Guins and why I love them

[sittingstress]

Sooooooo they have managed to play the foulest possible mind-game they possibly can on this Gunner!

As some of you are aware I am due out of the RAF Regt in Feb next year. In order to sign on (which I want to do) I must be promoted. In July my last gasp chance arrived and off I toddled to be thrashed around Otterburn for a few weeks only to be injured off 6 days from the end. The injury is a bit on the cheeky side and has no chance of being healed and strong enough for the the next course in Oct. Therefore there is a question about am I out or going to be retained until injury is sorted enough for another bash at the course. Consequently I am flapping like a budgie!!

To explain the RAF promotion system there are two parts; the Trade course and the Management Course (IMLC). Guins complete the IMLC (3 week huggy, fluffy, shark-infested custard build a tripod course) first then their trade course (advanced scribblying, duvet fluffing, spanner w@#k) and promotion is a given. Gunners on the other hand have to complete their Trade Course (I didn't arghhhhh) first before they are allowed to attend IMLC.

So to set the scene, whilst at work relaxing at home on Friday morning at 1030 hrs I receive a phone call from unit scribbly, "ss the Chief Scribbly needs to speak to you urgently."

Chief Scribbly asks me whether I want to do the IMLC anyway as someone has dropped out. This is highly unusual for the Regt and I know I will be in for a slagging once the rumour mill has begun however, get it done sooner rather than later is my ethos so "YES" I said. Chief Scribbly says great here are your joining instructions. The time now is approximately 1100 hrs.

At this time the I thought it would be a good idea to ring the IMLC bunch to enquire as to whether there is any phys or activity which may "knacker" (medical terminology) my injury. "No" came the reply. All looking good and ss pleased so far.

Then time slowed down and the world took on a gloomy appearence as the bod on the other end of the phone uttered the following words,"You do know of course that the entire course is done in blues with bulled shoes and the first inspection is at 1700 hrs on Sunday?".

"No", I wept

"Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha" the filthy Guin laughed as he stroked his white cat and further plotted ss' downfall, "See you on Sunday then ss."

The filthy, stinking, admin based, blunt, guano-noshing homblero!!!!

Why am I so distressed? Cos it is 1115 on a Friday and I don't possess any blue uniform at all nor shoes!!

Cue 1 emergency drive to nearest RAF unit and massive blag in stores I successfully acquire the following in packets, brand new with all special deep "been on the shelf years" creases:

5 short sleeve shirts
2 pairs of NO2 trousers
1 gay blue thunderbird jacket ??????????????????
1 funny belt

1 pair boxed, brand new shoes.

The IMLC guin was so happy on the phone as he knows I have 24 hours to bash that lot into inspection standard as well as prep everything else for a 3 week course. The clothes are no drama but the SHOES arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Hours and hours of bulling.

In summary, morale high on acceptance onto course immediately followed by being smashed in the slats by goober guin knowing what I would be up to this last 24 hours and thoroughly relishing the thought!

So for all at Halton I will see you there in about 5 hours time. I will be the Rock looking like a bag of shite but still better than most of the Guins hahahahahaha!!!!

Regards

ss

PS Thought this tale of my plight might bring a smile to some of your faces.

PPS Skyfifi, I believe we have weekends off, is your abode anywhere near Halton? Just being polite of course!!

[sittingstress]

I forgot this bit as well and I know this will tickle some of the less sympathetic of you b'stards!!!

The injury requires the long term taking of 2 drugs. They are nothing serious but I found out last week the hard way that they cause constipation. After a couple of days sweating, straining and finally screaming as I gave birth to a fat, useless RAFP (hehe) I listened to Mrs ss' (student nurse) advise and started to take a potion called Lactulose to ease the blockages.

Being a man, I was disgusted that this product did not work within 5 seconds of it entering my body. Therefore I decided to remove the cause of the poo hold up and laid off the drugs, and upped the rate of intake with the Lactulose. Excellent decision ss cos I have spent the last 2 days in agony as the pain has returned and with the shits as the potion has worked!!

