John Mayer, musician; penultimate paragraph.
Can't help but smile."John Mayer died on March 9th after stepping into the path of a jeep the previous day whilst returning from an opticians appointment."
Share This Page:
Joke
This caught my attention, from the Daily Tory's obituaries.
John Mayer, musician; penultimate paragraph.
John Mayer, musician; penultimate paragraph.
You should talk to somebody who gives a f**k.
[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v77/Robiz/movie_star_wars_yoda.gif[/img]
El Presidente
[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v77/Robiz/movie_star_wars_yoda.gif[/img]
El Presidente
-
freestyler_onli
- Member
- Posts: 275
- Joined: Sat 31 Jan, 2004 1:53 pm
- Location: London
The doggies held a meeting,
They came from near and far,
Some came by motor cycle,
And some by motor car
Each doggie passed the doorway,
Each doggie signed the book
Each one took off his a*sehole
And hung it on a hook.
One dog was not invited
It sorely raised his ire
He ran into the meeting hall
And loudly shouted "Fire!"
It threw them into confusion
And to their heels they took
Each grabbed anothers asshole
From off of another hook
And that's the reason why
That whilst walking down the street
Tehy would decline a great big bone
Or other tasty treat
They have an important job to do
Before they get back home
They'll sniff each other's a*sehole
To try and find their own.
They came from near and far,
Some came by motor cycle,
And some by motor car
Each doggie passed the doorway,
Each doggie signed the book
Each one took off his a*sehole
And hung it on a hook.
One dog was not invited
It sorely raised his ire
He ran into the meeting hall
And loudly shouted "Fire!"
It threw them into confusion
And to their heels they took
Each grabbed anothers asshole
From off of another hook
And that's the reason why
That whilst walking down the street
Tehy would decline a great big bone
Or other tasty treat
They have an important job to do
Before they get back home
They'll sniff each other's a*sehole
To try and find their own.
Bloody Arse!
-
Contractor
- Member
- Posts: 1036
- Joined: Fri 30 May, 2003 12:45 pm
- Location: Cotswolds
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"By all means," they said, "you're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer. Part way round the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here's the tool of my trade."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend,
"May I have a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Why I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right through the window."
"Cor, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha ha, I can see she's naked.
What's that? Hang on a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.....He's naked as well! That bitch!"
He turned to the hit man, "Well then, how much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Glad to, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his cock off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here......"
local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"By all means," they said, "you're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer. Part way round the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here's the tool of my trade."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend,
"May I have a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Why I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right through the window."
"Cor, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha ha, I can see she's naked.
What's that? Hang on a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her.....He's naked as well! That bitch!"
He turned to the hit man, "Well then, how much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand pounds every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Glad to, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his cock off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here......"
The Royal Marine's, The Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival exercise together to see who comes out on top.
After some basic training the DS tells them their next objective is to go doen to the wood and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
[night start's to fall]
First up- the Marine's, having drawn all the required store's, prep'ed their order of march, attended a well excecuted set of order's; set off in formation for the woods. Once in the wood's their was absolute silence, only broken 15minutes later by a 'phut-phut'.
They emerged with a large rabbit shot clenly between the eye's.
'Excellent' remarks the DS.
Next up- The Para's, finish their can's of larger, smear themselves with cam cream, fix bayonet's and charge down into the wood's screaming at the top of their lung's. For the next hour the woods ring with the soundof rifle fire, machine gun fire, hand-grenades, mortar stomp's and blood curdling war cries. Eventualy they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
'Bit messy, but you achieved the aim' say's the DS
Lastly- in goes the Copper's, walking slowly, hand's behind back's whistling the Dixon of Dock Green tune. For the next few hour's, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie 'Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Mars Bar for Three, suspect headed straight for you...'. After what seem's like an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
'What the hell are you doing?' scream's the DS 'Take the squirrel back and get me a rabbit like i ordered you to five hour's ago.
So back they go. Minute's pass, minute's turning to hours, dawn start's to break and eventualy turn's to day and passes on throught night to the next morning. The DS and the other teams are awoken by the Copper's again escorting a handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
'Are you taking the p*ss!!??' shreik's the DS, now seriously irrate. The Copper's team leader nudges the squirrel who speaks 'Alright, alright, I'm the Rabbit'
After some basic training the DS tells them their next objective is to go doen to the wood and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
[night start's to fall]
First up- the Marine's, having drawn all the required store's, prep'ed their order of march, attended a well excecuted set of order's; set off in formation for the woods. Once in the wood's their was absolute silence, only broken 15minutes later by a 'phut-phut'.
