Any one hear about the Queer that said NO?
Artist
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a little joke
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themattmeister
- Member
- Posts: 759
- Joined: Mon 21 Mar, 2005 11:19 am
- Location: Bristol, U.K
A man discovers his wife is having an affair so decides the best thing to do is 'pop her off'.
He hires a hitman by the name of Artie and gives him a photo of his wife and a time and place: Thursday, 14:30 at ASDA.
Artie's price was £10,000 and he told the man he needed a deposit up-front. The man was skint but offered Artie everything he had in his pocket, which turned out to be just £1. He assured Artie that he could get the rest as soon as the 'job' was done. Artie agreed.
Thursday came and Artie went to Asda carrying the photo. He searched every aisle until he found her. She was looking at flippers in the watersports section. Any kind of firearm would alert the security guards so he decided to go for a silent kill and strangle her. Artie waited till the coast was clear, then he crept up behind her, threw a yacht sail over her and started to choke her. Just as she collapsed a member of staff came round the corner and saw what Artie had done. Thinking quickly, Artie grabbed the shop assistant, dragged him under the same yacht sail and strangled him too. Job done. No witnesses.
Unfortunately for Artie the whole thing was captured on CCTV cameras and the police were waiting for him outside, where he was arrested for two counts of murder.The press were quick to get hold of such a rare case and the newspaper headlines the next day read:
ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND IN HUGE SAIL AT ASDA
He hires a hitman by the name of Artie and gives him a photo of his wife and a time and place: Thursday, 14:30 at ASDA.
Artie's price was £10,000 and he told the man he needed a deposit up-front. The man was skint but offered Artie everything he had in his pocket, which turned out to be just £1. He assured Artie that he could get the rest as soon as the 'job' was done. Artie agreed.
Thursday came and Artie went to Asda carrying the photo. He searched every aisle until he found her. She was looking at flippers in the watersports section. Any kind of firearm would alert the security guards so he decided to go for a silent kill and strangle her. Artie waited till the coast was clear, then he crept up behind her, threw a yacht sail over her and started to choke her. Just as she collapsed a member of staff came round the corner and saw what Artie had done. Thinking quickly, Artie grabbed the shop assistant, dragged him under the same yacht sail and strangled him too. Job done. No witnesses.
Unfortunately for Artie the whole thing was captured on CCTV cameras and the police were waiting for him outside, where he was arrested for two counts of murder.The press were quick to get hold of such a rare case and the newspaper headlines the next day read:
ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND IN HUGE SAIL AT ASDA
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Artist
- Guest
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Sweeny T
- Member
- Posts: 49
- Joined: Thu 04 Aug, 2005 11:17 pm
- Location: Over the hills and far away...
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
> >
> > "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
> >
> > "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's re-live some old times."
> >
> > Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
> >
> > "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
> > nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
> >
> > "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
> > the other is in your oatmeal."
> >
> > "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
> >
> > "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's re-live some old times."
> >
> > Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
> >
> > "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
> > nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
> >
> > "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
> > the other is in your oatmeal."
Please be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher alert levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire, which destroyed France's only white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military.
It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, the Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher
levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find somewhere else in the Middle East ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the world" and "ask the British for help".
Finally here in GB we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are "remain resolutely cheerful" and "win".
It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, the Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher
levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find somewhere else in the Middle East ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the world" and "ask the British for help".
Finally here in GB we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are "remain resolutely cheerful" and "win".
A woman meets a bloke in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes ....
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
To which the guy replies:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
To which the guy replies:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
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Guest
- Guest
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its
dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering
relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impact environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a
consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the
chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards
the creation of a total business integration solution. (Andersen
Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
A: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its
dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering
relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impact environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a
consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the
chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards
the creation of a total business integration solution. (Andersen
Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
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Artist
- Guest
Ah I couldnt even be bothered to read all of that chicken malarky... I think you should PM Artist with a few more though, he seemed to like it...
Jeese, you have 200 and something posts...You would think there would be a sensible or interesting one in there somewhere!
What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
..
...
....
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......Half A Dog!!
Jeese, you have 200 and something posts...You would think there would be a sensible or interesting one in there somewhere!
What has two legs and bleeds a lot?
..
...
....
.....
......Half A Dog!!
