Don't know if this is on the board already. I think it's gen, but then again!!!!
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Queda Fighters
Subject: The Cave
Do Not Distribute Outside The Organisation.
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota ...have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.
Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Five: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall. It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam and the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First Patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
Love you lots, Group Hug. Os.
PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.
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Artist
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The Queen goes on a royal tour of the local Mental Hospital.
She approaches the first patient who is dressed up like Napoleon.
"And who are you"? She asks.
"Mon due! I am Napoleon" is the reply.
The second patient is dressed as a victorian nurse.
"Who are you?" She asks.
"I'm Florence NIghtingale" is the reply.
This goes on untill she comes up to a patient with a hazlenut stuck on the end of his old man.
"And What is wrong with you?" She asks.
"I'm F*cking Nuts" is the reply.
Aye Artist
She approaches the first patient who is dressed up like Napoleon.
"And who are you"? She asks.
"Mon due! I am Napoleon" is the reply.
The second patient is dressed as a victorian nurse.
"Who are you?" She asks.
"I'm Florence NIghtingale" is the reply.
This goes on untill she comes up to a patient with a hazlenut stuck on the end of his old man.
"And What is wrong with you?" She asks.
"I'm F*cking Nuts" is the reply.
Aye Artist
Onestone was his name...........
This was his Indian name because he had only one testicle.
After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him Onestone any more.
Then one day a young girl forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest,
there he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night,
he shagged her all the next day, until she died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many years
away.
She was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said,
"Good to see you Onestone."
Again, Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the
next day, shagged her all the next night, but she wouldn't die!
What is the moral of the story?
(You'll love this!!!!) ...........................
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!!!
This was his Indian name because he had only one testicle.
After years and years of this torment Onestone cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him Onestone any more.
Then one day a young girl forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest,
there he shagged her all day, he shagged her all night,
he shagged her all the next day, until she died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many years
away.
She was overjoyed when she saw Onestone and hugged him and said,
"Good to see you Onestone."
Again, Onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest
where he shagged her all day, shagged her all night, shagged her all the
next day, shagged her all the next night, but she wouldn't die!
What is the moral of the story?
(You'll love this!!!!) ...........................
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!!!!
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
Crossword
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it.
This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman
that ends in 'unt'?
The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The
gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him.
Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it.
This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman
that ends in 'unt'?
The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The
gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him.
Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit
of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake
his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp
for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and
that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was
concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and
all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound
asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey
guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife
could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing,
tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got
him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, ! "Honey, you were right . All these years you have warned
me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God,
some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them
back in."
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit
of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake
his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp
for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and
that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was
concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and
all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound
asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey
guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife
could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing,
tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got
him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, ! "Honey, you were right . All these years you have warned
me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my
guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God,
some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them
back in."
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
Extracts from "Dear Bruce", an Australian 'Agony Aunt' column in a popular men's magazine.
Q. Dear Bruce I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my wallet. I am beginning to wonder if they really are lucky, as they have been there for two months
A. Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when they are sober anyway. Guess that means you've been pissed for two months which makes you one lucky bastard! Just on a medical note - rubbers are good idea to use when you do an Abo, as they are smelly bastards, Oh and 'roos too, helps avoid bush rash.
Q. Dear Bruce my girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an old girlfriend's vibrator on her.
A. No worries. I've seen this before. Women need reassuring. Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned it since you last used it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on hygiene.
Q. Dear Bruce I gave my sister one and now she wants me to do it to her mate.
A. Errr... mate you're from Tasmania right? No worries mate, as long as her mate is a Sheila it's ok.
Q. Dear Bruce, After my last Hockey game I got an erection in the showers. Is this normal, I am a single guy and like girls.
A. Nah mate you're queer. Only poofters play hockey.
Q. Dear Bruce, my wife says I don't use enough lubricant before we have sex.
A. Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root her?
Q. Dear Bruce, I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leather trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury moustache. I don't know who to turn to.
A. Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical: You're a raving poofter, no one likes you, get a gun, blow your brains out.
Q. Dear Bruce, my girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay.
A. Geez mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognise the word 'Foreplay'. Then it struck me, 'Fore' is what you shout in golf. Jeez mate, men don't play golf with women - but it's ok for her practice putting with your dick.
Q. Dear Bruce, I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a dose of the clap. What do I do ?
A. Deny, deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever, ever, ever, ever admit to rooting a Kiwi.
Q. Bruce, the boys are telling me there is such a thing as Dingo sex. What is it?
A. There are two types. The first one when you wake up next to a f*cking ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape, rather than wake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap. And the other one is when you drink too much and your old boy...it Dingo hard and it dingo in.
