Let me be the first

[Mike]

Happy Chriestmas to ALL my readers


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;

St Nicholas (aka - Father Christmas, Santa and ‘the big bloke with whiskers’), the contractor in question, specialises in out of hour’s seasonal work - probably to avoid tax and be out of reach of the Enforcing Authority. The time of year introduces a foreseeable risk to anyone working outside subjecting them to inclement weather conditions and slipping hazards. And a clear reference to stockings indicates a house of multiple occupations where extreme care should be taken when selecting and using any second parties to conduct work. It is evident that no predetermined time has been established for the contractor to arrive, just a ‘hope’ that the signing in register would be completed is wholly inadequate.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads; And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

Children require a separate risk assessment with particular emphasis on their psychological health, night visitors may lead to distress and anxiety attacks. ‘Sugar plums’, synonymous with brown sugar, smack, crack, ice and ‘e’ indicate a prior knowledge of drug taking within the proximity of the workplace. Admission of sleeping on duty and admission of nocturnal antics requiring a cap and handkerchief introduces concern for both welfare and morality of the children.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter; I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. A foolhardy reaction such as this could easily have resulted in a secondary incident, less haste and more speed – (not the narcotic type of course) is the correct approach to the scene of an accident. The noise heard from behind closed and shuttered windows identifies sound levels that may have caused Noise Induced Hearing loss to those involved or near by so health checks may now be needed.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below, When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

It is no wonder that the crash took place with snow on the ground and ice under foot. There is no mention of competent banksman being deployed and the meteorological office should have been consulted before work began, with appropriate traffic route gritting. The reference to horse power provided by animals introduce the risks associated with zoonoses not to mention livestock disease transmission across the travel route of such a delivery contractor.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick. More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name; A speeding driver trying to gain control of his vehicle and staff raises the question of suitable and sufficient supervision of the operation and may be the a root cause of such and accident involving peripatetic and outdoor workers.

"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN! On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN! To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall! Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

Use of day contract foreign labour is increasing, particularly where no employment records are kept or hours are minimal and infrequent. Non-English speakers need to be informed of controls such as restricted access, rules regarding horseplay and they should be warned of significant risks such as falling from heights and this must be done in a way that they understand.

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly, When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky, So up to the house-top the coursers they flew, With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

A clear impression at the pace at which the work was being done emerges. The contractor should be given sufficient time to accomplish the task safely and preparation work should not be left until the last minute. It is clear that the overloaded vehicle was carrying unsecured cargo, which could fall, or at the very least cause the steering to become erratic.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof The prancing and pawing of each little hoof. As I drew in my hand, and was turning around, Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

Night work is notorious for discipline problems; add to this a cocktail or hazards from working at height and confined spaces with a real risk of fire or noxious fumes it is fortunate that the injuries were not more significant following such a fall. The contractor should have entered the premises by a safe route or demonstrated a safe alternative involving personal protective equipment if this was the only reasonable way in which to work.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot, And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot; A bundle of toys he had flung on his back, And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

Suitable and sufficient for one thing may not be so for another - clothing for out door work will certainly be a hindrance when climbing though a narrow aperture. Health hazards such as chimney soot warrant an assessment under the COSHH Regulations and manual handling techniques described like this indicate another key assessment has been missed.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! His dimples how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

Nasal colouration, and facial contortion with more evidence of white powder around the face provide irrefutable evidence of substance abuse.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath; He had a broad face and a little round belly, That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

Failing to police established rules, such as smoking restrictions is the beginning of a progressive decline in standards. Occupiers should be vigilant not to leave alcohol or other temptation in a visible place for those with a weakness to over indulge.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself; A wink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

In the season of goodwill, humour can quickly turn into verbal assault and the equalities etiquette are all too easily lost after only moderate consumption. The legacy of lust will last longer than the festivities so office party antics and amour should not be tolerated amongst staff or visitors.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk, And laying his finger aside of his nose, And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;

Visitor management and building security is the key to caring for both corporate assets and employee personal effects. High jinx and mischief around this time often results high cleaning bills so it is wise to prepare with a stock of appropriate materials.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, "HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"

Visitors and contractors need to be signed off and escorted off the premises in an orderly manner. Their work needs to be checked and they should not be allowed to just clear off calling to the wind. Documents should be kept for a suitable period of time after completion, not destroyed or given to the contractor, as their interpretation is likely to be for the lowest cost option and thus a risk of disappointment if goods do not match expectations. As well as the vehicle crash, slip and fall from height this incident resulted in serious physical and psychological trauma to at least one of the contractor’s employees. Facial injuries (serious damage to nose causing it to swell and show signs of internal contusion) were sustained before departure from the contractor’s depot. As no record was entered into the accident book at the correct time it would not be unusual for the event to be linked to the rooftop fracas thus adding to the potential claim list.

With those around us determined to forget all we have taught them with any excuse for revelry is it any wonder that the safety world can never take time off to enjoy the party?


('Twas the Night Before Christmas or Account of a Visit from St. Nicholas by Major Henry Livingston Jr. (1748-1828) (Previously believed to be by Clement Clarke Moore)

[Mike]

I think I have posted this before....But its worth another read......

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - w@#k though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John


Aye
Mike

[harry hackedoff]

Have a cool yule y`all
Number two in the rear rank goes POP when she bends over

[Rogue Chef]

Ahoy there!

I liked to be the first to wish all at MF a very Happy Easter!

[Jock Monahan]

I want to be the first to wish ME a Merry Christmas,
and Merry Christmas to all the MF staff who do a great job
and of course to all you readers out there.