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Someone amuse me, PLEASE!
Posted: Thu 11 May, 2006 11:23 am
by Scottish Thistle
Howdy everyone!
I'm sat here bored, still not given birth, in danger of being harpooned if I stay in the one place for too long and mighty p'd off.
Anyone got anything to make me smile or even better laugh myself into labour?
Posted: Thu 11 May, 2006 12:36 pm
by Artist
Try emulating that Eijut David Blain ST.
Eat sixteen tins of Pork Saugages n Beans helped down with 10 litres of Iron Bru. Wait four hours and then imerse yourself in oggin, take deep breaths before you go under and then hold you breath for nine minutes. The resulting Fart should register on the Ricter Scale and the baby should pop out like a cork from a champagne bottle. So make damn sure you have Skiffle behind you ready to catch the little bugger.
BruuuuuumphHHHHHHH! Hic! POP! WACK! WAHHHHH!
Piece of piss!!!
Artist
Posted: Thu 11 May, 2006 1:01 pm
by JoJo82
Sex, apparently is a good help with giving birth, however, it was the reason to why your carrying a rugrat.
Curry too! Mind you, it may give you the sh*ts, just watch out you don't actually 'drop the kids off at the pool'.
Failing that, just read Doc's recent KIND replies, may give you a giggle or can be used as a form of shock treatment!
Posted: Thu 11 May, 2006 2:46 pm
by Scottish Thistle
Sex, pineapple, curries, walking - I'm trying them all (some with varying degrees of difficulty
).
I think I may have to go down the Artist road of induction. I'll have Skiff organise the webcam footage
Posted: Thu 11 May, 2006 3:41 pm
by flo
how long until baby skiffs is due. Have to say i discovered which why your condom didnt work
and this is what happened...................
ANYTHING YET..............NO TWINGES 
Posted: Thu 11 May, 2006 3:44 pm
by JoJo82
Just think of the summer, bikini time! You will be dragging the rugrat out before no time
Posted: Thu 11 May, 2006 3:48 pm
by Scottish Thistle
Posted: Thu 11 May, 2006 3:53 pm
by flo
Dont even attempt castor oil, all it will do is give you a severe dose of the trots, our jed can vouch for that (long story
)
Dont worry mate just relax and enjoy the next 5 days because after that it all goes down hill, dirty nappies, crying (and that includes skiffle) lack of sleep
Make sure him indoors does his share and if anyone offers to help ACCEPT IT
Take it easy mate and keep us informed.
Posted: Thu 11 May, 2006 4:13 pm
by harry hackedoff
Jesus, I was going to rip into you Heather, till I realised you said "amuse" and not "abuse"
Mind you, you might want to tell Skiff to abuse himself instead,
next time
Good look with the ween, Hen
Posted: Thu 11 May, 2006 5:45 pm
by got1
[
[
5 (very long )days and counting, Flo. I think I've had him drive me over every bumpy road there is going. Back road to Largs tonight methinks
[/quote]
Going back to place of conception me thinks.
Posted: Thu 11 May, 2006 7:30 pm
by Mike
Wots wrong with castor oil...... Her ladyship and I used to put it on the door knob once we'd run out of Vaseline..... Hackedoft you got it wrong before you utter a word... It was on the door knob to stop the kids entering the bedroom on a Sunday morning
Take care Heather and like its been said before make sure that skiff gives you a helping hand...... With looking after Baby Skiff
Aye
Mike
Posted: Thu 11 May, 2006 7:51 pm
by flo
Heather hope you dont mind but ive put up a size guess board.
The Arrival
Posted: Thu 11 May, 2006 9:16 pm
by angie
Ah up Heather
Look at it this way it will be here before christmas. And you know how quick that comes around don't you?
:smilecolros:
Posted: Thu 11 May, 2006 11:32 pm
by Tab
Well there could always be a sweep stake on when it happens and how much it weighs
Posted: Thu 11 May, 2006 11:45 pm
by Frank S.
Research identified these as the tops jokes from each of the following countries:
Germany
Why is Television called a medium?
Because it is neither rare or well done.
France
You're a high priced lawyer! If I give you 500 dollars, will you answer two questions for me?
Absolutely! what's the second question.
Belgium
There are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't.
Sweden
A Guy phones a Hospital and yells: "You've gotta help! My wife's in labour!"
The nurse says: "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He replies: "No! This is her husband!"
Canada
What do you call s woman who can balance four pints of beer on her head?
Beatrix