Q. Dear Bruce I have some lucky condoms that I keep in my wallet. I am beginning to wonder if they really are lucky, as they have been there for two months
A. Jesus mate, no worries. Men only use rubbers when they are sober anyway. Guess that means you've been pissed for two months which makes you one lucky bastard! Just on a medical note - rubbers are good idea to use when you do an Abo, as they are smelly bastards, Oh and 'roos too, helps avoid bush rash.
Q. Dear Bruce my girlfriend got upset when I suggested I use an old girlfriend's vibrator on her.
A. No worries. I've seen this before. Women need reassuring. Tell the stupid bitch that you have cleaned it since you last used it. Sometimes Sheila's get hung up on hygiene.
Q. Dear Bruce I gave my sister one and now she wants me to do it to her mate.
A. Errr... mate you're from Tasmania right? No worries mate, as long as her mate is a Sheila it's ok.
Q. Dear Bruce, After my last Hockey game I got an erection in the showers. Is this normal, I am a single guy and like girls.
A. Nah mate you're queer. Only poofters play hockey.
Q. Dear Bruce, my wife says I don't use enough lubricant before we have sex.
A. Exactly how many beers are you drinking before you root her?
Q. Dear Bruce, I am beginning to suspect I am gay. I wear leather trousers and have just grown a Freddie Mercury moustache. I don't know who to turn to.
A. Get a grip of yourself man. Face facts, be logical: You're a raving poofter, no one likes you, get a gun, blow your brains out.
Q. Dear Bruce, my girl friend says we don't do enough foreplay.
A. Geez mate, you had me stumped for a bit. I didn't recognise the word 'Foreplay'. Then it struck me, 'Fore' is what you shout in golf. Jeez mate, men don't play golf with women - but it's ok for her practice putting with your dick.
Q. Dear Bruce, I fooled around with a Kiwi and now I have a dose of the clap. What do I do ?
A. Deny, deny, deny, deny, deny and never ever, ever, ever, ever admit to rooting a Kiwi.
Q. Bruce, the boys are telling me there is such a thing as Dingo sex. What is it?
A. There are two types. The first one when you wake up next to a f*cking ugly Sheila and you chew your arm off to escape, rather than wake her, just like a dingo caught in a trap. And the other one is when you drink too much and your old boy...it Dingo hard and it dingo in.
Chaos, Disorder, Destruction.....My work here is done!
*****
"The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. --- Alan Ashley Pitt"
*****
Why can't you accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
*****
"The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. --- Alan Ashley Pitt"
*****
Why can't you accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
PRESS CUTTINGS
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,a spokesman for North Westgas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in
her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.(The Manchester Evenings News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle,and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr.Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented,
"This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was
sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler".
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,a spokesman for North Westgas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in
her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.(The Manchester Evenings News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle,and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr.Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
commented,
"This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the
spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was
sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler".
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
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harry hackedoff
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Artist
- Guest
This heavily pregnant woman has the misfortune to be driving past a bank when it is raided.
During the ensuing firefight between the police and the bank robbers she is shot three times.
Rushed to hospital she gives birth to three children, two girls and a boy.
Each baby has a bullet in there body. The doctors say it is to dangerous to remove the bullets, so they are left in the children.
16 years later one of the daughters comes running down the stairs crying "Mum, mum I've just been on the toilet having a wee when this bullet fell out into the bowl!" Mother says "It's alright love don't worry about it.
The next day the other daughter comes running down from the toilet screaming "Mum, mum Iv'e just been having a wee when this bullet fell out into the bowl!" Mother breathes a sigh of relief and assures the second daughter that it is all right.
Two days later the son comes running down screaming "Mum, mum" She jumps in and says "Let me guess you were having a wee when this bullet fell into the bowl".
"No Mum I was having a wa*k and shot the cat!"
Aye Artist
During the ensuing firefight between the police and the bank robbers she is shot three times.
Rushed to hospital she gives birth to three children, two girls and a boy.
Each baby has a bullet in there body. The doctors say it is to dangerous to remove the bullets, so they are left in the children.
16 years later one of the daughters comes running down the stairs crying "Mum, mum I've just been on the toilet having a wee when this bullet fell out into the bowl!" Mother says "It's alright love don't worry about it.
The next day the other daughter comes running down from the toilet screaming "Mum, mum Iv'e just been having a wee when this bullet fell out into the bowl!" Mother breathes a sigh of relief and assures the second daughter that it is all right.
Two days later the son comes running down screaming "Mum, mum" She jumps in and says "Let me guess you were having a wee when this bullet fell into the bowl".
"No Mum I was having a wa*k and shot the cat!"
Aye Artist
