The club is packed to capacity with the wealthy clientele of London`s clubland who have flocked here in their hundreds to see those two mega-stars of stage and screen. Non other than Hackedoff and Mutley.
In the darkened room the buzz of conversation slowly dies away as a figure in a double breasted black Evening Suite walks across the stage in the semi darkness. He acknowleges the waves from several theatrical Impressarios as, nonchalontly, he seats himself at the grand piano.
With baited breath, the audience wait. All sound in the dark auditorium ceases, as the dim house lights finaly fade to total darkness.
Then, a single spotlight pierces the inky blackness to reveal the torso of Sir Harry, himself. The epitome of upper-class elegance, resplendant in white Dinner Jacket with his now famous black silk handkerchief. From his inner pocket, he produces a cigarette and proceeds to fit it to a Noel Cowerd-like ivory holder. The crowd are ecstatic as Sir Harry lights up, turns to Mutley at the piano and, with a little puff exclaims,
"Hello, Mutley, old chum, how are you this evening?"
"Very well, Harry, And yourself?"
"Spiffing, dear boy. What a marvelous audience we have here tonight. And what an absolutely divine stage setting for us. Do you know, those curtains remind me of our first trip to the South China Sea. When was that Mutley?"
"I believe that was 1932, Sir Harry."
"Do you remember, Mutley, that last night in the Phillipines? You spent all night making love on the beach to a young Phillipino, as I recall you almost missed the ship"
"Yes, but I was so terribly terribly young. I was so impetuous, you know. But above all, I was in love"
"Ah yes, but what was his name. D`you remember?"
"Er, no. There have been so many,. Shall we start?"
Mutley begins an introduction on the piano that the audience recognise at once.
Sir Harry, with an arrogant ease, wanders over to the microphone. His dark hair gleaming under the spotlight, he takes a final drag at the ivory cigarette holder before casually placing it on the side of the piano. Softly, he begins,
"A trace of lippstick on an old French Letter,
A dose of clap that just won`t get no better
Oh, how that part of me stings,
These foolish things remind me of you.
You left a big job in my Late-Night Final,
Your girlish laughter in the Gents Urinal,
I caught the crabs with wings,
These foolish things remind me of you.
You said you won`t do that "`cause it might choke yer"
I said you smelled just like a three-badge stoker,
My latest genital wart
And things that I`ve caught, remind me of you.
That night you sneacked me into your new quarters,
Chief Wren said she`d put us both on "Orders"
I had to give her one, and now she`s a son,
Reminds me of you"
Ah, those far off days when we had an empire and the Raj.
Choice is,
1Singers
2Honkers
3K.L.
Given that times have changed, where is the best place for a couple of days stopover on the journey to Oz?
With no appologies to Cole Porter,
Aye, Harry
'Harry' Old chum,It must have been you playing the piano in the Raffles Hotel, got me-self chucked out when I started to sing we're a shower of B******s,had to cross the road to the Brit Club more refined class of 'Bootneck' used that club.Aye jr 
Had to lower the tone of the conversation didn't I.
