Scouser joke

[Contractor]

Due to my allegiance to LFC, I receive these on a daily basis, one of the better ones:

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British governments 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ unemployable
scousers.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how
Unemployed Liverpool youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less
than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew
can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech
gear.
This was thought to be an excellent, yet bold move, by Ferrari
Management.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an
advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for at the crew's first
Practice session, not only were the Scousers Pit Crew able to change the
tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed,
rebadged and sold the vehicle over to the MacLaren Team for four bottles
of Stella, a gram of speed and a quick shifty at Coulthard's bird in the
shower.

[El Prez]

It's in the jokes section, but who cares. Muchos amusement.

[lew]

[harry hackedoff]

How dare you Sir
That would be actionable, if it wasn`t funny
Six seconds, indeed.
Four seconds, without the bricks

[Artist]

Yer getting old Harry. In your day 1 second!

Artist

[Contractor]

Just for you this one Harry:

An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

"My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out across the lounge:

Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?" Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says. Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him:

"I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks. Then the Australian calls out:

"Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus".
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure. The Scouser then calls out:

"Oi whack, would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says: "Yes, I am Jesus". The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table. Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle !!! Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager. Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock: "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone - it's a miracle!!!" Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says:

"Back off, mate! I'm on Disability!"

[El Prez]

So is that! F2S!

[owdun]

The biggest scouse joke lives in Perth.W.A.



Aye Owdun.

[harry hackedoff]

Owdun, you can go off some people, you know

This Scouser, just cashed his Giro, goes to the pub and slowly gets rat-arsed. Come chucking-out time, he tries to stand up to leave but falls flat on his face."Jesus, I must be well pissed" he thinks. After several attempts to stand up,which all result in him collapsing on the floor, he decides to crawl out to the street. "The fresh air might sober me up" Once outside, he tries to stand up several more times, but each time he still falls face down in the gutter. "Bollocks to this, I`ll crawl home". He crawls the two hundred yards to his front door and tries to stand up to put the key in the door. After falling down in a shitty heap a few more times, he finally manages to open the door and crawl inside."Thank Christ the missus is asleep, I might just`ve got away with this". He slowly drags himself upstairs and collapse into bed.
Next morning, his wife says"Hey, hey, our Dad, you were well pissed, last night, weren` you?"
"`Ow d`ya know that then, our mam?"
"Because the pub`s just been on the phone, you`ve left your bloody wheelchair in the bar again"

[Allan Buckley]

Its very hard to believe a scouser getting drunk on his own money , does anyone else believe this cock and bull story , on yer bike harry
Allan
Tell us some more I enjoyed that

[Contractor]

On the same theme:

Scousers on the moon

[Contractor]

Better on full view

[PHIL]

HAHAHA

It looks a bit like my old car, that was on bricks too! Although that buggy looks a bit quicker than mine!

P.S Hey contractor! What exactly are you trying to say??

PHIL

[Contractor]

Hi Phil, I receive these virtually on a daily basis due to supporting the Mighty Reds; thought I would share.

I think they also cheer Harry up as he is stuck in the Colonies - tough life

[PHIL]

Ok contractor... Here one for you, it will have to be one because these jokes have their own section, here goes..

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.

You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided.

Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year".

The scouser said "You're bullshitting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you fu*king started it!"


PHIL - Too funny...