Barrack Tales

[bootneck]

Seaton Barracks Galley, JNCO`s do, lots of fine food and wine, provided by the chefs, ok, lots of good wine. Moggie Morgan was Cpl Chef, and at the end of the meal, the waitresses, came round with the cheese board. I asked her if she had any Smegma Cheese, no, was her reply,I`ll ask the Chef. off she tootled, to see moggie, she came out of the galley, followed by moggie,(who was a little red faced), who stayed at the door, obviously the buzz had gone round the tables, and on her return, the galley fell quiet, sorry, came her reply, the chef hasn`t got any smegma cheese either, the whole galley erupted with laughter, all except moggie. Most people at our table wondered why the wine was a little warm as well, but I`ll leave that, to your imagination

[JR]

About 1954 and during one of their many Jaunts to North Africa from Malta,45 Commando had obtained a donkey who went by the name of 2/Lt Ernest,on return to Malta Ernest was billeted in the MT yard. During the Christmas festivities the Padre of 45 Commando approached the MT regulating Cpl and asked for transport to take him to Valletta: Cpl, sorry Padre nothing available,Padre but I must get to Valletta,reg Cpl: I tell you what,take Ernest,you must be joking remarked the Padre,not at all said the Regulating Cpl,If Jesus rode to Jeruselem on a donkey I'm sure you could go to Valletta on one.Aye jr

[Rogue Chef]

Ahoy there!

Lunchtime, Main Galley, HMS Holdfast, Belize 85/86.
A Bravo Coy Royal asks a RAF Reg chap, "What do the RAF Reg do then?"
Reply: "Well, the best way to think about it is, you know how the Royal Marines are the Navy's Commandos, well the RAF Reg are the RAF's Commandos".

Stunned silence.

Aye
Steve

[El Prez]

41 on the Bulwark, summer cruise '72, Cyprus etc. 4P2 messdeck in the shape of F coy and the rest of the unit fell in for church parade on the flight deck. GD shirt, KD shorts, long socks, garter flashes, boots, puttees. The RSM, Spike Kelly (think of Windsor Davies, if you never met Spike) ordered 'Off Caps'.
I don't think I've ever known such a near death experience. Suddenly Spikes eyes were transfixed on me, or so I thought , and he looked fit to be tied. All through the service his gaze never left me. At the end he ordered Foxtrot to remain in place and stormed over towards me; I was terrified. What I didn't know was that I was standing next to a marine from an older generation. Ginge Nearey's scalp had commenced exfoliating many moons previously; consequently he had grown what were known as 'Gull Wings' to cover his bare bits, in the manner of Bobby Charlton. When Ginge took off his beret the wind had snatched these folded locks upright from his head, where they remained. Spike read Ginge the riot act and then went walkabout in order to prevent an act of violence. I could have kissed Ginge, he had saved my life.

[Mike]

Picture this. HMS Tartar, Grey Funnel Line, entering Bharain for the first time in the commish, CNFG (Big White Chief Gulf) on the quayside, we come along side, port side too, WRONG coz the starboard side had been painted, scrubbed and tityvated expecting Stbd side too.
Well ships company lining the sides in whites with chin straps down on their little milk churn lids coz it was a tad breezy.
Now for those of you without a nautical bent!!!!! (no BLOODY comments PLEASE)
When a navy ship enters harbour, an anchor party is always present on the bows, JUST IN CASE, part of this party is a Stoker(engine room bod), he looks after the steamy bits on the bow. On this occasion the Stoker was a VERY large lad with a VERY bald head.
Now coz the big white Honcho was standing on the quay and inspectiong the rust and flaky paint on our ships side, the Old Man decides to distract his attention by ordering 'ORF' caps and Three cheers.
So ships company including anchor party removes their lids, except that large stoker had not sewn the chin strap into his cap, BUT the resoursfull lad had pre-empted the order 'Down chin straps' by tying the strap round his chin ending with a beautiful BOW on the top of his very large bald head, now clearly for the world to see. Old man stuttered something through the tannoy and Royal came to a quick PRESENT and Honcho disapeared over the horizon in his black limo.
Stokers, don't yer just love em...

