The mystery of Rob Parrys loft

[El Prez]

So my little friends............life here at the surgery has not all been hedonistic, no indeed some days we have had fun!
I think I should update you on Mangle and his precocious and precious talents. Mangle was released early for, well how can one say this delicately? He spent his one hour a day outside his cell completing this NVQ welding qualification. I’m surprised the authorities let him practice. It was, after all, as a result of a serious misfire on his O2 line that Mrs Postlethwaite brought the original charges against him. Charges I can assure you that no self abusing or respecting member of the Health & Safety Executive would bring.
Mangle’s remaining 23 hours per day were spent locked in his cell, which after his 3rd month of incarceration was shared with a psychopathic tattoo artist who has a very neat second career as a body piercer. Imagine Mangle’s delight upon discovering this. Well the two of them struck up an immediate and long term relationship. The body artist, Cyril, became really close to Mangle after inserting a stud in Mangle’s manhood; indeed if Mangle had got any closer he would have killed Cyril. The tactics of the jail’s close combat team are to be applauded. No mess tins, they just dropped Mangle with hefty thumps from their batons, gassed him when he was down and shook the hand of Cyril for giving them the opportunity to ‘legally’ do something they had been waiting ages for. (Sully, are you taking notes?)
You can imagine the scene when Mangle did his best to return to the land he had left. He was severely dehydrated; the barstewards had taken the opportunity to insert a catheter, without giving him the opportunity to thank them. Cyril ministered to his needs, and became a very close friend. They now go everywhere together.
I digress. The inclusion of Cyril and the welcome return of Mangle to the Practice has meant a return to the good old days of boom and bust. Many is the breast implant that has gone boom under the probing of Mangle’s wandering hands; if only he would be gentler, but no the word is wasted on him. Cyril has ingratiated himself on the customers by standing slyly in the background just as the anaesthetic is being applied. Their fearful staring eyes are usually wide open during the procedures, which makes me wonder if Herr Gass is really keeping them fully sedated. Cyril starts his delicate art work as the procedure is being finalised, as soon as Ursula discovers his map of Antarctica, tastefully adorning her nether parts I’m sure she will be over the moon. It’s such a shame there was no room for the addition of South Georgia, at least the Falklands were in the correct place, despite Herr Gass’s insistence that Las Malvinas would look better.
I had one minor concern during the early part of Cyril and Mangles handicraft. Cyril had taught Mangle how to delicately remove any trace of hair or stubble to produce a smooth pleasant working surface. Mangle being a son of the soil and a lazy barsteward, decided he could go one better and utilised his cigar lighter, the effect was interestingly catastrophic. Ursula will never be a candidate for a clitoral stud……….she would have been but not since Mangle did his bit!
I remain in great demand. So great in fact that I have stopped answering the door unless the requisite warrant card is pushed through the anti-flame delivery device which has replaced the letterbox. Nurse remains blissfully unaware of the direction the practice is taking. Her consumption of Helium is increasing monthly, costs a bomb, which is just what I’m waiting for, a bomb. If she goes near Mangle’s igniter or burning torch I’m quids in with the insurance. Flotilla, our new receptionist is a delightful character. She hails from somewhere on the Western side of the Leeward Islands, has a penchant for placing her herbs between two Rizla papers and informed me over a bottle of Tequila that the reason her mother named her Flotilla is she could not decide which member of the 3rd Destroyer Flotilla was her father. She is a warm and welcome addition to the fold who has increased our culinary awareness with her wonderful rice and peas.
Appointments are not necessary, we continue to have an open door policy, it’s the only way to stay ahead of Black Rat and his capitalist fascist lackeys.
In Erratum Non Proven

[Artist]

Rob

Any repeat any Trick cyclist who wants to open an entirely new chapter ref the human mind and how it works when under the fluence of total nutterdumb just has to read your input which to be honest is an experience best avoided by new members of the forum unless they are heavily sedated 10 hours beforehand with a written note saying they are without the required faculties to see out the end of the day!

Mr Parry I take my hat off to you! Long may you stay the total and utter Loon that you are! Just promise me that Mangle is not let loose in Nantwich but kept under wraps until required.

The thought of what the Parry retinue could do if released without prior warning to the Populance of Nantwich just does not bear thinking about.

Artist

[Sticky Blue]

Looks like Mangle's surgery went well, he's quite the looker now.
He has a face that resembles a blind welder's thumb and his own website to boot!
I wonder how many people look at the website... don't bother, it is closed for lent

[JulesB]

With a face like that he could put Herr Gass out of work! One look and they'll just pass out cold allowing all manner of surgery to be performed! Could be onto a cost cutter here Prez....??

[El Prez]

Poor lad, his photos are restricted because he was once attached for stand easy to an Australian SAS unit who were on temporary detachment to the WRVS. Consequently there are no other known shots of the boy. Pity he didn't have his hair done for the occasion, I so hate 'bed hair' don't you? His teeth are shockers, they remind me of that Maltese virgin (sic) who scarred the mind of the duty middy at St Angelo by whispering hoarsely that she still loved him despite the infection he gave her!

