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You know your drunk when..........
This seems like the most appropriate place to post this! 
THE FIVE STAGES OF GETTING DRUNK
Stage 1 - CLEVER - This is when you suddenly become an expert on everysubject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE - This is when you realise that you are the most
ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. Youcan go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a
bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of
course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway,
it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also
buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are
clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and
everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a
battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than they are anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this
point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - STUPID As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the
headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to
concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom
mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now
become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are
shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier.
Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and
shave or apply make up whilst shaking
Stage 3 - POOR Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver 150 by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.
Stage 4 - FRAGILE As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your
consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS This is the final stage of sobering up.
Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its
cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can
complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID
to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too
UGLY to hide.
THE FIVE STAGES OF GETTING DRUNK
Stage 1 - CLEVER - This is when you suddenly become an expert on everysubject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE - This is when you realise that you are the most
ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. Youcan go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a
bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of
course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway,
it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also
buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are
clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and
everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a
battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than they are anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this
point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - STUPID As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the
headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life but also the ability to
concentrate on anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY Never entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom
mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now
become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are
shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier.
Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try and
shave or apply make up whilst shaking
Stage 3 - POOR Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver 150 by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.
Stage 4 - FRAGILE As you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your
consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS This is the final stage of sobering up.
Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its
cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can
complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID
to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too
UGLY to hide.
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harry hackedoff
- Member
- Posts: 14415
- Joined: Tue 19 Feb, 2002 12:00 am
You know you`re drunk when...
You`re staggering back to your Liggen hut for a grot party,with a crate of E-Dahls in each hand and the CSM catches you."Where d`ya think you`re going, Hackedoff, you know I could have you locked up for this?"
And you reply"come on Sir, you must`ve done this loads of times"
"Yes Harry, but not without me trousers on. Come with me"
Flo, very funny mate Warsteiner takes me back to Besheim or Hindsaetr, were you bought a crate if it was your round. My round next and there`s nowt left except Niersteiner Kabinet. "Giz a crate of that then"Several cases later and, oh, how we vomited 
Thinking how peckish I am when someone starts boatracing Mars bars
When visiting someone elses mess and they shout "sing, sing, or show us your ring" and you do both anyway
Waking up in the heads in Gardemoen with absolutely no idea that you`d even left Lillehammer,
Wondering how the flock you were going to get back
Drinking napthalene and orange juice with the VMs because the mess has closed.
Getting up homers with a Norge bird who lives with her mum and trying to trap the mum when Norge bird goes to the heads. Succeeding
Getting caught in a lip-lock with hands down each others knickers and ending up plums
Not being able to remember where the mum lives on Monday 
Don`t you just hate it when that happens )
Waking up next to Anne Widdecombe`s ugly sister and she wants a repeat performance. Of what, you have no idea, thankfully
Getting the munchies and there`s nowt to eat except raw herring in tomato sauce, eating it anyway. Throwing up in me pit and thinking "this shite tastes better than when I ate it"
You`re staggering back to your Liggen hut for a grot party,with a crate of E-Dahls in each hand and the CSM catches you."Where d`ya think you`re going, Hackedoff, you know I could have you locked up for this?"
And you reply"come on Sir, you must`ve done this loads of times"
"Yes Harry, but not without me trousers on. Come with me"
Flo, very funny mate
Warsteiner takes me back to Besheim or Hindsaetr, were you bought a crate if it was your round. My round next and there`s nowt left except Niersteiner Kabinet. "Giz a crate of that then"Several cases later and, oh, how we vomited Thinking how peckish I am when someone starts boatracing Mars bars
When visiting someone elses mess and they shout "sing, sing, or show us your ring" and you do both anyway
Waking up in the heads in Gardemoen with absolutely no idea that you`d even left Lillehammer,
Wondering how the flock you were going to get back
Drinking napthalene and orange juice with the VMs because the mess has closed.
