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Jason The Argonaut
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- Joined: Sat 24 May, 2003 1:46 pm
- Location: London, England
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Smiler.wales
- Member
- Posts: 100
- Joined: Tue 13 May, 2003 11:54 am
- Location: Newport S Wales
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Smiler.wales
- Member
- Posts: 100
- Joined: Tue 13 May, 2003 11:54 am
- Location: Newport S Wales
why dont you take the piss out a dyslexic dwarf?
Because its not big and its not clever
How do you make a baby drink?
put one in a blender
A lion goes into a bar and says can i have a...................................................................................................................................beer and the bar says why the big paws.
Because its not big and its not clever
How do you make a baby drink?
put one in a blender
A lion goes into a bar and says can i have a...................................................................................................................................beer and the bar says why the big paws.
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Langarotti
- Member
- Posts: 117
- Joined: Wed 24 Sep, 2003 8:53 pm
- Location: Isle of Wight
A ventriloquist is doing a show at Butlins.
He is half way through his set and the crowd is responding well, so he starts telling some Irish jokes.
After a couple an Irishman in the crowd stands and said "can you please stop making fun, as o'im Irish and therefore getting offended'
Ventriloquist stops and says 'oh, I'm very sorry"
Irishman replies "O'im not talking to you!, O'im talking to that little fella on yer knee!".
He is half way through his set and the crowd is responding well, so he starts telling some Irish jokes.
After a couple an Irishman in the crowd stands and said "can you please stop making fun, as o'im Irish and therefore getting offended'
Ventriloquist stops and says 'oh, I'm very sorry"
Irishman replies "O'im not talking to you!, O'im talking to that little fella on yer knee!".
Pitch, pitch, Goddamn your soul
The more you pitch the less you'll roll
Or roll, roll, you sonofabitch
The more you roll the less you'll pitch.
The more you pitch the less you'll roll
Or roll, roll, you sonofabitch
The more you roll the less you'll pitch.
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old scaly back
- Member
- Posts: 349
- Joined: Tue 07 Oct, 2003 10:50 am
- Location: Birmingham
Little David arrives home from school and his mom asked him what lessons he had done.
The boy says "sex education,we talked about a man and women having sex".
His mom shouts "thats disgusting go to your room and stay there untill your father gets home".
The father arrives home where the mom tells him about little david and his lesson.
The father goes upstairs to the boys room.
Just before he goes in he heres grunting coming from the room.
So he slowly opens the bedroom door and there is young David having a w--k.
The father closes the door and goes downstairs.
The mom asks the father if he saw little David.
The father replies "yes he's doing his homework".
The boy says "sex education,we talked about a man and women having sex".
His mom shouts "thats disgusting go to your room and stay there untill your father gets home".
The father arrives home where the mom tells him about little david and his lesson.
The father goes upstairs to the boys room.
Just before he goes in he heres grunting coming from the room.
So he slowly opens the bedroom door and there is young David having a w--k.
The father closes the door and goes downstairs.
The mom asks the father if he saw little David.
The father replies "yes he's doing his homework".
I used to be in the SASS (Saturday and Sunday Soldier)
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Jason The Argonaut
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- Joined: Sat 24 May, 2003 1:46 pm
- Location: London, England
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One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
I fight for my corner and secondly I leave when the pub closes. - Winston Churchill [img]http://www.world-of-smilies.de/html/images/smilies/teufel/smilie_vampire.gif[/img]
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Jason The Argonaut
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- Joined: Sat 24 May, 2003 1:46 pm
- Location: London, England
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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, pubs and other party-goers to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is being used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, and large containers known as "kegs".
Beer is used by female sexual predators to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Most men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sex acts with horrific looking women to whom they would never otherwise be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, but with a vague feeling that something bad has occurred.
Other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a follow-up scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that, in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS WARNING TO EVERY MALE THAT YOU KNOW. If you or someone you know have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in many towns where details of shocking encounters may be discussed in an open, frank, supportive manner with similarly affected men.
For the support group nearest you, refer to the "Golf Courses" Section in your local yellow pages.
A date rape drug on the market called "beer" is being used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, and large containers known as "kegs".
Beer is used by female sexual predators to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Most men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sex acts with horrific looking women to whom they would never otherwise be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, but with a vague feeling that something bad has occurred.
Other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a follow-up scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that, in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS WARNING TO EVERY MALE THAT YOU KNOW. If you or someone you know have fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in many towns where details of shocking encounters may be discussed in an open, frank, supportive manner with similarly affected men.
For the support group nearest you, refer to the "Golf Courses" Section in your local yellow pages.
