'Bootneck Humour'

[JR]

Chatham barracks 1948?,Friday afternoon was a drill period for the WRNS,and woe betide any Bootneck caught glimping out of the Barrack room windows he would immediately seized upon by the provost staff marched down to the Parade ground where the Drill Instructor would proceed to B*llock him and then place him in the centre rank of the WRNS squad,it took the DI a few weeks to realise that every Friday it was the same Marine,Its about the only time I ever enjoyed Drill. .Aye JR

[JR]

During 45 Commandos Mediterranean tours 53/54 they had somehow managed to purloin a Donkey off some poor Arab (But I think they nicked it) the donkey was given the name of Ernest and the rank of sub Lt, hence 'Sub/Lt Ernest' on the Commandos return to Malta Ernest being of the tranportation type was stabled with the Motor Transport.Xmas eve when the Padre (sin Bos'un) approached the duty Transport NCO and asked for transport to go to Valleta,The duty NCO. sorry Padre no Transport available,Padre, but I must get to Valleta,NCO no can do,please Royal anything will do,I'll tell you what Vicar take Sub/Lt Ernest,You must be joking said the 'Sin Bos'un',No I'm serious said the duty NCO if Jesus rode to Jerusalem on a donkey I'm bloody sure you can ride to Valleta on one. Aye JR

[Artist]

One Norge trip CDOLOG was based at this camp near Trondhiem. Cannot remember it's name. I was detached to a little camp a couple of clicks from Hell. Name of Lanke or summut like that.

Anyway the CO had "found God" and insisted that the whole unit would attend a Church service in one of the very low warehouses based on the camp. (I wasnt their worst luck. so the following is what other people told me)

An eager beaver with a pallet was placed at the front for the Padre to stand on when giving his speech ref God. The Padre was a Church of Ireland sin bosun. (very strong NI accent)

At a given signal the eager beaver driver was to raise the Padre up a couple of feet so everybody could see him whilst giving his sermon.

The Hymns were sung, a couple of Amens were said and then the Padre got onto the pallet and gave the signal for the driver to raise him. Up he went, and up, and up the higher he got the lower he crouched. Still going up the Padre was heard to shout "Jasas! For Christ sake will you fuc*ing stop!" Needless to say no more church services were held using this method!

The CO was bollocked for overstepping the mark later. But "Paddy" the Padre was looked at in a totally different light after this little incident. If he ever went into the bars someone was bound to murmour "Brummmmmm!" or "heave ho and up he rises" Paddy was a good un mind and took it on the chin.

Artist

[Artist]

This glorious day I was on the canal. (rain stopped work) 1806hrs (added LATER)

Sat in a Pub called "The Shady Oak" when a Hoo Ray Henry and friends walked in. Got talking to one of these smashing human beings.

"You look like a service man" a Hoo Ray said to me.

"Yes was in the Marines" was the reply. (he bought me a pint)

Long story short am still at the pub. A Hoo Ray has a mobile putor with him. (it is dead posh)

Logged on and am now well away! Have had 6 pints of beer paid for by the "chaps" (they have left the bar and gone for food and a dhobi on there boat)

One rated himself as a fast beer drinker, "OK" sez I "I'll race yer" Have not bought a pint in three hours! Have made £50 so far! Will let you know the outcome tomorrow! (free beer! Yee! Ha!) They are members of the Guards. One is called Rubert!!!!!!!! I'm saving a ton.

I just love commisioned officers!

My Mummy warned me all about this sort of thing.

Appendum to last.

Time 2036hrs Back home. Am AS A HANDCART! would be Weeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! They paid for the TAXI. Nice chaps, Rubert!!! that was one of there names I kid you not! I do not believe anyone is called Rubert! (save for the bear)

Artist

[JR]

Former Bootneck Humour.

Serving at H.M.P Dartmoor during the 70s, a fair proportion of the Prison Officers were ex 'Booties' including one ex Bugler who shall remain nameless,'Sticks' was one of the staff who lived off the Moor and travelled to Princetown on his early shift by motor cycle from Plymouth,and his greatest delight on approaching Yelverton round-about was to whizz round two or three times Playing reveille at a very early hour, throttle open and whizz off towards Princetown,numerous complaints were made to the local constabulary who decided to lay a trap and place a cop car hidden away clear of the round-about lo and behold 'sticks' did his usual morning wake up call and was imediatly pounced upon by the local Gendarmes one of which happened to be an ex 'Bootie' who informed 'Sticks' that if he did'nt wrap it in his bugle would be confiscated,and so 'sticks'was sent on his way rejoicing.Here endeth the saga of the phantom Bugler.Aye JR

[mervyn(ianto)jones]

1963 at Burma Camp,Unit parade has just been completed,RSM comes off the parade ground fuming about the duty bugler who had blown a few bum notes,RSM instructs duty signaller to find so called bugler ,young bugler enters RSM,s office and commences to get one hell of a bollocking,RSM then says "What have you got to say for yourself" whereupon the bugler replies "Sir what do you expect for the pay I get , EDDIE CALVERT (famous trumpet player for you young ones) RSM screams at him to leave the office,afterwards RSM has smile on his face and stated"The cheeky little bastard".

