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General discussions on joining & training in the Royal Marines.
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John_D
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#46 Post by John_D »

Paddy turns up for workone morning,
sits on a pile of bricks.and starts crying,
The boss ays "Hell Paddy what,s up"?
Paddy said " I had a phone call this morning
telling me my mother had died."
The boss said "Look Paddy,take the day off,
in fact take as long as you want off,go and
relax and rest."
Paddy said "No boss, I would rather stay at work,
I need to keep my mind off it,and the best place to
do it is here."
The Boss said "OK Paddy if thats the way you feel.
if you need anything let me know."
Just after dinner the boss spots Paddy heart broken
again,he rushes over to him and said "Paddy are you
going to be alright",
Paddy said "What a day boss,My brother has just phoned
and told me his mother has died as well".

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Four blokes playing golf,the first golfer says,"You have
no idea what I had to do to be able to come golfing,"
"I had to promise my wife I would paint all the outside
of the house".
The second golfer said,"Thats nothing'I had to promise
My wife I would paint all the rooms in the house."
the third golfer said"Man you both got off easy,I had to
Promise my wife I would remodel the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!!."
After a few holes they realised that the fourth golfer
had not said a word,So the asked him,"Don,t you have to
promise your wife anything?2
The fourth golfer said "I just set the alarm for 5-30am.
When it goes off I give the wife a dig and say Golf course,
or Intercourse?,and she says ,you had better wear your
sweater it might get cold."

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barrybudden
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#47 Post by barrybudden »

Paddy and Mick go into an RAF recruiting office for a job, Mick goes in first and comes out in a few minutes. "Sticking out Paddy I got a job as a pilot." Paddy is called in and sits down faceing the Sgt. "what did you do in civvie street Paddy?" "I cut turf" said Paddy. "We dont have any openings for turf cutters at the minute" said the recruitment Sgt. "Well you gave Mick a job" "but he was a pilot" "well said Paddy if I don't cut it Mick can't pilot.

Charlie
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Old Farts

#48 Post by Charlie »

Farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the
two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! you are washed up and I am taking
over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
three times around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive
domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so
just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse the second time and the young rooster has closed the gap. He
is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and
BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Darn.... third gay rooster
I bought this month."

Moral of this story... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery
will always overcome youth and skill!

John_D
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Jokes

#49 Post by John_D »

A man complained to his friend,"My elbow hurts,I,d better go to the
doctor."
"Don,t do that" said his friend, theres a new computer in the chemist
that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
all you have to do is put in a urine sample and deposit £5,then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan your treatement."
The man figured he had nothing to lose,so he took a sample to the
chemist finding the machine,he put in the sample,and deposited
the £5 .
The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off,
after a short pause a slip of paper came out on which was printed:
You have Tennis Elbow,soak your arm in warm water twice a day,
Avoid any heavy labour, your elbow will be better in two weeks.

that evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical
science,he began to suspect fraud.
to test this theory he mixed together some Tap water,stool sample
from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter, to
top it all off he masturbated into the jar,the took the concoction
down to the chemist,put in the sample and deposised the £5.

Once again the machine went through the same buzzing and flashing
routine,and when it was over out popped the printed message:

Your tap water has lead, = = = Get a fitter

Your dog has worms, = = = = Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is on drugs = = = Get her to rehab.

Your wife is pregnant,its not yours, = = = Get a lawyer

and if you don,t stop jerking off,your Tennis Elbow will never get better.

John_D
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Jokes

#50 Post by John_D »

A man was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo,
when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye,
as he rubbed his eyelid the gorilla went crazy,bent the bars and beat the crap out of the man.

When the man came to his senses,he reported the incident to the
zookeeper, nodding the zookeeper explained that pulling your eyelid
down means "screw you",in gorilla language. The explanation didn,t make the man feel any better,and he vowed revenge.

The next day he purchased two large knives,two party hats,two party horns,and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants,he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorillas cage where he opened his bag
of goodies, knowing that gorillas are natural mimics,he put on a party hat,
the gorilla looked at him reached through the bars grabbed a hat from the bag and put it on.

Next the man picked up a horn and blew into it, the gorilla picked up a horn and did the same.Then the man picked up a knife,whipped the sausage
out of his pants,and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked down at his
crotch,looked at the man,and then pulled his eyelid down.

Iain
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top survival tips

#51 Post by Iain »

1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver
than you are.

2. Friendly fire isn't

3. The most dangerous thing in a combat zone is a officer with a map.

4. The problem with taking the easy way out
is that it is already mined.

5. The buddy system is essential to your survival;
it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

6. The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will fall short.

7. Incoming fire has the right of way.

8. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.

9. The quartermaster only has two sizes; too large and too small.

10. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

11. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.

12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

13. There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a shot at you, and they miss.

14. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone it draws fire. Out of the combat zone it draws sergeants.

15. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

16. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.

17. All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map sheets...printed at different scales.

18. All battles are fought uphill.

19. All battles are fought in the rain.

20. If orders can be misunderstood, they will be.

21. Tracers work both ways.

22. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

23. Never reinforce failure, failure reinforces itself.

24. Tactics are for amateurs; professionals study logistics.

25. Your equipment was made by the lowest
bidder.

26. Always honour a threat.

27. The weight of all your equipment is proportional
to the time you have been carrying it.

28. There are two kinds of naval vessels:submarines and targets.

29. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

30. Parade ground inspections are to combat
readiness as mess hall food is to cuisine.

31. Five second grenade fuses burn down in
three seconds.

32. The effective radius of a hand grenade is always greater that the distance you can jump.

33. Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target.That round will be a dud.

34. Odd objects attract fire. You are odd.

35. There is no such thing as a convenient
foxhole.

36. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is
the main attack.

37. Radios work perfectly until you need fire support.

38. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.


39. When in doubt, empty the magazine.

40. If they're shooting at you, it's a high intensity conflict.

41. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.

42. A sucking chest wound is nature's way of saying you're too slow.

43. If it's stupid and works, then it's not stupid.

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Mutley
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Lol

#52 Post by Mutley »

Royal and Jack were having a drink at the bar and they were discussing their respective wives.

Jack says: "Well last week, my wife says she wanted a bit more romantic foreplay. 'Like what' says I. 'Italian like' She says. So I got a bottle of Italian extra virgin olive oil from the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!! and rubbed it all over her naked body for half an hour. She was so turned on she wriggled and moaned the whole 30 minutes.".


Then Royal pipes up: "Thats nothing, last night I got some good old English butter and rubbed it all over my missus and made her moan for 2 and a half hours".


"2 and half hours?" Says Jack in disbelief "Come on".


"Yes, straight up" said Royal "after I finished, I wiped my hands on the curtains and she went on and on about it for 2 and half hours". :lol:
Wein, weib und gesang

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Mike
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Joke

#53 Post by Mike »

One for the more nautical members:

Salty old Jack was taking his morning stroll along the beach when he spies a Mermaid on the beach. On getting to her he eyes her up for a while and then askes her.
"Miss mermaid (in a Janner acsent) he says, have you ever been kissed before", 8)
"No Mr Sailor" she replies, " Would you like to be kissed " he says
"Yes please " was the reply, so in he goes tong and all, having finished the mermaid commented how nice it was.
Some five minute later Salty Jack asked her if she had ever had her breasts played with, and of course the answer was no and that she would love to have them played with, once completed she said how nice it had felt. :lol:
Then ten minutes later, Salty old Jack asker her" Miss Mermaid, have you ever been fcuked"? to which she said no
" Well you have now" replied Jack, "The tides out"! :roll:
The Honourable Lord Mike of Loch Borralan
.........................Because I AM Worth IT..xxxx.......Never Mistake Motion for Action

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#54 Post by BullDog »

[img]http://www.civvie-street.co.uk/uk_flag.gif[/img] Proud to be British - Proud to have been a Royal Marine.[img]http://www.civvie-street.co.uk/uk_flag.gif[/img]
[url=http://www.cityroyal.co.uk]RMA City of London[/url]

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#55 Post by barrybudden »

Have a play here you may have to copy and paste this into your brouser

http://216.33.148.250/cgi-bin/linkrd?_l ... %2flove%2f

Chester
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Manchesters Olympic Bid 2004

#56 Post by Chester »

In an attempt to influence the members of the international Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the organizers of Manchester's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area), wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local 'Manchester' athletes.

100 METRE SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

100 METRE HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences walls etc.)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.) the winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON

Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding and arson.

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way round the course.

SWIMMING

Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. The first three survivors back, will decide the medals

MEN'S 50KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of
Manchester.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing and music by the Stockport Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine onto it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will be then boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.

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Yorkshire Lasses

#57 Post by El Prez »

Two girlies from Yerksheer were sinking their 8th pint when one asked the other if her twat twitched after sex. 'No' she replied, 'He just rolls over and goes to sleep!' :D
You should talk to somebody who gives a f**k.
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Those nice boys in Maroon

#58 Post by El Prez »

"Geranium" The terrifying battle cry of the Para Regt flower arranging display team. :P
You should talk to somebody who gives a f**k.
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#59 Post by Shoulderholster »

A bear walks into a pub,goes up to the barman and says
"I'd like a pint of.............................Boddingtons please"
Barman says
"Why the long paws?".

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Mike
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Heres the view from our side

#60 Post by Mike »

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from
the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about
you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good
with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse
to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or
some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying
anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have
to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that,
it's like camping.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape. :angel:
Aye
The Honourable Lord Mike of Loch Borralan
.........................Because I AM Worth IT..xxxx.......Never Mistake Motion for Action

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