Getting up homers with a Norge bird who lives with her mum and trying to trap the mum when Norge bird goes to the heads. Succeeding
Getting caught in a lip-lock with hands down each others knickers and ending up plums
Not being able to remember where the mum lives on Monday Don`t you just hate it when that happens )Waking up next to Anne Widdecombe`s ugly sister and she wants a repeat performance. Of what, you have no idea, thankfully
Getting the munchies and there`s nowt to eat except raw herring in tomato sauce, eating it anyway. Throwing up in me pit and thinking "this shite tastes better than when I ate it"
Harry LOL - Ann Widdecombe's sister LOL Red herring in tomato sauce - eerrrrrrrrr
Meekon wrote:
Having been in the company of some 'high ranking' officers at the odd do now and again, I can definitely see that most of them are still achieving Stage 1-3 'on-the-quiet', although some of them are clearly in breach of the 'attractive' part. Although Meekon - at times, there is at times an intermittent stage perhaps between Stage 2 and 3 - where the 'person-in-drink' uses the opportunity of 'merriness' to try and proposition the opposite sex - promising certain extremes of pleasure - when you know you would have more fun tickling between your legs with a dull razor blade. And the git - sorry - 'person-in-drink' isn't that drunk not to know what he is dong, but tries to use that excuse when you knock them back. 
I can still laugh about them though MyssL
Meekon wrote:
Stage 1 - CLEVER - This is when you suddenly become an expert on everysubject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE - This is when you realise that you are the most
ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. Youcan go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a
bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage, because of
course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway,
it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also
buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are
clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present
Having been in the company of some 'high ranking' officers at the odd do now and again, I can definitely see that most of them are still achieving Stage 1-3 'on-the-quiet', although some of them are clearly in breach of the 'attractive' part.
Although Meekon - at times, there is at times an intermittent stage perhaps between Stage 2 and 3 - where the 'person-in-drink' uses the opportunity of 'merriness' to try and proposition the opposite sex - promising certain extremes of pleasure - when you know you would have more fun tickling between your legs with a dull razor blade. And the git - sorry - 'person-in-drink' isn't that drunk not to know what he is dong, but tries to use that excuse when you knock them back. I can still laugh about them though
MyssL-
sneaky beaky
- Member
- Posts: 1273
- Joined: Mon 09 Sep, 2002 8:09 pm
- Location: 19th hole
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harry hackedoff
- Member
- Posts: 14415
- Joined: Tue 19 Feb, 2002 12:00 am
Sneaks, we know
Typing out a rather insensitive post ref Welsh Guards and deleting it because I`m not (yet) in the category to which Sneaky refers
Turning up on the range still pissed and cringing as the first rounds go down. When it`s my turn I simply closed my eyes, turned my head to the right and fired the whole mag. Twelve rounds in me neighbour`s target
You really know you`re pissed when you think to yourself "Oh, good, they`re doing Father Abraham, again"
You know the Colonel`s pissed when he trys to swim in the fountain in a curry house in Ostende No names, no whatsit.
Oh, alright then, it was Tim C******ey
Typing out a rather insensitive post ref Welsh Guards and deleting it because I`m not (yet) in the category to which Sneaky refers
Turning up on the range still pissed and cringing as the first rounds go down. When it`s my turn I simply closed my eyes, turned my head to the right and fired the whole mag. Twelve rounds in me neighbour`s target
You really know you`re pissed when you think to yourself "Oh, good, they`re doing Father Abraham, again"
You know the Colonel`s pissed when he trys to swim in the fountain in a curry house in Ostende
No names, no whatsit.Oh, alright then, it was Tim C******ey
[url=http://www.militaryforums.co.uk/forums/groupcp.php?g=397][img]http://www.militaryforums.co.uk/forums/images/usergroups/listener.gif[/img][/url]
when it takes you 4 times as long to walk back from the local than when you walkled there sober............one step forward....one to the side...... hold on to lamp post.....stagger into road........find way back onto path......wave at passing cars......one step forward....one step................
Mark
Mark
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flo
- Guest
When your p*ssed as newt on camp and apparently do four different bars but can only remember 2, next day all these young squaddies, whom you've never met 
keep shouting out, 'Hiya flo' and the hangover doesnt kick in until late afternoon the following day.
Thats when you know youve had a good night. Next time i go out on camp i want a video recorder strapped to my forehead , so i can watch it all in the morning.
keep shouting out, 'Hiya flo' and the hangover doesnt kick in until late afternoon the following day. Thats when you know youve had a good night. Next time i go out on camp i want a video recorder strapped to my forehead , so i can watch it all in the morning.
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flo
- Guest
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flo
- Guest