[El Prez]

Winter ’77-’78 on the moor was atrocious. Many feet of snow, all routes blocked, no power, no water, etc. We had been lifting heart patients and pregnant mums to be into Plymouth and other locations and generally having a busy time when I was tasked with an observer to take a couple of water engineers up to the north of the moor to try and repair a pumping sub station. Navigation was difficult, the cloud base was low and we generally were using the top of road signs pointing up out of the snow as indications of the roads beneath.
Landed outside a bungalow, which turned out to be a farmhouse, the snow was up to the bedrooms. We wondered around, helped the owners who had been housebound for days, and discovered a nearly dead pony in their paddock. There wasn’t a gun so we spent an hour or so coaxing some life into the semi-frozen beast. Eventually it was forced to get up, rubbed down with hay, covered in a tarp and fed with hay. We left it dazed but alive in their byre.
Next day an RSPCA inspector doing a stock check of Harry’s sheep overheard the same observer exclaim ‘there’s that pony we dug out of the snow yesterday’. End result? Parry and Obs get an award from the RSPCA; so far so good; award to be presented by Duke of Edinburgh; bad. Lovatts didn’t fit etc. Wander over to Bickleigh, D of E presents many medals, MBEs, Fire Lighting, GCB and so on, reaches our little party and smiles condescendingly (bad move) when told our tale by Colonel. Trying to be serious he enquired whether I’d had much difficulty with recirculating snow during the task. Trying to be super cool I replied no as there had been a slight thaw which allowed a crystalline layer to form, thereby reducing the hazard. D of E became perplexed and asked whether I was mistaken; by now I’m as pissed off as him and replied no way, despite the imploring looks from Colonel of 42. D of E tries again, and Colonel now hurls daggers in my direction; response as before, no probs pal, D of E storms off, annoyed that sprog helo driver has the audacity to back chat him.
Colonel 42 rounds on me. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’
To which he got the immortal reply, ‘Well he started it!’

[JR]

Own up 'Rob Parry',It was you Hovering over 'Dartmoor Nick' putting all and sundry into panic stations,thought someone was comming to get the "Birdman of Dartmoor", from of the university of the Moor,Governor was just about to hit the panic button.Aye jr

[El Prez]

'Twere me. I admit it. I was supplying the nick with yeast. The prison was cooking bread for the whole of Princetown. The other reason for our visit was finding some loony 3/4 mile from the nick, done up in overcoat, suit, town shoes; wading through 8-10 feet of snow with two suitcases. He maintained that he had to get to an important business meeting. Another hour and he would have been untraceable. We just turned him around and made him walk back.
Which reminds me. I picked up a heavily pregnant lady from the Two Bridges car park, got her to hospital just in time. Anybody know of a 24/25 year old born at that time living near there, they owe me a beer. No mutley she was heavily pregnant when picked up, not delivering nine months later.

[JR]

Thought so Rob,Can remember the episode well,the 'nick', 'Cook and Baker'working flat out to supply bread to the outlying area's,I can even remember the Pregnant women being picked up from two bridges,the Prison Land Rover was tasked to try and get through to assist but could not make it,So, Many thanks for a good effort,and thats from all the Ex Royals serving has Prison Officers at the 'Moor',and believe me that Prison was Run by Ex 'Bootnecks' Aye jr

[Rotary Booty]

40 Commando, Burma Camp, Malaysia 1963ish. We are about to go to Aden, for some strange reason, on Bulwark. (Probably because we had just completed jungle warfare training) We are told that when we are on exercise in the desert we will be required to place barbed wire around our positions to keep back the hoards of 'enemy'. Said structure is to be called 'The Forty Fence'! Whole unit to clear lower deck at 1400hrs on the football pitch to observe demonstration of said 'Forty Fence'. Demonstration carried out in front of awe struck unit by 2nd Lieutenant and highly trained volunteers! After demo said officer declares, The Forty Fence' is very easy to put up, this is only our 3rd erection today".
Ah, memories!

[Mike]

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still,
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Bought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his f*king head.
Im not a morning person

[Mike]

Hi, Just been directed to the following site
www.therockalltimes.co.uk
Thought that some of you would like a good read..

Aye

[El Prez]

JR, that week/10 days during the winter was one of those rare occasions when you feel you have actually achieved something, done some good and helped someone. Wish we could all do it a bit more frequently, might sort out a degree of strife on the planet.

[barrybudden]

I was at RM Poole in 1991 we had a unit prade for something or other I can't remember. It was a very warm summer day and some of the SNCO's had been out on the pop for a leaveing run the previous night, everyone was in Blues and formed up in companies. The Adj was on his trusty steed chargeing about all over the prade. The CO marched on, we had been standing about for quite a while by now and some of the Seniors started to cream in and were being casevaced when the Adj charged up to the CO and reported the prade to him. His horse dunged and trotted off. So now we have the CO left standing about 10 feet infront of a big pile of shit! After about 5 minutes they had to get a man with a bucket and shovel to come and clean it up. It made the whole thing quite memorable.

[barrybudden]

Not a Corp one this but quite good.

About 20 years ago there was a "turkey shoot" for one of the platoons in 2 UDR in Armagh, the winner was presented with the said 20lb turkey in a nice big meal bag with the neck of the bag tied in the drill hall with wives and children present. So as anyone would do he opened the bag to have a look at the Christmas dinner and the bird siezed the oppertunity and made a break for it across the drill hall scatering women and children everywhere.