[El Prez]

It comes to us all I suppose, but recently it happened to my good friend Old Papa Doc and now JB my man Arisitide has had to depart his family concubine and condo for an extended visit to Middle earth, also known as Middle Africa. Boy how the poor guy is going to sweat. In Haiti he only had witchdoctors to puzzle him, over there he'll have TseTse, Ebola, 'Slim', Cannibals and even the odd Missionary pushin them Gideon Joke Books at him. That lad Gideon been in every hotel I been to!
My own situation remains fluid, this is presumeably something to do with the old stock of incontinence pads. However even in a benign dictatorship such as my very own, one cannot be too careful. I have therefore instigated border checks by BR and his cohorts, at the Tamar and A30 crossing points. All heavy duty Totty will be returned from whence it came, as will any caravans and 4x4s with roof boxes. It's a simple thing to load a vehicle adequately with credit cards, cash and a change of nicks to get you through a vacation. Ugly people will also be turned away. So Malone will never visit his home again, Mrs Malone, (Hello Darling) can expect full pastoral care from His Excellency and even maybe a bosey. (The Frisp will understand)
I know you will make home copies of my recent publicity photo, taken at the home of one of my dispossesed factory workers. His wife was hovering in the background, that was a mistake on Mangles part, the ropes were too short, fool. Toots as ever radiates bonhomie and savage farts. Before I return to the Presidential Inquisition, which apparently nobody expected, I shall publish the attached message from JBA over in Africa.
Reap as ye sow!

"In anticipashun ob a visit from George dubya's boys wiv de bad fittin suits under the left arm, i am writing this under the wing ob de prezzy dental plane. I was expectin' one ob dem Leer Jet tings, dis Fokker as de pilot keeps callin it, is a bit shambollocks. It sure is a fokker in bad webber and leeks like de damn labour kabbynet. (Dat Clare Short shure is de ugly ting, I got cows better lookin' dan dat)
Wot? I got to aks? Is wot am happnin' to oll dem nice boy dick taters like anall innit? Slow but shure dey is all findin it hard to stay in office. Now de commune in Afrika (dats how it am spelt on de plane, and annuver word Corps?) am gettin bigger and busier. nice ting doh, we am all de same colour, and all use de same interwebnetty banking service, in da Dworf Kaptal. Must put out de cheroot, dere bein' a fuel leak under here. By fo' now big boy, keep de faith, and all dose taxes. Your good frien' JBA"

[El Prez]

Is that criticism my fren', it's just that criticism and I do not get on. Well actually I don't mind, but my chaps get antsy because I get subliminily upset, consequently they get their balls squeezed, and why? just because some smart ass thinks they can try a bit of the old 'Course Critique' on moi! Well think again................ Nurse! One of those microwaved refreshing towelets if you know what is good for you!!!!!!!

[Guest]

Mmmmm, more like the man from Delmonte....................tinned TOOTS anyone?


Tinned Toots.Tah Man

[Artist]

Artmobile at the ready!

Just let us know when you want Toots seen to Mr Prez!

I promise to behave and check under the vehicle before I move off!

Artist

[Guest]

nor the delightful Toots biting my ankles

I think thats saved for Black Rat`s visits to the Presidential Residence..........and after a few well placed nips, BR turns into.

[Sticky Blue]

Wife thinks I'm demented after sitting here crying with joy... I now know why I missed the Prez!
After a really crap day... the assylum here seems so normal!

[El Prez]

I regret that I may have been remiss not to inform you all about the accident that befell my younger brother Cliff. Those who attended the Yomp last year may remember the rotund, smoking, beer swilling ex RA and ex Copper brother of mine. Well Cliff is a diabetic. Unfortunately he also experiences Seasonal Adjustive Disorder. Consequently he recently rented a sun bed to help him get through the worst of the winter months, which can be hard work for him. During one of his first sessions he classicaly nodded off, and woke to discover he had very badly burnt his torso, neck and face.
He was rushed to A&E at Stoke Mandeville, where doctors applied salves and put him in the burns unit. Morphine helped, and was used in conjunction with viagra, apparently this helps keep the sheet off his burns.

[Guest]

Rob, wish My drinking partner a speedy recovery, he has to be in Okehampton again this year for a re-run

[El Prez]

Loz has been kind enough to make enquiries about my availability to assist in a delicate procedure. In an attempt at open government and maintaining the highest standards of confidentiality and patient trust I enclose my response.

Dwahling as soon as Claudette has removed her tools from the work area and replaced the shattered light bulbs cracked by Mrs Weatherby's top 'C' when Mangle put in an illuminated appearance before her anaesthesia took full hold. You are next. Yippppeee. My first case of Elephantisis Pussyosis. Would you like them pinned back or folded? Please leave all valuables in my pocket, advance payment in crispy 20s is a requirement of violence.
I remain yours in aspic. El Prez, Gynae to the Scars.

[El Prez]

In a despondent mood, since the cancellation of Mz Lozkins appointment I wandered up to the shed and levered the doors open. I thought the hinges were squeeling, but on closer inspection after putting the lights on I discovered the noise to be emanating from one of Mangle's homers. That sly old fox had blacked out the windows, put some Charles Aznovoice on the CD machine, and was practicing his dark arts under cover of my greens. The swine, she thought it was me performing indelicate surgery, the breath like a trawler hold should have given the game away; I'll swing for him, if he'll let me.
Well I couldn't let Dementia go away with her apparatus dangling like that, so it was out with the old sail-makers and give her one, which became give her one or two. She seemed pleased and only commenced crying when I told her about Black Rats use of a hedge trimmer for topiary style pubes; it was then I noticed the lateral cuts and Black and Decker inscribed on her arse. She was also dribbling furiously, but the mop will absorb most of that.
Mangle was very non commital when he got up. He doesn't want to be committed again, after all it breaks up a wonderful working relationship. He apologised that Dementia had not been given the full company video and coffee intro, but felt he needed to branch out on his own for the good of his psyche. As his psyche makes Atilla the Hun look like Miss Muffet I reckon he's a tad confused. The video she should have watched contains company specific information, as opposed to Mangle's video which has gynae specific observation.
Never mind, he was mildly admonished, with bleach, and forced to prepare the presidential bacon baps. I love bacon on naked flesh, and Kat has such wonderful baps.