Q whats worse than letting michael jackson putting your kids to bed???????
A letting ian huntley bath them
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Joke
Jokes
Source: http://personal.nbnet.nb.ca/petit02/jokes.htm
Clyde, the Newfie, died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.
Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked down and said "Nope, it ain't Clyde". The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Zeke in to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde".
The mortician asked "How can you tell?"
Zeke said "Well, Clyde had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, Here comes Clyde with them two assholes".
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Clyde, the Newfie, died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke, were sent for.
Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked down and said "Nope, it ain't Clyde". The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Zeke in to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad. Roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde".
The mortician asked "How can you tell?"
Zeke said "Well, Clyde had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, Here comes Clyde with them two assholes".
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"Poor Ike, it won't be a bit like the Army. He'll find it very frustrating. He'll sit here and he'll say, 'Do this! Do that!' And nothing will happen."
Harry Truman
Harry Truman
One day Paddy was walking down the street minding his own business when all of a sudden he was approached by three large men who demanded all of his money.
"No way" said Paddy "f@#k Off"
At that moment, the three men jumped Paddy and a ferocious fight took place in which Paddy was getting the shit kicked out of him.
However, despite his small frame, Paddy was able to get the better of the men and f@#k two of them. But then, the third man knocked him down and stood on him while the other two went through his pockets. However, all they found was a 50p coin.
"You mean you put up a fight like that for a measly 50p"
"No" says Paddy "I thought you were after the £200 in my boots!"
"No way" said Paddy "f@#k Off"
At that moment, the three men jumped Paddy and a ferocious fight took place in which Paddy was getting the shit kicked out of him.
However, despite his small frame, Paddy was able to get the better of the men and f@#k two of them. But then, the third man knocked him down and stood on him while the other two went through his pockets. However, all they found was a 50p coin.
"You mean you put up a fight like that for a measly 50p"
"No" says Paddy "I thought you were after the £200 in my boots!"
The Best Is Yet To Come
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. The first one says to the other, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't watching where I was going."
The second guy says, "What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too, and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first guy says "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
The second guy answers, "She's tall, with red hair, wet blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first guy replies, "Never mind, let's look for yours
The second guy says, "What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too, and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first guy says "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
The second guy answers, "She's tall, with red hair, wet blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first guy replies, "Never mind, let's look for yours
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
UN sent out the following survey to everyone in the world: "Please give us your honest opinion as to how to resolve the problem of food shortage in the rest of the world."
The survey resulted in a miserable failure because--
The Latin Americans did not know what "please" means.
The Asians did not know what "honest" means.
The Eastern Europeans did not know what "opinion" means.
The Middle Eastern did not know what "resolve" means.
The Western European did not know what "shortage" means.
The Americans did not know what "the rest of the world" means
The survey resulted in a miserable failure because--
The Latin Americans did not know what "please" means.
The Asians did not know what "honest" means.
The Eastern Europeans did not know what "opinion" means.
The Middle Eastern did not know what "resolve" means.
The Western European did not know what "shortage" means.
The Americans did not know what "the rest of the world" means
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
Imagine you are a news photographer in the Middle East when a terrible flood strikes.
You set out in a boat with your camera to find a prize-winning picture, when you see Osama Bin Laden hanging from the branch of a tree.
"Help me", he calls. "I can't hold on any longer".
There is room in your boat, and if you don't help him he will drown.
You have a dilemma, and this is the question you have to answer:
What lens do you use?
You set out in a boat with your camera to find a prize-winning picture, when you see Osama Bin Laden hanging from the branch of a tree.
"Help me", he calls. "I can't hold on any longer".
There is room in your boat, and if you don't help him he will drown.
You have a dilemma, and this is the question you have to answer:
What lens do you use?
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
A new porter in Paris was instructed by the manager that it was important to call the guests by their names, in order to make them feel welcome and that the easiest way to find out their names was to look at their luggage.
Armed with this advice, the porter took two guest up to their rooms, put down their bags and said, "I 'ope you 'ave a 'appy stay ere in Paris, Mr. and Mrs. Genuine Cow'ide
Armed with this advice, the porter took two guest up to their rooms, put down their bags and said, "I 'ope you 'ave a 'appy stay ere in Paris, Mr. and Mrs. Genuine Cow'ide
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
Giorgio had been in this country for about 6 months. He walked to work every day and would pass a shoe store on the way. Each day he stopped and looked in the window and admired a certain pair of Justin leather boots. He wanted those boots so badly; it was all he could think about.
