Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough
to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?"
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Joke
A kid comes home from school and says to his mum, "Mum I have a problem." She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are. He says "pussy and bitch". She says "Oh That's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He says thanks and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mum but I don't think she told me the exact meaning. Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mum with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy." "OK dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."
A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe." She replies, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank." He says, "Open the safe or I will shoot" She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it." After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband. He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"
An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table , he notices a beautiful woman sitting at a table nearby.... alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million pounds in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants. The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over twenty million in the bank." "But, not even for a woman beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back!!!
Three old men are sitting in the pub talking over a few pints of ale
"Ive got a problem" says the 70 year old. "I wake up at 7 every morning in the need of a shit but nothing happens for an hour"
"Same here" says the 80 year old. "But I have to wait for 2 hrs before something happens"
"My problems much worse", says the ninety year old. "Every moring at 7 I shit like a cow and piss like a horse."
"So whats the problem" ask the others
"I dont wake up untill 9"
"Ive got a problem" says the 70 year old. "I wake up at 7 every morning in the need of a shit but nothing happens for an hour"
"Same here" says the 80 year old. "But I have to wait for 2 hrs before something happens"
"My problems much worse", says the ninety year old. "Every moring at 7 I shit like a cow and piss like a horse."
"So whats the problem" ask the others
"I dont wake up untill 9"
The Best Is Yet To Come
-
Contractor
- Member
- Posts: 1036
- Joined: Fri 30 May, 2003 12:45 pm
- Location: Cotswolds
This is truly a heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little
girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the
goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant plot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She
hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing five pounds. The little girl took this home to her mother who
said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take
the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings
account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at
such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week
with a crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless bastards at Jewsons ever
bring us the fu**ng plasterboard."
girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the
goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant plot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She
hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them
gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing five pounds. The little girl took this home to her mother who
said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take
the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings
account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay cheque at
such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week
with a crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless bastards at Jewsons ever
bring us the fu**ng plasterboard."
-
Jason The Argonaut
- Member
- Posts: 2231
- Joined: Sat 24 May, 2003 1:46 pm
- Location: London, England
- Contact:
An Englishman an Australian and a South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots a glass to pieces and says "In Sath Afrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun ans shoots the glass to pieces and says "Well mate in 'straaaaaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and says "In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same one's twice."
All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots a glass to pieces and says "In Sath Afrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".
The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun ans shoots the glass to pieces and says "Well mate in 'straaaaaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and says "In London we have so many f***ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same one's twice."
I fight for my corner and secondly I leave when the pub closes. - Winston Churchill [img]http://www.world-of-smilies.de/html/images/smilies/teufel/smilie_vampire.gif[/img]
Three men were in a sauna.
One was Italian, one was German, and one was Polish.
Suddenly, they heard a beeping noise. The Italian guy pushed a few buttons on his hand and then told the others that he had a chip installed in his hand to allow him to be paged.
Then, they heard a ring and the German man pushed a button on his hand and put his hand up to his ear and said, "Hello. Oh Yes! OK...Bye!"
After pressing another button on his hand the German man said that he had a chip installed in his hand to allow him to receive calls.
The Polish man excuses himself to use the bathroom.
He comes back, with a piece of toilet paper trailing from his butt.
The other men laugh and point. The Polish man cranes his neck around to look.
He says, "Wow! I must have gotten a fax!"
One was Italian, one was German, and one was Polish.
Suddenly, they heard a beeping noise. The Italian guy pushed a few buttons on his hand and then told the others that he had a chip installed in his hand to allow him to be paged.
Then, they heard a ring and the German man pushed a button on his hand and put his hand up to his ear and said, "Hello. Oh Yes! OK...Bye!"
After pressing another button on his hand the German man said that he had a chip installed in his hand to allow him to receive calls.
The Polish man excuses himself to use the bathroom.
He comes back, with a piece of toilet paper trailing from his butt.
The other men laugh and point. The Polish man cranes his neck around to look.
He says, "Wow! I must have gotten a fax!"
Chaos, Disorder, Destruction.....My work here is done!
*****
"The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. --- Alan Ashley Pitt"
*****
Why can't you accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
*****
"The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. --- Alan Ashley Pitt"
*****
Why can't you accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
