Share This Page:
Joke thread
-
fodd
- Member
- Posts: 1091
- Joined: Thu 19 Jun, 2003 10:13 am
- Location: currently perth western australia
- Contact:
POLICE IN LIVERPOOL HAVE JUST ARRESTED 3 ISLAMIC SCOUSERS FOR ATTEMPTED TERRORIST ATTACKS THEY HAVE HAVE BEEN NAMED AS BIN MUGGIN, BIN THEIVIN, BIN DEALING THERE WAS NO SIGN OF BIN WORKIN
ex nod was diagnosed with chronic compartment syndrome rejoining eventually.
currently in australia as im traveling the world before i rejoin the marines.
One Man One Life One Chance.
currently in australia as im traveling the world before i rejoin the marines.
One Man One Life One Chance.
-
fodd
- Member
- Posts: 1091
- Joined: Thu 19 Jun, 2003 10:13 am
- Location: currently perth western australia
- Contact:
A MAN WALKS UP VERY CLOSE TO A LADY CO-WORKER AND INHALES A BIG BREATH OF FRESH AIR AND TELLS HER HER HAIR SMELLS NICE AFTER A WEEK OF THIS SHE GOES AND PUTS A COMPLAINT OF SEXUAL HARESSMENT AGAINST HIM THE THE PERSONEL MANAGER SAYS WHATS WRONG WITH HIM SAYING YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE? SHE SAID ITS KEITH THE FUKIN DWARF
ex nod was diagnosed with chronic compartment syndrome rejoining eventually.
currently in australia as im traveling the world before i rejoin the marines.
One Man One Life One Chance.
currently in australia as im traveling the world before i rejoin the marines.
One Man One Life One Chance.
-
Wholley
- Guest
A young guy and girl find themselves sitting next to each other in a donor clinic.
The young guy thinks"Wow,She's hot"So he tries to strike up a conversation.
"Hi,What are you doing here?"
"Oh,I'm donating blood"
"Cool,How much do you get for that?"
"Twenty Bucks"
"Oh"
Not wishing to appear rude the girl ask's
"Are you donating blood too?"
"No,I'm donating sperm"
"Oh"
"How much do you get for that?"
"100 Bucks"
"Oh"
Couple of weeks later they find themselves in the same place.
The guy say's,
"Hi,Good to see you.
You donating blood again?"
She reply's
"MMM.MMM"
The young guy thinks"Wow,She's hot"So he tries to strike up a conversation.
"Hi,What are you doing here?"
"Oh,I'm donating blood"
"Cool,How much do you get for that?"
"Twenty Bucks"
"Oh"
Not wishing to appear rude the girl ask's
"Are you donating blood too?"
"No,I'm donating sperm"
"Oh"
"How much do you get for that?"
"100 Bucks"
"Oh"
Couple of weeks later they find themselves in the same place.
The guy say's,
"Hi,Good to see you.
You donating blood again?"
She reply's
"MMM.MMM"
Wholley wrote:A young guy and girl find themselves sitting next to each other in a donor clinic.
The young guy thinks"Wow,She's hot"So he tries to strike up a conversation.
"Hi,What are you doing here?"
"Oh,I'm donating blood"
"Cool,How much do you get for that?"
"Twenty Bucks"
"Oh"
Not wishing to appear rude the girl ask's
"Are you donating blood too?"
"No,I'm donating sperm"
"Oh"
"How much do you get for that?"
"100 Bucks"
"Oh"
Couple of weeks later they find themselves in the same place.
The guy say's,
"Hi,Good to see you.
You donating blood again?"
She reply's
"MMM.MMM"
Nice one.-
Frank S.
- Guest
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I Love Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "So did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars...... but realistically,.... we're living with two sluts and a queer."
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I Love Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "So did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars...... but realistically,.... we're living with two sluts and a queer."
-
Frank S.
- Guest
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher passed out.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher passed out.
-
Wholley
- Guest
This week 156 years ago California became a State.
The State had no electricity,
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.
So basically,It was just like California is today,
Except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
(Sorry Mr and Mrs Frank S.Couldn't resist)
The State had no electricity,
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.
So basically,It was just like California is today,
Except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
(Sorry Mr and Mrs Frank S.Couldn't resist)
Hey those last few were ok... i think the statement about 'us' not winning a war without 'your' help should be reversed though.. Malaya of the top of my head (albeit an 'emergency') with to my knowledge no US intervention... anyway...
What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
Half A dog..
I hear its pretty chilly in Virginia right now... about minus 33..
Stop me when these get innapropriate..
What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
Half A dog..
I hear its pretty chilly in Virginia right now... about minus 33..
Stop me when these get innapropriate..
-
Wholley
- Guest
They Just Did.King_duck wrote:
I hear its pretty chilly in Virginia right now... about minus 33..
Stop me when these get inappropriate..
I'm expecting something crass about the three year old abducted in the Portuguese Algarve at any moment.
When that happens this thread will be locked.
I was not comfortable with this thread in the first instance.
To appreciate an adult joke,
You have to be an adult.
Then understand the difference.
Well, it's old, but it's still funny:
Letter from a farm kid, now at San Diego Marine Corps Recruit Training
Dear Ma & Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Seargent says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Seargent is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
Letter from a farm kid, now at San Diego Marine Corps Recruit Training
Dear Ma & Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Seargent says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Seargent is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 towards a new barn roof & ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
Have embarked on a TA recruits' course... Four weekends down, two to go, but it ain't getting any easier!
-
Wholley
- Guest
Just to lower the tone(If thats possible)
A self made American business man,
Coming towards the end of his life decides he should make peace with his God.
He invites the local God Botherer for a round of golf at his exclusive club.
At the first tee he misse's the ball entirely.
AW Fark It,,MissedSay's he.
This continues through the ninth with him sayingFark it,MissedAt every hooked swing.
Finally the Padre says"My son,If you continue to blaspheme in this manner the Lord will surely strike you down".
On the thirteenth he swings and misses again.
FARK IT MISSED
The Heaven's cloud over and a mighty thunderbolt descends to the Earth.the vicar vanishes with only a red hot nine iron and a pair of smoking golf shoes left.
A voice from above is heard.
FARK IT.......MISSED!!!!!
A self made American business man,
Coming towards the end of his life decides he should make peace with his God.
He invites the local God Botherer for a round of golf at his exclusive club.
At the first tee he misse's the ball entirely.
AW Fark It,,MissedSay's he.
This continues through the ninth with him sayingFark it,MissedAt every hooked swing.
Finally the Padre says"My son,If you continue to blaspheme in this manner the Lord will surely strike you down".
On the thirteenth he swings and misses again.
FARK IT MISSED
The Heaven's cloud over and a mighty thunderbolt descends to the Earth.the vicar vanishes with only a red hot nine iron and a pair of smoking golf shoes left.
A voice from above is heard.
FARK IT.......MISSED!!!!!