After about 2 months he saved the $300.00 the boots cost and purchased them. He polished them every day. They were so shiny, that you could see your face in them.
Every Friday night the Italian community would get together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seized the opportunity to wear his new leather boots to the dance.
He asked Sophia to dance and as they danced he asked her, "Sophia, are you wearing red panties tonight?"
Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I 'm wearing red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Giorgio replied, "I can see the reflection in my new $300.00 leather boots. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, are you wearing white panties with black polka dots on them, tonight?"
Rosa answered, "Yes, Giorgio, I am, but how do you know that?"
He answered, "I can see them in my shiny new boots. How do you like them? "
Now the evening was almost over and the last song was being played. Giorgio asked Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turned red. He said, "Carmella, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wearing no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"
Carmella smiles coyly and answered, "Yes Giorgio, I'm not wearing any panties tonight. But, tell me, how did you know?"
Giorgio gasped, wiped the sweat off his brow, and says ...."Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my new boots
After about 2 months he saved the $300.00 the boots cost and purchased them. He polished them every day. They were so shiny, that you could see your face in them.
Every Friday night the Italian community would get together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio seized the opportunity to wear his new leather boots to the dance.
He asked Sophia to dance and as they danced he asked her, "Sophia, are you wearing red panties tonight?"
Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I 'm wearing red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Giorgio replied, "I can see the reflection in my new $300.00 leather boots. How do you like them?"
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, are you wearing white panties with black polka dots on them, tonight?"
Rosa answered, "Yes, Giorgio, I am, but how do you know that?"
He answered, "I can see them in my shiny new boots. How do you like them? "
Now the evening was almost over and the last song was being played. Giorgio asked Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turned red. He said, "Carmella, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wearing no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"
Carmella smiles coyly and answered, "Yes Giorgio, I'm not wearing any panties tonight. But, tell me, how did you know?"
Giorgio gasped, wiped the sweat off his brow, and says ...."Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my new boots
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
Retired gentlemen went to apply for social security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home, "will I have to go home and come back now?” he ask.
The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” as she processes his social security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office.
She says, "you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
The woman says, "unbutton your shirt." he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” as she processes his social security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office.
She says, "you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
These two old men are in a nursing home.
They’re talking and realize that it's been years since they have had sex. So they sneak out and go to the closest whorehouse.
Once inside they go to the Pimp and ask for the two best girls. The Pimp thought "I'm not going to waste my two best girls on these guys I'll just give them inflatable women. They are old and they won't know the difference."
Once the old men finish they leave. On their way back they start talking.
The first guy said, " I think mine was dead she didn't move or anything."
The second guy said I think mine was a witch because when I nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the window."
They’re talking and realize that it's been years since they have had sex. So they sneak out and go to the closest whorehouse.
Once inside they go to the Pimp and ask for the two best girls. The Pimp thought "I'm not going to waste my two best girls on these guys I'll just give them inflatable women. They are old and they won't know the difference."
Once the old men finish they leave. On their way back they start talking.
The first guy said, " I think mine was dead she didn't move or anything."
The second guy said I think mine was a witch because when I nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the window."
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
In a nursing home, there is this old woman named Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people.
She walks up to a nun, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The nun says, "Gladys, you know you're not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room.
Gladys starts walking back and sees the minister. She walks up to him, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The minister is shocked and tells her to go back to her room.
As she continues, she sees an old man lying on the bed.
She walks in, flashes him, and yells "Super Pussy!"
The man slowly turns his head and says, "Thanks, I think I'll have the soup
She walks up to a nun, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The nun says, "Gladys, you know you're not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room.
Gladys starts walking back and sees the minister. She walks up to him, opens her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The minister is shocked and tells her to go back to her room.
As she continues, she sees an old man lying on the bed.
She walks in, flashes him, and yells "Super Pussy!"
The man slowly turns his head and says, "Thanks, I think I'll have the soup
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but
nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When Canada Post received the letter addressed to "God, Canada",
They decided to send it to the Prime Minister.
The Prime Minister was so amused that he instructed his secretary
to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The Prime Minister thought
this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to
write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I
noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, and, as
usual, those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When Canada Post received the letter addressed to "God, Canada",
They decided to send it to the Prime Minister.
The Prime Minister was so amused that he instructed his secretary
to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The Prime Minister thought
this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to
write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I
noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, and, as
usual, those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.
"Si vis pacem, para bellum" ("If you want peace, prepare for war").
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Rotary Booty
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