'Bootneck Humour'

[JR]

Delving back into the past again,this time aboard on of H.M.Ships of war a Colony class cruiser Med Fleet circa 1950s,Morning Colours in Harbour required Guard and Band,the RM Guard would form up in the port waist prior to inspection by the sergeant of the Guard The sergeant who went by the illustrious nick-name of The 'Mekon' taken from the comics of the day 'Dan Dare' the 'Mekon's' greatest delight was to stop in front of each man of the guard, scrutinise intently and reach for the clothes brushes which were always kept on the fan trunking above each member of the guard,the sergeant would grunt and side step to the next Marine and lo and behold reached for the clothes brush but some B*****d had replaced it with a Mouse trap?SNAP!,the guard went into fits of laughter,the good sergeant never faulted just side-steped to the next Marine and with a growl said your turn to reach for the brush.

[Sisyphus]

Another gem for that book I'm going to write one day!

[Artist]

JR

One fine day in Istanbul yours truely had the job of lowering the Jack on Fearless. I was "under the weather" Full Lovats etc, etc, Long story short dropped the kin flag into the Oggin. (Turkish Boat rushed up and saved it)

CYS Had a fit! "Thats it Evans you are now off the Privledged leave list!"

"Any chance of the ban starting in GIB Chief?" (I had a chance of a bonk, and was very very under the weather)

"Coff, Coff! no!" was the reply. (CYS was taken ill that night with a buggered up apendix. Casevaked to RNH Mtarfa, Malta)

Met the lady the next day! (she was dead nice)

Artist

[Andy O'Pray]

I have probably told this one before, but I don't care.

The QMS of S coy, 45 cdo, who just so happened to have been a first drill. He decides that he would inspect the anti tank troop, who were dressed in KD's and white gear.

On positioning himself in front of one marine and noting the grease covered beret. The QMS asks, "Is that your only beret?"

To which the marine replied, "Oh no sergeant major, I have another one much f@#$ing worse than this.

Aye - Andy.

PS: Don't tell them who the first drill was JR.

[JR]

Apologies to all the 'Sin Bo'sns' on the forum??

It was one of those years when the ITC as it was then decided that a church parade would be held in Exeter,of course everbody was chuffed to hell!,march down to 'Woodbury Rd Station special train to Exeter Central,then march to the Church,Royal seated at the back taking bets on what Hymn would be out first usually No 18 in the Royal Naval hymn card,(Eternal Father),down the aisle comes the Bloke swinging the incence burner,a comment from one of the 'Bootnecks' at the back.'Bloody Hell' his handbags on fire.Aye JR

[owdun]

There were two of us in my squad under the age of 18 at Deal, which meant we had to attend church parade every Sunday. We would get dressed in our finery, white gear etc, and 38 bastards would cheer us all the way down tho the main parade, no wonder I aint partial to Vicars.


Aye Owdun.

[Sticky Blue]

Lads, esspecially JR, take a make and mend on Monday... by ribs hurt and wifey thinks I may have done meself a mischief. I've got tears running down my thighs you b'stards

[JR]

Once again back into the days when Lympstone was the ITC, It had been decided that the football pitch was in need of repair in certain grassy area's and a special turf would be required, the turf needed was found to be at a specialist centre just the other side of Bristol,a 3ton vehicle and driver was despached to collect the turf, this was before the days of the Exeter Bristol Motorway the route taken was the old A38,driver arrives at the Turf centre loads up and decides like all good drivers to take his time returning to the ITC, late in the evening he decides to make his way back along the A38,now at that time the Devon Police used to put a road block at a village called Wellington stoping all vehicles and checking loads and drivers.Our Hero Mne ***** stops at the check point and the copper asks what ya got in the back,Royal remarks to the Constable, a football pitch! ,Out said the copper lets have a look,Royal lifts the back canvas sheet and there in the back neatly stacked was roll upon roll of turfs,Bloody hell said the plod what ya doing with that lot,Oh said Royal we're playing away this week!.Aye JR (and you can tell that to the Marines)

[Andy O'Pray]

Another driver story. This one took place on a live firing exercise up north, to which rotary made mention to in a post many months ago.

On the way back down south, vehicles started peeling off in all direction. We went to visit our driver's mum in the outskirts of Birmingham for tea and stickies.

On return to base we learned that one of our support troop drivers had got a ticket. He was hammering down the road with his land rover and trailer, trailer swinging from side to side. He was pulled in by the police.

The officer approaches the driver and says. "Okay Royal where's the war?"

Our quick thinking driver. "Oh officer I was looking for a shithouse."

As cop pulls his notebook from his top pocket. "Well son you have just found one."

Aye - Andy.

[JR]

Amphibious exercise off Eastney beach 1953 went by the name of 'exercise runaground' landing craft all formed up and carrying 'pongos' ready to hit the beach,Cox'n shouts out kedge stand by to beach,down ramp,young pongo 2nd Lt asks the cox'n how deep is it cox'n,cox'n replies 2ft sir,young sir shouts follow me men! and immediatly disappears under the 'Oggin',young sir comes to the surface cox'n salutes and remarks 2ft over ya head sir.Aye JR

[Artist]

Whilst on Fearless (again)

We were tied up for 6 hours in Gib. No shore leave for the comms dept or the Sqn. One Marine P-----n was doing his stint in HQ1 so he goes ahore.