[Black Rat]

Ascension Island, last trip before leaving. Big joint staff exercise with tons of top brass!

Theres little old me in me 9X9 cp. Nite duty with a 25 watt bulb glowing. Along comes plenty of brass, passess inspected, enter, all's well.

One, a pongo major starts talking to me and admires me bulb. Seems he is big into 'moths' which me bulb is attracting.

Can I collect some for him?
He is doing a collection of south atlantic moths for the british museum (I kid you not!!).

He leaves me with some specimen jars(!).

He returns the next morning with his entourage. Have I got any?

Yup, sure.

Can he see them?

Off course.........................so 'Royal' shows him the 'moths' he has 'collected' overnight with a rolled up globe and buster!

A booty Capt nearly pis*ses himself and off storms the major.

Ahhhhh well!

[Artist]

Bloody good job he was'nt into seagulls!

Imagine the scene, Black Rat with a blood soaked G&L in his blood soaked little hand, Beaming at said Army Officer and saying: "I got 10 of em for you sir!"

RSPB would have a fit.

Once on Salisbury plain there was this giant chicken farm with all the chickens out and about. A certain Sigs CPL discovered that if you fed a chicken with cooked bacon rind it came out the other end dead fast.

Said demonic CPL ties a bit of bacon rind to a roll of fishing line and proceeds to feed the chickens the same piece of rind. After a while had a couple of dozen with fishing line going through there guts. He then tied the two ends together! The nasty horrid person! It was'nt me before you ask.

Artist

[Andy O'Pray]

The RSM and I were walking through the camp at Condor when the RSM saw a marine walking across the grass. The RSM yells out, "That man, stop walking across the grass". Said marine stops and looks at us, raises one leg and proceeds to hop the rest of the way.

The RSM and I looked at each other, then burst out laughing. You gotta luv em.

Aye - Andy.

[Artist]

Seems logical to me! Why laugh?

Artist

[JR]

Way back into the mists of time when big ships had marine detachments and Gunnery Rates, and the Sgt GI was God and the son of God was a 2 badge Marine QA (Quarters Armourer) who greatest delight was to brew his own, hit onto the idea of fermenting a brew to top all brews,obtaining one large marrow scooping out the inside and filling it with demerara sugar replace top and seal stow away in Y 6inch turret check regulary,the faitfull day arrived Sgt GI whose nick name was 'Babs' (St Barbara being the Patron Saint of Gunners) decided to do his rounds of Royals action stations entering Y turret to find his beloved guns and bulkheads covered with what would appear to be Brown Messy Goo,the son of God appeared from between the Guns covered in the same messy goo,the bloody marrow had exploded the gunnery Sgt exploded into a fit.The moral of the story is always make sure you pierce the Marrow and allow to drain into a tray.Aye JR

[owdun]

Butcher on the Phoebe had one of his stoker mates rig up a sleeve to fit in one of the scuppers. Any gash spirit was always tipped into said scupper,always under the watchful eye of the duty pig, to be retrieved at leisure during the dogs. Much fun and games for the few in the know,well done steaks and a slug of Jamaica's finest. Real Marines.


Aye Owdun.

[JR]

Another good dodge,Keyboard Sentry (Royal) during the middle watch unlock the Rum Barrico Pour in boiling hot water swill around leave for a couple of minutes then decant into mug very nice during the middle,Royal was and still is a very versatile Person.Aye JR

[JR]

Who was the ancient 3 badge Marine (no not me) who whilst serving on board on of Her Majestys war canoes decided to paint the bog seats in the Officers heads black not only that but during the time when the ship was open to visitors,the Officers Ladies did not like the Idea of the Black Bottom?,that same old Marine is forever with us,his epitaph lies in the grounds of the Corps Museum sleep well old friend.Aye JR

[barrybudden]

Not a bootneck story but quite funny. A mate of mine was full time UDR and his troop officer was going for selection and decided it would be a good idea to take the lads on a survival exercise to an island on lough Ern in Fermanagh. Whitie told me they had lectures on bulding shelters, catching rabbits etc etc. When they got there they gave them a tray of eggs and said they would be back in 2 weeks. There was nothing on the island only grass and a buck goat they couldnt catch. Whitie said he was eating grass after about 5 days, they eventually managed to catch the goat and were standing about discussing how they were going to dispatch him when Whitie pulled out his big 38 and shot it in the head....

Whitie is the best of a fella but as mad as a goose. He told me he has had about 7 attempts on his life.