I love my life. 22 years in the mob and I still haven't learnt have i?

Regards

ss

PS I have got to do DRILL on this course as well!! DRILL!!!!!!

[splitter]

There was a Regt Bloke on my IMLC (Jan 03) and he wore his greens all the time, including when the rest of us was in Blues. I hope for your sake that the course has changed,cos you could have spent hours bulling your shoes for nothing. Hope that makes you feel better.

[MRB]

sittingduck - Blah blah blah - who cares, shouldn't have got a poorly bobo injury, tube.

[Artist]

ss

They do say Bullshit Baffles Brains...................Get some Jacobean Dark Oak varnish!

Artist

[Devils_Advocate]

As anyone who has breezed through IMLC will know....

There is no I in team, but there is ME....

Low ropes.... You will tree hug at some point

DONT build a tripod!

Try to get as many cliches into the mock inerviews as you can, it makes for a true Oscar perfomer. Its on tape remember...

Whats your 5 and 10 min presentation on?

[Guest]

Whats a guin, I thought you meant guns but spelt wrong.

[Devils_Advocate]

Whats a guin, I thought you meant guns but spelt wrong.

a 'guin' is a generic term for an airman, ie Non Rock, Non Copper and not a techie.

[djmarkmclachlan]

Haha, that made me laugh. Gutted on the drill.

[sittingstress]

TJD, many thanks for your support!

I am a proper Rock as I do have a pair of preprepared shoes in the cupboard and gleaming they are too. Unfortunately they are sprayed which is expressely forbidden on the JIs, so foiled again!!

MRB, thank you for your errrrrrr contribution.

D_A, for my 5 min presentation i chose, "The Use of a Steamer in the Cooking of Fragrant Rice". There is no 10 min presentation now, it has been replaced b a 15 min Air Power one which I am diligently working on right now!

Thank you for all the piss takes, that is what self-depracting humour is all about. MRB that mean ripping the piss out of yourself.

Anyway, we passed the arduous drill check and inspection though the comment to the senior man taking the parade from the Regt WO was a stunner;"Your commands were good and the parade generally reacted well to them however, your personal drill is abysmall AND appalling!" Outstanding effort to produce such a response I think!!

I have been dicked with the course command task of organising the volleyball on Thursday night. Not too sure I will manage that as it will invlove booking the gym, on the phone, unsupervised.

So back to the grindstone.

Regards

ss

PS The good thing is, the course is of value in it's own way to different people

[sittingstress]

TJD, my sense of humour is the last thing to fail me, this trait has caused me a modicum of grief in the past.

The presentations have to be given on "Your trade or current rôle with regard to its direct contribution to Air Power". Fortunately I see this is a relatively easy prospect. My current rôle has a direct effect on the combat effectiveness of the RAF and I have put together a ppt presentation explaining what we do, why we do it and what the links are. Hopefully the content will be ok.

On a lighter note, I am quite a garrulous person and have volunteered to be Mr Vice for the upcoming course Top Table. The majority of students here have never attended one before and as it is operated under the PAYD service time is strictly limited so I thought I would pep things up a bit!

I have warned the Mess manageress off and she did appear a tad concerned but I did assure her I have public liability insurance.

Ok, back to the homework. I intend to get it all done this weekend so I can relax a little next week.

Regards

ss

PS I am being a good Gunner and speaking very nicely to the Rozzers on the course too!

[Devils_Advocate]

PS I am being a good Gunner and speaking very nicely to the Rozzers on the course too!

I am expecting a Post Course Report from them.

The Regt contribution to Air Power hmmm, bit of a paradox as GBAD is to reduce the oppositions.

Hope you get the 'unexpected' recruiting brief...well worth a larf.

How the hell does a PAYD Top Table work? Do you have to get up from the table and queue up at the counter to get your scoff then pay for each course? The carpet hasnt been treated with flame retardent by the way.