What do Santa and M Jackson have in common???
They both empty their Sacks in kids bedrooms
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Joke
once upon atime there was a man who was completely green all over. one day he was about to take a bath when the doorbell rang, so he quickly whipped a towell around his waist and went on down to answer the door. At the door he found a young lady, and he started to chat with her until suddenly a gust of wind came along, blew the mans towel off and left him stark naked, the woman was so horrified that she legged it across the road but was sadly splatted by a car.
Whats the moral of this story?
dont cross the road when the green mans flashing
Whats the moral of this story?
dont cross the road when the green mans flashing
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barrybudden
- Member
- Posts: 569
- Joined: Wed 19 Dec, 2001 12:00 am
- Location: N. Ireland
A mate sent me this.
Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank. The Bank Manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only
been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that
brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by way of
penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs
from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more
will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs for the future, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end,
please be advised about the following changes: I have noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact
you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose
only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You
will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs
to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will
issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I
have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by
introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very
much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with
whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered
by an automated voice service: Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised
Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of
Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made of marble, with a guard at every
door, and the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost
which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising
material you send me. This I will read for a fee of per page. Inquiries
from the Authorised Contact will be billed at er minute of my time spent
in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone
service runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised to keep your
inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of
this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble
Client, (Name Withheld)
Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank. The Bank Manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian.
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must
have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account
of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only
been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that
brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by way of
penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs
from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more
will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs for the future, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end,
please be advised about the following changes: I have noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact
you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose
only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You
will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs
to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will
issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings
with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I
have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my
account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by
introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very
much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with
whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered
by an automated voice service: Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised
Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of
Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made of marble, with a guard at every
door, and the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost
which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising
material you send me. This I will read for a fee of per page. Inquiries
from the Authorised Contact will be billed at er minute of my time spent
in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone
service runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised to keep your
inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of
this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble
Client, (Name Withheld)
-
harry hackedoff
- Member
- Posts: 14415
- Joined: Tue 19 Feb, 2002 12:00 am
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some
tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going
to beat around the
bush. You have AIDS."
Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled
carrots drenched in hot
sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts,
a box of Grape, Nuts
cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune
juice."
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a
better understanding of what
your arse is for."
tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going
to beat around the
bush. You have AIDS."
Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled
carrots drenched in hot
sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts,
a box of Grape, Nuts
cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune
juice."
Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a
better understanding of what
your arse is for."
[url=http://www.militaryforums.co.uk/forums/groupcp.php?g=397][img]http://www.militaryforums.co.uk/forums/images/usergroups/listener.gif[/img][/url]
A teacher asks her class of 10 year olds what their parents do for a living.
After the usual responses - doctors, mechanics, businessmen - the teacher asks little Jimmy.
"My dads an exotic cage dancer at a gay bar"
Shocked, the teacher takes little Jimmy outside the class and asks him to explain his behaviour
"Im sorry for lying", he says. "My dad really plays for Leeds United but im too embarrased to tell the other kids".
After the usual responses - doctors, mechanics, businessmen - the teacher asks little Jimmy.
"My dads an exotic cage dancer at a gay bar"
Shocked, the teacher takes little Jimmy outside the class and asks him to explain his behaviour
"Im sorry for lying", he says. "My dad really plays for Leeds United but im too embarrased to tell the other kids".
The Best Is Yet To Come
-
Jason The Argonaut
- Member
- Posts: 2231
- Joined: Sat 24 May, 2003 1:46 pm
- Location: London, England
- Contact:
-
Artist
- Guest
This woman was nine months pregnant and the sprog seemed disinclined to come out.
So the docs decided to induce the birth. Anyway the birth took 36 hours.
As the woman is lying there sha**ed out this doc walks into the room and has a look at the sprog.
He gets the sprog out of the crib and starts looking at it very closely indeed.
He then started to throw the sprog up and down in the air. The woman is begining to look a tad worried at this.
The doc then throws the sprog and it smashes against the ceiling! The woman is horrified!
Next he starts playing "keepie up with the sprog just like you see David Beckham doing it for the cameras. At this stage the woman is screaming fit to burst.
The doc then chucks the sprog up into the air and as it starts coming down delivers a powerhouse kick and the sprog flies out of the window drops 4 floors down and is run over by an ambulance!
He turns to the now hysterical woman and says "April Fool! it was dead already!"
Artist
So the docs decided to induce the birth. Anyway the birth took 36 hours.
As the woman is lying there sha**ed out this doc walks into the room and has a look at the sprog.
He gets the sprog out of the crib and starts looking at it very closely indeed.
He then started to throw the sprog up and down in the air. The woman is begining to look a tad worried at this.
The doc then throws the sprog and it smashes against the ceiling! The woman is horrified!
Next he starts playing "keepie up with the sprog just like you see David Beckham doing it for the cameras. At this stage the woman is screaming fit to burst.
The doc then chucks the sprog up into the air and as it starts coming down delivers a powerhouse kick and the sprog flies out of the window drops 4 floors down and is run over by an ambulance!
He turns to the now hysterical woman and says "April Fool! it was dead already!"
Artist
-
Artist
- Guest
This woman gives birth to a baby and when it is born the docs take it away ASAP!
One day later they let the woman and her husband look at the baby.
What they see is a 6 pound EAR. Thats right just an EAR!
The chief Doc goes up the the parents and says:
"We have run exhaustive tests and have come to the conclusion that after every avenue had been explored by all and sundry that you baby is deaf!"
BYE NOW Artist
One day later they let the woman and her husband look at the baby.
What they see is a 6 pound EAR. Thats right just an EAR!
The chief Doc goes up the the parents and says:
"We have run exhaustive tests and have come to the conclusion that after every avenue had been explored by all and sundry that you baby is deaf!"
BYE NOW Artist