He comes back on board Pi**ed as handcarts! Duty officer has him locked up. As he was sigs his fellow signallers had to mount a guard as he was totally out of it. One "nice" Marine (Hi there Spud) writes down in the incident book everything that Mne P-----n does and says with added little tit bits just to make the day more intresting. i.e. "prisoner threatened to kill all Officers who displeased him" "Prisoner became violent and attacked the door" (the prisoner was in fact zonked out the whole time)

When it was my turn to guard the prisoner I read the the book and had tears running down my cheeks. P-----n by this time was able to talk in nearly intelligent phrases, so I start to read the incident book to him. He was not a happy Hector and didnt like the fact that I found it so funny.

"Get me a request chit you Bas*ard!" he yelled. So, I did.

Hand over the chit with a pen he sits their mumbleing and grumbling to himself. "How the F*ck do you spell voluntary?" I said "I don't know Tony, How would you spell it?" At this he launched himself at the door treatening to rip my head off and sh*t in me lungs! So I wrote down "The prisoner threatened me with violence for no apparent reason! More grumbleing then the cry of "FU*K YOU!" FU*K THE LOT OF YOU! FU*K THE CORP! FU*K THE WHOLE FU*KING WORLD!!!! He then proceeded to sulk bigtime!
"Want a mug of tea Tony?"
"FU*K OFF YOU BAS*ARD!"
"Want a stick of gum Tony?"
"I'M GONNA FUC*ING KILL YOU AND SPUD! I FU*KING MEAN IT YOU PAIR OF CU*TS!" (Prisoner kept threating me and other members of the sigs Troop, etc, etc,) It was fun!

They let him out after 12 hours. The next day he was on Captains table and the incident book was read by all. Why do Naval Officers take things so seriously? Banned from going ashore for one month and daily Beer ration stopped for one month, also a right hefty fine!

O boy we kept well away from him for quite a while. To this day whenever I meet him and mention that incident he just scowls and gives me the evileye! But it was fun! really really fun!

Artist

[Sticky Blue]

Stop it now... I'm running out of clean pants! These must be some of the funniest dits I have read. Artist you basket, fancy being a conspirator to stitch your oppo up like a smoked kipper in a tin that has been reinforced... Good effort!

[Artist]

Sticky

The P-----n stitched me up in Sunderland bigtime. Told me all about this girls 21ist bithday party we had all been invited to. (I was on on duty so wouldnt be able to go with the lads, so he gave me the address)

"Just take a bottle with you, knock on the door and your in!"

It was an old folks home! The lads were hiding round the corner. I got neat sh*t for days/months after!

Artist

[JR]

As part of the LCM crew (Engine Room) The Cox'n was a Cpl Daisly mad as an hatter,we were detailed to take the LCM to Thornecrotft yard Southamton for an engine change,The good cpl decided to go accross stokes bay and near the the ranges rather the skirt the area The cox'n had only one speed full ahead on both engines,this of course did not do the engines much good at full power for long periods,the engines started to overheat and the salt water cooling system was boiling and in that situation the best thing to do was climb out of the engine room and go to the stern to check the water outlet ports,Looking over the stern the bloody craft suddenly hit a wave and over the side I went and by the time I surface the craft was well on Its way, off sea rig plimsols,rollneck pulley and pants and struck out for Browndown beach which was only a couple of hundred yards away could hear firing in the distance obvious a range course in progress,I crawled up the beach only to be confronted by the Range Officer who the bloody hell are you he remarked, i gave him all the details of what happened and was transported back to Eastney only to be placed on a charge,for not wearing life belt.The Cpl Cox'n meanwhile had reached the Marina at Thornycrofts and nor realising he had no stoker rang down for slow ahead to edge his way past all the luxury craft moored and lo and behold no responce to his signals and by the time he had hit a few of the luxury craft realised something was wrong he had to get below pretty fast to switch off bothe engine The Good Cpl got away with it,I got 7 days confined to barracks and spent 7 days has duty boats crew,It all boils down to never go to sea with a bloody unstable JNCO.Aye JR

[Andy O'Pray]

During one of our tours up Dhala, we had a certain Sergeant Major who did not quite have a grasp on reality and a certain Marine, who we shall call Smith.

Every day Smith would stand in front of the company notice board and say in a loud voice, "Oh shit not f@#$ing again."

The Sergeant Major's voice would call out from inside the company tent. "What's the matter Smith?".

Smith. "You have me on duty again Sergeant Major."

Sergeant Major. "Leave it with me Smith."

I don't think that Smith did one single duty during his whole four month tour.

This was the same Sergeant Major, while my guys were in the back of the three tonners with the mortars ready for crash action, ordered them to load the mortars, but don't fire them. An order that I immediately countermanded.

Aye - Andy.