Joke

[Charlie]

I hear the Dixons, Comet and Currys are all opening shops in Kabul.

Something to do with the telly ban being lifted.

[JulesB]

Irish SAS went into Baghdad Zoo yesterday, they shot all the gorillas and released all of the ostriches...

[Charlie]

The bank I work for has just brought out a new account.

It's called the Grobelaar Account.........."The less you save, the more you earn!"

[Benn]

http://winstars.free.fr/english/bush.html

[Wully]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is however, the best peice of ash I have ever put my pecker in!"

[woodbury rash]

All the women in Iraq have shaved off their minge hairs and are going on a protest.

their placards say "read our lips,no more Bush!!"

[harry hackedoff]

Heyup Rash, have you tried Iodine

The following joke is rated PG as it contains sexual references.
If you are of the "Feminist" persuasion, please read no further.
The rest of you, put yer drink down before proceeding.
You have been warned

Sheila was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow
slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled.
Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the
floor" she said. "Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey"
(his mate). They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan B." "Plan B?"
exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and
chisel and we'll break the tiles under her."
"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and
play with her tits."
"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate"?
No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!! where the tiles aren't so expensive"

[harry hackedoff]

What kind of world is it, when...

The best golfer in the world is black?
The best rap artiste is white?
The French accuse the Americans of being arrogant?
The Germans refuse to invade another country?

[Archie]

Did you catch the item below on the news today???

CNN/Reuters: News reports have filtered out early this morning that US Forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.



With thanks to Dinger in Blackpool

[Charlie]

Why did the Mexican throw his wife off a cliff?

Tequila!

[Charlie]

What's the difference between a golfer and a parachutist?

One goes - WHACK................."F**K"

The othe goes - "F**K"...............WHACK

[woodbury rash]

Harry H,yep I used to use it like aftershave when I was a nod.

Excellent joke my man, laughed my balls orf.

I went to the local sex shop yesterday to buy a inflatable doll(come on Royal you all remember them ) it was a cheap palestinian one,got it home and the f****r blew itself up!!!!!

[dan]

Duck walks into a toyshop and he's looking around. The guy behind the till watches him curiously as the duck ponders the various items in the shop. Slowly, duck walks up to the counter, clears his throat and asks, "Can I buy a loaf of bread?
"No, this is a toyshop, we don't sell bread." The shopkeeper replies.
"Oh." Says the duck. It waddles out of the shop.

Next day, same time, duck enters and procedes to look around the shop. After a moment or too it waddles up to the counter, "Erm, can I buy a loaf of bread?"
"Look mate, I already told you, we only sell toys, not bread." Replies the shopkeeper.
"Oh." Says the duck. It leaves the shop.

Next day, same time, in comes the duck, waddling around and gazing at all the toys in the shop. After a while, it waddles up the counter, clears its throat and asks, "Can I buy a loaf of bread?"
"Look you little sh*te!" Yells the shopkeeper, "We don't sell bread! None at all! We only sell toys!! If you come back here again i'm going to nail your beak to the desk!!"
"Oh." Says the duck and leaves.

Next day, same time, in waddles the duck. It spends a short while gazing at the various products before bobbing up to the counter. "Do you sell nails?"
"No." The shopkeeper gruffly replies.
"Oh." Says the duck, "Can I buy some bread?"

[Artist]

A Vicar was strolling along one fine day when he saw Sally and her little puppy.

'Hello Sally, my what a wonderful little puppy you've got there. What do you call it then'

'Porky' replies Sally.

'My word that is an unusual name for a little puppy Sally. Why did you call it that?'

'Because it fu*ks pigs'.

aye steve evans

[Artist]

This bloke goes to Singers and buys 12 Rolex watches to bring back to the UK to sell at a vast profit.

He pondered where to hide them and decided to strap them to his 'old man' (twas a 'big' lad).

When he arrived at Heathrow he got in the nothing to declare queue.

The duty Customs officer was pounding his left wrist every few seconds and just as our Smuggler came up to him was heard to say under his breath 'Batterys duff, blast it!'

The officer looks at our hero and asks in a pleasant manner 'heyup, have yer got the time on yer cock?'

aye steve evans