" So the old lady says, " I dont mind, I'm so lonely i just need someone to talk to" and she buys the parrot.
That night the woman sits down and says to the parrot " so polly, do you like my rosary beads?" and Polly says "F**k off!"
the woman is shocked and says "If you speak to me like that again I'll nail you to that wall by the wings!"
The next night the woman decides to try again with the bird.
"So polly, do you like my statue of the virgin mary?"
" F**k you!" says polly. So the woman grabs Polly and nails it to the wall. Polly looks at the picture of Jesus on the cross next to him and says "What the f**k did he do to get up here?"
That night the woman sits down and says to the parrot " so polly, do you like my rosary beads?" and Polly says "F**k off!"
the woman is shocked and says "If you speak to me like that again I'll nail you to that wall by the wings!"
The next night the woman decides to try again with the bird.
"So polly, do you like my statue of the virgin mary?"
" F**k you!" says polly. So the woman grabs Polly and nails it to the wall. Polly looks at the picture of Jesus on the cross next to him and says "What the f**k did he do to get up here?"
you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength, and just pull that shit out of you, and get that motivation to not give up, and not be a quitter no matter how bad you wanna fall flat on your face
-
Jason The Argonaut
- Member
- Posts: 2231
- Joined: Sat 24 May, 2003 1:46 pm
- Location: London, England
- Contact:
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye!"
So this is how they shape those burgers
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye!"
So this is how they shape those burgers
I fight for my corner and secondly I leave when the pub closes. - Winston Churchill [img]http://www.world-of-smilies.de/html/images/smilies/teufel/smilie_vampire.gif[/img]
Tony Blair is at his weekly meeting with The Queen, when he turns round and says:
"As I'm the PM, I'm thinking of changing what the Country is, so I'm
thinking that it should be a Kingdom", to which The Queen replies:
"I'm sorry Mr Blair, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge
and you're not a King"
Tony Blair thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?",
to which the Queen replied:
"Sorry again, but to be a Principality, you have to be a Prince and you're
not a Prince Mr Blair".
Again, Blaire though long and hard and came up with "how about an Empire
then?"
The Queen, getting a little pi$$ed off by now replied: "Sorry again Mr
Blair, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge, and you are
not an Emperor"
Before Tony Blair could utter another word, The Queen said:
"I think we're doing quite nicely as a Country".
"As I'm the PM, I'm thinking of changing what the Country is, so I'm
thinking that it should be a Kingdom", to which The Queen replies:
"I'm sorry Mr Blair, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge
and you're not a King"
Tony Blair thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?",
to which the Queen replied:
"Sorry again, but to be a Principality, you have to be a Prince and you're
not a Prince Mr Blair".
Again, Blaire though long and hard and came up with "how about an Empire
then?"
The Queen, getting a little pi$$ed off by now replied: "Sorry again Mr
Blair, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge, and you are
not an Emperor"
Before Tony Blair could utter another word, The Queen said:
"I think we're doing quite nicely as a Country".
Nuisance
I went to a restaurant last week, called the waiter over and looking at the menu said to him " I'll have a couple of the pissholes please mate".
He was rightly taken aback by this, consulted the menu and laughing said "Sir, that's a spelling mistake it's not a 'P' that should be an 'R' ! "
I said fair enough give me to Arsoles then"
He was rightly taken aback by this, consulted the menu and laughing said "Sir, that's a spelling mistake it's not a 'P' that should be an 'R' ! "
I said fair enough give me to Arsoles then"
**************************************
spitfire
(remember, never volunteer for anything !!!)
**************************************
:grab:
spitfire
(remember, never volunteer for anything !!!)
**************************************
:grab:
-
Jason The Argonaut
- Member
- Posts: 2231
- Joined: Sat 24 May, 2003 1:46 pm
- Location: London, England
- Contact:
WARNING TO ALL DRIVERS
Yesterday, one of my friends who works in Hounslow was robbed at the traffic lights by the M4, Junction 3. He is still recovering from his ordeal.
The scam involves young Eastern European women offering to wash your car windows while you wait at the red light, and her colleagues take advantage of this by opening your boot and making off with as much as they can carry.
They are very well organised and determined. Police advise that while your car is not in motion, you should lock all doors and the boot and ensure the windows are not sufficiently open for someone's hand to enter.
If you spot this SCAM - Don't look at them - they try to distract you.
Below is an undercover Police photograph showing thieves in action and how they operate.
Yesterday, one of my friends who works in Hounslow was robbed at the traffic lights by the M4, Junction 3. He is still recovering from his ordeal.
The scam involves young Eastern European women offering to wash your car windows while you wait at the red light, and her colleagues take advantage of this by opening your boot and making off with as much as they can carry.
They are very well organised and determined. Police advise that while your car is not in motion, you should lock all doors and the boot and ensure the windows are not sufficiently open for someone's hand to enter.
If you spot this SCAM - Don't look at them - they try to distract you.
Below is an undercover Police photograph showing thieves in action and how they operate.
I fight for my corner and secondly I leave when the pub closes. - Winston Churchill [img]http://www.world-of-smilies.de/html/images/smilies/teufel/smilie_vampire.gif[/img]
