Joke

[GINGE]

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be a Corporal in the Royal Marines" said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well " answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The marine below responded, "You must an Royal Marine Officer."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well Sir" said the marine, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

[Jason The Argonaut]

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "Dick, ten-HUT!" And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, "Dick, at EASE!"
And his dick deflated again.

"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "Dick, ten-HUT!" and the dick sprang to life.

Then it was "Dick, at EASE!" But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "Dick, at EASE!" But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says, "For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!" Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing!?" she asked.

The guy says...
"I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

[combat-engineer]

I've always disliked pubs and hated the thought of running one. When I was a boy however, my father told me I must stand up to the things I feared, and only in that way would I overcome them.

So I opened a pub.

It was hell at first, but after five years I am coping quite well, taking one day at a time.

[El Prez]

Royal Cornwall Hospital
July 2, 2003
Name
Address
Post Code Date
Dear Sir or Madam:
Please be advised that your obtrectomy operation is scheduled for
The purpose of this delicate operation is to sever the cord that connects your eyes to your rectum and hopefully will get rid of your shitty outlook on life.
Sincerely,
I Grabburn MD
Have a nice day!

[El Prez]

DEVON & CORNWALL CONSTABULARY
Dear Sir/Madam
Information has been received that you are responsible for a criminal offence, namely burglary/theft/assault/other (specify) which occurred at (place)………………….
(date)……………… Due to the workload and shortage of staff we are unable to come out to arrest you.
Would you please, therefore, call at Police Station……………….
at am/pm on (date)……………. Please ask for ……………………………(O.I.C.)
It is important that you bring this letter with you when you attend as persons who surrender themselves for criminal offences without appointments are likely to be turned away by the uniform staff on the desk.
It is further believed that you have in your possession the following stolen property (specify)………………………………………………….
If you have, please bring it with you when you keep your appointment, as this would greatly assist us.
Would you also search your house and any outbuildings/sheds to see if you can find any other property you may have left over from any previous offences and bring that as well.
If you committed the offences with an accomplice, please complete the following section:-
Accomplice(s)………………………………………
Name………………………… Address…………………………………………
Age Date of Birth CR0 No……………………
IMPORTANT
Would you please comply with the following before attending the station:
1. Ensure that you have had 8 hours uninterrupted sleep.
2. That you have taken all pills and medicines prescribed to you.
3. Bring with you 1lb of tea, preferably tea bags.
4. Bring with you a change of clean clothing.
5. If you are a Welsh or Scottish national, an Interpreter.
6. If you intend staying — your shaving tackle.
7. A dimmed night light.
8. Special dietary needs (sirloin steak etc).
9. Tell someone where you shall be.
10. Your own Solicitor. (providing he is not a suspect)
It is likely that you will be travelling to another police area/district/division and it is very important that you are in possession of an overnight bag.
We are only here to serve you, and it is sincerely hoped that your stay with us will be a pleasant one, and that you will tell your friends about us.
Signed
(O.I.C.)
PACE. National Form Ia

[Jason The Argonaut]

Guy walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender. Reaching into his pants pocket, we pulls out a hundred dollar bill. "Set up everybody in the place!" he shouts. The bartender obliges.

Suddenly, a little man jumps out of the guy's pocket, runs down the bar, and kicks all of the drinks, smokes, change, etc on the floor. He runs back and jumps back into the guys pocket.

The Bartender asks whats going on. The guy just reaches back into his pants pocket, pulls out another hundred, and says "just set everybody up again." Bartender obliges once more, suspiciously watching the guy.

Once more the little man appears from the guys shirt pocket. Runs down the bar, breaks the glasses, pitches the napkins into the air, etc. Runs back and jumps into the shirt pocket again. This time the guy buttons the pocket.

Bartender says "explain yourself, or leave."

Guy says "Well....I was walking down the beach one day, and ran across a bottle in the sand. Turns out there is a Genie in the bottle. Gave me 3 wishes!

So first wish was to never run out of cash again. Now every time I reach into my pants pocket there is a hundred dollar bill!

Second wish was to never be lonely again. Went back to my apartment and there waiting for me were 3 of the most beatuiful supermodels you have ever seen, all willing to do whatever I desired from them!"

"Third wish...I wished for a 6 inch prick, and THIS IS THE LITTLE BASTARD I GOT!!!"

[GINGE]

Try it, it works.

[Jason The Argonaut]

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaiining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

[Twenty One]

Excellent Jason.

[combat-engineer]

lol! to close to the bone for my likeing!!

[harry hackedoff]

Good one Jason.
Ginge, I thought it was playing with yerself, that caused bad eyes "I`ll just do it till Ineed glasses, then."

[JulesB]

A beautiful, well endowed young blonde goes to her local pet store in
search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.

The sign says:  "Sex" Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee!(Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man package up the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions
carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box & is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out
the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to
do.

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and put the frog down "there".

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper
it says

"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had some complaints
earlier today. I'll be right over."

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything
according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly
into its eyes and sternly says:

"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more
time!"

[Jason The Argonaut]

What might've happened:

Saddam Hussein and George Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.

They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Bush says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

[Twenty One]