Joke

[freestyler_onli]

I got a text off my ex-girlfriend the other day. It said 'Why don't you come round-theres no-one in.' So I went round.........and there was no-one in!

[Jason The Argonaut]

An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots a glass to pieces and says "In Sath
Afrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun ans shoots the glass to pieces and says "Well mate in 'straaaaaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice
either".

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South
African and the Australian and says "In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same one's twice."

[Jon]

Best Marketing strategy from my very own local chinese take-a-way:

Inside a fortune cookie - "Buy another one for good advice"

[anglo-saxon]

This one must be read with the part of the midget spoken through the nose...

Midget (with a hair lip): I want to buy a horth.

Horse breeder: A pony?

Midget: No, I want that one, there.

Breeder: It's 17 hands!

Midget: Yeth. Lift me up, I want to thee itth teeth.

(Breeder lifts the midget up.)

Midget: Nithe teeth. Now let me thee itth mane.

(Breeder lifts the midget up again.)

Midget: Nice mane. Now let me thee it twot.

(30 seconds later as midget is stood there, covered in mucous): Let me rephrathe that...let me thee it walk very fast!

[joethejudge]

Asmall poem for you.
Line 6 has an extra syllable(sp?)


There once was a good ol' Bootie
As tall as there could be
He would jump over fences
'Cause he was 6'3

But then he joined the Paras
And kept hitting the floor
He was jumping out of planes
And now hes 4'4

Sooo, don't join the Paras
If you want to stay tall
Join the Marines
Because they're the best of all!
Enjoy

[Jamie T]

What's the difference between Micheal Jackson and a plastic bag?

One is harmful to children

The other carries your shopping

[Mike]

Three men, one American, one Japanese, and an Irishman, were sitting naked

in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed

his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my

arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm

to his ear. When he finished he explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided

He had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna

and went to the bathroom. When he returned, he had a piece of toilet paper

hanging from his arse. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Irishman glanced around behind and said....

" B-jesus, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!!!

[bootneck]

A Baby Seal walks into a Club...................................tragic ain`t it.

[freestyler_onli]

What the connection between Beckham and George Michael?
They've both comes in Loo(e)s.

[bootneck]

I`ve seperated the jokes by putting them in as quotes, just for those enthusiastic ones onboard.

A young guy from Australia moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Australia." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "£101,237.64" Boss says "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.

There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street. A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the mirror forever
The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first she said:
"I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette", she got a pot of silver.
Next the brunette went in she said:
"I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond," she got a new car.
The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said:
"I think..."
She was banished into the mirror forever.

A guy is walking round an athletics stadium...
He sees another man with a long stick.
So he says "Are you a pole vaulter…?
The other man replies, "No I am German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell Santa next year to put a taillight on that bike." The kid says, "Nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The cop says, "Yeah." The kid says, "Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

A busker was playing Dancing Queen on the didgeridoo when a passer-by says, "Blimey, that's Aboriginal."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!! sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of granny's hairs are white?"

[Jason The Argonaut]

A Baby Seal walks into a Club...................................tragic ain`t it.

So cruel


While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

[bootneck]

So cruel

try these,

whats the differance between babies and hay? you can`t pitch fork hay

what do you call 2 abortions in a bucket? blood brothers

[Jason The Argonaut]

A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."

[Jason The Argonaut]

SPURS LIFE PLAN

Are you worried about the future?

Let's face it, we're not getting any younger and we all have to think about our lavish lifestyles after our careers are over.

Are you over 33?

Well past your best?

Looking for an easy life?

Then you are eligible for the Spurs Life Plan!!! We pay you £30,000 a week, there's a pointless medical, and no sales person will call.

You'll get a FREE house, luxury car and limitless golf at some of England's finest courses.

Don't take our word for it, read these recommendations by some of our satisfied clients:

"When I'm no longer playing, I know my family will be financially secure"
Gus, London

"I recommend the Spurs Life Plan to all my family"
Christian, London

"The Spurs plan supplemented my pension, just when I thought it was too late"
Dean R, London

"The generosity of the Spurs plan is unmatched in the world of pension finance. It was the best move we ever made"
Jamie and Louise, Essex

"Even when everyone said I was too old, Spurs were prepared to supplement my pension with an outrageous offer"
Mauricio, Buenos Aires

"Despite being permanently injured, I was still eligible for the Life Plan - year after year"
Darren, Watford.

"Tottingham is for me doing it"
Ossie, Swindon.

CALL NOW!

Don't sit there worrying about the future - RELAX - That phone will ring!!

Spurs life plan is regulated by D Levy and his pals at the bank, and is funded by the 30,000 who have invested in the "THFC Season Ticket" pyramid scam over the last 10 years.



From an Arsenal fan to all you Spurs supporters

[AdamR]

What do you call a hard working Spaniard?












Manuel Labour