I fight for my corner and secondly I leave when the pub closes. - Winston Churchill [img]http://www.world-of-smilies.de/html/images/smilies/teufel/smilie_vampire.gif[/img]
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Artist
- Guest
A true story told to me by a copper a few years ago.
A young woman was walking along when she saw this bloke in a car making what she thought were funny faces at her.
On approaching the vehicle she realised that he had no trousers or underwear on and was in fact "Playing with himself"
She rushed of and contacted the police who duly arrived at said location but by then the bloke had gone.
The policeman asked her "Did he have an erection?"
The reply was "No I think it was a Cortina"
Artist
A young woman was walking along when she saw this bloke in a car making what she thought were funny faces at her.
On approaching the vehicle she realised that he had no trousers or underwear on and was in fact "Playing with himself"
She rushed of and contacted the police who duly arrived at said location but by then the bloke had gone.
The policeman asked her "Did he have an erection?"
The reply was "No I think it was a Cortina"
Artist
In one of the review papers yesturday (G2 or Telegraph Review):
Phone calls to doctors in the small hours:
'Ive pricked myself shaving, can you come round?'
'Im pregnant and a guinea pigs peed on my leg. Am I in danger?'
'Ive lost my walking stick. Can you bring me a new one or send an ambulance?'
One that I heard aged ago:
'My waters broke, can you come and mop it up?'
Phone calls to doctors in the small hours:
'Ive pricked myself shaving, can you come round?'
'Im pregnant and a guinea pigs peed on my leg. Am I in danger?'
'Ive lost my walking stick. Can you bring me a new one or send an ambulance?'
One that I heard aged ago:
'My waters broke, can you come and mop it up?'
The Best Is Yet To Come
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.
He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!! for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law"
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper.
He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the I'M A SCAMMER SPAMMER!!! for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law"
Wully
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Langarotti
- Member
- Posts: 117
- Joined: Wed 24 Sep, 2003 8:53 pm
- Location: Isle of Wight
Two young lads have just joined the army, one is jewish the other one irish.
They have just fininshed a tough session on the parade ground and are huffing and puffing, the jewish lad says to the irishman ' I hate doublin paddy'
The irish man replies 'O'im not to keen on Tel Aviv; either'
They have just fininshed a tough session on the parade ground and are huffing and puffing, the jewish lad says to the irishman ' I hate doublin paddy'
The irish man replies 'O'im not to keen on Tel Aviv; either'
Pitch, pitch, Goddamn your soul
The more you pitch the less you'll roll
Or roll, roll, you sonofabitch
The more you roll the less you'll pitch.
The more you pitch the less you'll roll
Or roll, roll, you sonofabitch
The more you roll the less you'll pitch.
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Wholley
- Guest
True story(honest)
If you have ever testified in court as a Peace Officer,you might wish you were as sharp as this Deputy.
A defense attorny was cross examining the Deputy during a felony trial.
It went like this.
Q,Officer,did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A,No sir,but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of
the offender running several blocks away.
Q,Officer,who provided this description?
A,The officer who responded to the scene.
Q,A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender?
Do you trust your fellow officers?
A,yes sir,with my life.
Q,With your life?Let me ask you this then officer.do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A,yes sir,we do.
Q,and do you have a locker in that room?
A,yes sir,I do.
Q,And do you have a lock on your locker?
A,yes sir.
Q,now why is it,officer,if you trust your fellow officers with your life,
that you find it neccessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
those same officers?
A,you see sir,we share the building with the entire court complex,and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
At this point the whole courtroom erupted in laughter.
The Judge,barely able to contain his own mirth called a quick recess
Wholley.
A defense attorny was cross examining the Deputy during a felony trial.
It went like this.
Q,Officer,did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A,No sir,but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of
the offender running several blocks away.
Q,Officer,who provided this description?
A,The officer who responded to the scene.
Q,A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender?
Do you trust your fellow officers?
A,yes sir,with my life.
Q,With your life?Let me ask you this then officer.do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A,yes sir,we do.
Q,and do you have a locker in that room?
A,yes sir,I do.
Q,And do you have a lock on your locker?
A,yes sir.
Q,now why is it,officer,if you trust your fellow officers with your life,
that you find it neccessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
those same officers?
A,you see sir,we share the building with the entire court complex,and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
At this point the whole courtroom erupted in laughter.
The Judge,barely able to contain his own mirth called a quick recess
Wholley.
Chaos, Disorder, Destruction.....My work here is done!
*****
"The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. --- Alan Ashley Pitt"
*****
Why can't you accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
*****
"The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. --- Alan Ashley Pitt"
*****
Why can't you accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
