PECKING ORDER (NAVY)
ADMIRAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, reviews policy with God.
CAPTAIN:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.
COMMANDER:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God only if a special request chit is approved.
LT. COMMANDER:
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, is occasionally addressed by God.
LIEUTENANT:
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by the locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles, talks to animals.
LIEUTENANT jg:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in the Mae-West, talks to bulkheads.
ENSIGN:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.
CHIEF:
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, makes policy and enforces it, HE IS GOD.
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Jason The Argonaut
- Member
- Posts: 2231
- Joined: Sat 24 May, 2003 1:46 pm
- Location: London, England
- Contact:
The caretaker of a fishing resort notices the husband of a newly wed couple was spending all of his time fishing and not with his new bride.
When he asked the man why are you spending all day out on the lake fishing when you could be making love to this fine young babe?
Well, the groom said, I would but you see she has gonorrhea!
Wow said the caretaker, but there are other things you can do to her.
I know said the groom, but you see she also has diarrhea!
But still there are other things you can do to her, said the caretaker.
Well she also has pyorrhea (gum disease) said the groom!
My God , why the did you marry this woman?
Well, she also has worms, and I love to fish!
When he asked the man why are you spending all day out on the lake fishing when you could be making love to this fine young babe?
Well, the groom said, I would but you see she has gonorrhea!
Wow said the caretaker, but there are other things you can do to her.
I know said the groom, but you see she also has diarrhea!
But still there are other things you can do to her, said the caretaker.
Well she also has pyorrhea (gum disease) said the groom!
My God , why the did you marry this woman?
Well, she also has worms, and I love to fish!
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.
He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill.
The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!"
The waiter says, “That’s
nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.
He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill.
The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!"
The waiter says, “That’s
nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
Santa's best pick up lines.....
Hey Babe, when was the last time you had a really good sleigh?
Care to see my twelve-inch elf?
I've got something special in the sack just for you!
Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
I know when you've been bad or good so let's skip the small talk, sister!
Some of my favorite toys run on batteries....
Interested in seeing the North Pole? (Well, that's what Mrs. Claus calls it)
Ho-Ho-How'd you like to shake like a bowl of jelly?
I put the 'scroo' in 'scrooge!
I've got something you can hang a wreath on!
One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer!
That is NO candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you.
Uh-yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers.
I got your stocking stuffer right here!
Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy'
Hey Babe, when was the last time you had a really good sleigh?
Care to see my twelve-inch elf?
I've got something special in the sack just for you!
Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
I know when you've been bad or good so let's skip the small talk, sister!
Some of my favorite toys run on batteries....
Interested in seeing the North Pole? (Well, that's what Mrs. Claus calls it)
Ho-Ho-How'd you like to shake like a bowl of jelly?
I put the 'scroo' in 'scrooge!
I've got something you can hang a wreath on!
One hour with me honey and you'll see flyin' reindeer!
That is NO candy cane in my pocket, and I'm glad to see you.
Uh-yeah, that's right. I'm Kenny Rogers.
I got your stocking stuffer right here!
Giddy-up over here and say 'Howdy'
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
The definition of Christmas caroling..........
If you're singing Christmas songs on your neighbor's lawn at night with your church group, it's called "caroling."
But if you're doing it alone with no pants on, it's called "drunk and disorderly!
If you're singing Christmas songs on your neighbor's lawn at night with your church group, it's called "caroling."
But if you're doing it alone with no pants on, it's called "drunk and disorderly!
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.
The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don’t shine. He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin’ ’em."
The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don’t shine. He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin’ ’em."
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
One day the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" asks her husband.
"Well" she replied, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings".
A week later his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
"Where did you get that coat?" he asks.
She replied, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings".
Another week later she comes home driving a red Ferrari.
"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.
Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.
That night she asks her husband to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.
"What's this?" she asks her husband.
"Well" he replied " We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??????"
"Where did you get that ring?" asks her husband.
"Well" she replied, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings".
A week later his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.
"Where did you get that coat?" he asks.
She replied, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings".
Another week later she comes home driving a red Ferrari.
"Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.
Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.
That night she asks her husband to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.
"What's this?" she asks her husband.
"Well" he replied " We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??????"
Wully
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Jason The Argonaut
- Member
- Posts: 2231
- Joined: Sat 24 May, 2003 1:46 pm
- Location: London, England
- Contact:
I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day.
He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.
My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.
I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.
Sure enough, he said that I had three times the "normal length" of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.
I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery -- provided that I didn't play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.
Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.
Then I asked him what had become of the "rest" of me.
He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it...
and watched it duck hook two fairways away...
He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.
My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.
I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.
Sure enough, he said that I had three times the "normal length" of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.
I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery -- provided that I didn't play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.
Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.
Then I asked him what had become of the "rest" of me.
He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it...
and watched it duck hook two fairways away...
I fight for my corner and secondly I leave when the pub closes. - Winston Churchill [img]http://www.world-of-smilies.de/html/images/smilies/teufel/smilie_vampire.gif[/img]
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Jason The Argonaut
- Member
- Posts: 2231
- Joined: Sat 24 May, 2003 1:46 pm
- Location: London, England
- Contact:
One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in thisample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise andvarious lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in thisample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises,flashedlights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!
I fight for my corner and secondly I leave when the pub closes. - Winston Churchill [img]http://www.world-of-smilies.de/html/images/smilies/teufel/smilie_vampire.gif[/img]
Thanks to Andy for these:
Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who passed away and left his
entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's
14
Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it was invented
anywhere else, it would have been called teethbrush
A new law recently passed in West Virginia: When a couple gets divorced,
they're STILL brother and sister
Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who passed away and left his
entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's
14
Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it was invented
anywhere else, it would have been called teethbrush
A new law recently passed in West Virginia: When a couple gets divorced,
they're STILL brother and sister
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
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exvmremf
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