They emerged with a large rabbit shot clenly between the eye's.
'Excellent' remarks the DS.
Next up- The Para's, finish their can's of larger, smear themselves with cam cream, fix bayonet's and charge down into the wood's screaming at the top of their lung's. For the next hour the woods ring with the soundof rifle fire, machine gun fire, hand-grenades, mortar stomp's and blood curdling war cries. Eventualy they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
'Bit messy, but you achieved the aim' say's the DS
Lastly- in goes the Copper's, walking slowly, hand's behind back's whistling the Dixon of Dock Green tune. For the next few hour's, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie talkie 'Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Mars Bar for Three, suspect headed straight for you...'. After what seem's like an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
'What the hell are you doing?' scream's the DS 'Take the squirrel back and get me a rabbit like i ordered you to five hour's ago.
So back they go. Minute's pass, minute's turning to hours, dawn start's to break and eventualy turn's to day and passes on throught night to the next morning. The DS and the other teams are awoken by the Copper's again escorting a handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
'Are you taking the p*ss!!??' shreik's the DS, now seriously irrate. The Copper's team leader nudges the squirrel who speaks 'Alright, alright, I'm the Rabbit'
Chaos, Disorder, Destruction.....My work here is done!
*****
"The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. --- Alan Ashley Pitt"
*****
Why can't you accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
*****
"The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. --- Alan Ashley Pitt"
*****
Why can't you accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
-
freestyler_onli
- Member
- Posts: 275
- Joined: Sat 31 Jan, 2004 1:53 pm
- Location: London
-
exvmremf
- Guest
-
exvmremf
- Guest
-
freestyler_onli
- Member
- Posts: 275
- Joined: Sat 31 Jan, 2004 1:53 pm
- Location: London
Manchester United have set up a helpline for their disappointed fans. The number is 0800 101010. Thats 'Oh 800, won nothing,won nothing, won nothing.'
Leicester City's sponsers 'Walkers' are cashing in on the latest scandal by launching a new range of crisps. They are Porn Cocktail, Sleaze N Onion, Spit Roasted Chicken, Assault N Vinegar and Pokey Bacon.
Leicester City's sponsers 'Walkers' are cashing in on the latest scandal by launching a new range of crisps. They are Porn Cocktail, Sleaze N Onion, Spit Roasted Chicken, Assault N Vinegar and Pokey Bacon.
Bloody Arse!
Marines and Camels
A new Marine Captain was assigned to a company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ..........urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."
The Captain says, "I can't say I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild sex with the camel.When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh . . . no sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are...
He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ..........urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."
The Captain says, "I can't say I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild sex with the camel.When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh . . . no sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are...
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming... 'F*ck, what a trip!'
Start Basic 24th May
Start Basic 24th May
Letter Daily Tory Wed 31st March.
Sir, Kevin O'Neill, a Labour man, admits to reading the Daily Telegraph in order to know what the enemy is thinking. As a medical student, I was advised by a consultant gynaecologist to read Cosmopolitan, for the same reason.
Matthew Roberts
Denver Colorado.
Nice to know some of my students pay attention
Sir, Kevin O'Neill, a Labour man, admits to reading the Daily Telegraph in order to know what the enemy is thinking. As a medical student, I was advised by a consultant gynaecologist to read Cosmopolitan, for the same reason.
Matthew Roberts
Denver Colorado.
Nice to know some of my students pay attention
You should talk to somebody who gives a f**k.
[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v77/Robiz/movie_star_wars_yoda.gif[/img]
El Presidente
[img]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v77/Robiz/movie_star_wars_yoda.gif[/img]
El Presidente
Woman walks up to a guy in a bar and says "Hi, my name's carmen cos I like cars and I like men. What's yours?"
He replies: Charlie Beerc*nt.
He replies: Charlie Beerc*nt.
Last edited by HavocIRL on Thu 01 Apr, 2004 6:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Spray and pray.
