A lion is drinking from a puddle and his tail is up. A gorilla walks up behind him, seizes the opportunity, and slips the lion a Liberace.
The gorilla takes off, and the lion takes off after him.
The gorilla runs into a hunter's camp, jumps into a tent, puts on a safari outfit, a pith helmet, grabs a copy of The Johannesburg Times, sits down, and starts to read.
The lion runs into the camp, sticks his head into the tent, and roars,
" Arrgg! Did a gorilla come through here?"
The gorilla says, "You mean the one that shagged the lion in the ass?"
The lion says, "My God! You mean it's in the paper already?"
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I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic.
"I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?"
The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.
"I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply.
He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said...
"Iron this!"
"I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?"
The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.
"I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply.
He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said...
"Iron this!"
"On The 8th Day, God Created Royal Marines, And The Devil Stood To Attention"
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Jason The Argonaut
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The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
I fight for my corner and secondly I leave when the pub closes. - Winston Churchill [img]http://www.world-of-smilies.de/html/images/smilies/teufel/smilie_vampire.gif[/img]
There are three women sitting on an island. Suddently, a genie bottle is washed onto the island.
So the women pick it up and shake it. Out pops a genie who says, 'for freeing me, i shall give each of you a wish.'
So the first woman says, 'I wish you could improve my intelligence by 25 per cent so that I could find a way to get off this island'. So the genie casts his spell. The woman then collects a bunch of sticks, makes a raft and sails away from the island.
The second woman then says, 'I wish you could improve my intelligence by 50 per cent so I can find a way to get off this island'. So again, the genie casts his spell. The woman then chops down a tree, makes a boat and sails away from the island.
The third woman then says 'i wish you could improve my intelligence by 100 per cent so that I could get off this island'.
So the genie casts his spell, turns the woman into a man and he crosses the bridge.
So the women pick it up and shake it. Out pops a genie who says, 'for freeing me, i shall give each of you a wish.'
So the first woman says, 'I wish you could improve my intelligence by 25 per cent so that I could find a way to get off this island'. So the genie casts his spell. The woman then collects a bunch of sticks, makes a raft and sails away from the island.
The second woman then says, 'I wish you could improve my intelligence by 50 per cent so I can find a way to get off this island'. So again, the genie casts his spell. The woman then chops down a tree, makes a boat and sails away from the island.
The third woman then says 'i wish you could improve my intelligence by 100 per cent so that I could get off this island'.
So the genie casts his spell, turns the woman into a man and he crosses the bridge.
The Best Is Yet To Come
One day, God is sitting in a park admiring two superb statues of an attractive man and a stunning woman, who are facing each other.
He is so fascinated by the superb work, that he decides to award the statues by turning them into real people.
So god goes up to them and says, 'for your greatness, I give each of you the freedom of man to do anything that you want for one hour. But at the end of your hour,you must return to your places and become statues once again.'
So god goes away and leaves the man and the woman to do whatever they want. For a while they stand there, not knowing what to do.
The woman then comes over to the man and whispers something into his ear. they both giggle and then walk hand in hand to the bushes. For the rest of the time, all that is heard is giggling and the sound of the bushes shaking.
Almost an hour passes, untill god arrives and calls out for them. The two emerge from the bushes, smiling and giggling with the woman still fastening her pants. God orders them to return to thier places, where they are returned to thier proper form as statues.
100 years later, god returns to the same park and sees the statues. He is astonished that they are still there and decides to award them once again by turning them into real people.
God says to them 'for your patience, I give you another hour to do anything you want.' He then goes away leaving the man and the woman starring at each other.
Once again, the woman approaches the man and whispers something into his ear.
'OK', the man says. 'But this time you hold the pigeon and i'll shit on its head!'
He is so fascinated by the superb work, that he decides to award the statues by turning them into real people.
So god goes up to them and says, 'for your greatness, I give each of you the freedom of man to do anything that you want for one hour. But at the end of your hour,you must return to your places and become statues once again.'
So god goes away and leaves the man and the woman to do whatever they want. For a while they stand there, not knowing what to do.
The woman then comes over to the man and whispers something into his ear. they both giggle and then walk hand in hand to the bushes. For the rest of the time, all that is heard is giggling and the sound of the bushes shaking.
Almost an hour passes, untill god arrives and calls out for them. The two emerge from the bushes, smiling and giggling with the woman still fastening her pants. God orders them to return to thier places, where they are returned to thier proper form as statues.
100 years later, god returns to the same park and sees the statues. He is astonished that they are still there and decides to award them once again by turning them into real people.
God says to them 'for your patience, I give you another hour to do anything you want.' He then goes away leaving the man and the woman starring at each other.
Once again, the woman approaches the man and whispers something into his ear.
'OK', the man says. 'But this time you hold the pigeon and i'll shit on its head!'
The Best Is Yet To Come
George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the President asks him his name.
"Billy!"
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have three questions:
First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?;
Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; and
Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George W. Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resumed, The President says, "Okay where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and ask his name.
"Steve!"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have five questions:
First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?;
Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?;
Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?;
Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?; and
Fifth - what happened to Billy?"
"Billy!"
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have three questions:
First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?;
Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; and
Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George W. Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resumed, The President says, "Okay where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and ask his name.
"Steve!"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have five questions:
First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?;
Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?;
Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?;
Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?; and
Fifth - what happened to Billy?"
If I wanted to listen to an *rsehole, I'd fart!
