Joke

[tony dean]

the SAS, regular army and police force are on an exercise weekend.
the Instructor gathers everyone around and says, "right lads, the aim of the exercise is to go into the woods, and catch me a rabbit".
The SAS go first. They drop to the ground, crawl off in absolute silence, and five minutes later a single silenced shot is heared. they come out of the woods with a rabbit shop cleanly between the eyes. "Great work lads"
Next the regular army go. They chuck drop there cans of larger put on the cam cream and spend the next hour screaming around the woods with grenades, machine gun fire etc. They eventully emerge with the bloodied remains of a rabbit. " Nice work lads, a bit noisy and messy, but well done".
Now its the police force.
For the next 4 hours the police bimble about talking into there radios. charlie, tango, foxtrot over etc. Eventully they emerge from the woods with a fox hancuffed to one of the officers. The instructor goes mad. "What the bloody hells going on?! I asked for a rabbit, not a bloody fox. now go back in there and do as your told".
5 minuteslater the police emerge again handcuffed to the same fox, only now its covered in cuts and bruises. The instructor goes through the roof. " what are you playing at?!!" the instructor demands to know. The policemen glare at the fox, and the poor frightend fox shouts out, "OK, OK, IM A F@@KING RABBIT!

[Dolly Gray]

The following is a FAIRY STORY that is best told when under the affluance of incahol.

ONCE UPON A TIME

In lonely hamlet in far of Bulgaria there lived a very poor Innmaster Hans, his wife Greta and daughter Esmeralda.

As they were so poor it was decided that when Esmeralda came of age (enter here an age suitable to the story and commensurate with the gathered audience) they would have to sell her off in marriage to one of the bachelors of the village.

Needless to say that the girl was horrified that she was going to be sold off like this, however, she understood the predicament that her parents were in, so to help them it was decided to make up a list that she could look at it and decide whom she should marry.

Sadly the selection was not all that brilliant and the girl was left with a short list of 2 suitors Peter the local priest, a quiet man who was very poor, but who could just make the girls buying price and Boris the local Burgher who had a reputation for being wild but was much better off.

Needless to say the parents were looking at Boris as being her choice but Esmerelda was not going to be rushed into marriage and asked for time to make her mind up.

So that the girl would not enter matrimony blind the mother sat the girl down and told her the facts of life, needless to say if the thoughts a marriage were giving the girl grief, the fact that someone was going to slip her a crippler made her even less happy. This probably due to the fact that the mother had only known one man in her life, ‘Hans’ who’s nickname in the village was ‘Two Hands Donk’ and from this Greta judged every mans penis by her husband.

Once she got over her panic attacks the girl settled down and asked her mother if their was any way that she could see Peter and Boris naked to see what it was all about, and then she would make her mind up.

Setting this up for the mother and father was no problem, each man had separate nights at the local bathhouse and so it was that Esmerelda ended up hidden behind the shutters of the bathhouse, with a clear view of the room with a solitary bathtub in the middle of it.

She did not have to wait long before the slight figure of Peter the priest entered the room and commenced to take his clothes off. The state of his clothes were pathetic and suddenly as he stepped into the bath naked the girls main thought was that there was not much to be worried about here. The mans frail body which was covered with fresh scars from his daily lashing and she could not see much in the place her mother told her to look.


The following night as she waited for Boris she sat there with her thought’s on what she had seen the night before, inwardly she hoped that this night would be better. Suddenly the silence was shattered as Boris burst through the door, drunk as a skunk belching farting and singing his head off, he was throwing his clothes in all directions as he stripped off and as soon as he was naked stepped into the bath.

The girl was mesmerised, he was a huge man with his whole body covered in thick black hair, suddenly he turned round to face the girls hiding place and the girl caught full sight of what in later years when more experienced she would describe as a ‘baby’s arm clutching an orange.’

‘kin hell’ what was that’ she thought as she run as fast as she could from the bathhouse, legging it straight home, in the door, up the stairs and into bed. Crying out to her parents that she would make her decision inn the morning.

The following morning her parents sat there as she entered the room.

“Well” said the father, “have you made up your mind daughter?”

“Yes father I have” she said sitting in the armchair

“Well” said the Mother anxious to know what their future held

“I have decided to marry Peter’

“What” shouted both Parents as they fell of their stools

‘Shit there goes the new cart’ said the father and the mother fainted

Once things had settled down the parents sat down again and asked the girl to explain her actions and to her choice of Peter.


“Well mother and father you know that I love you, and I know that you love me, and I have thought of the money and lots of other things, however, there is one thing that sways me to having made the choice that I have made”

“Oh and what’s that” roars the father, very annoyed.


“Well father the decision I have made is based on the simple fact that”

The next bit must be said as fast as you can (not easy if drunk)

“I WOULD RATHER BE PRICKED BY THE PAULTRY AND PUNY PENIS OF PETER THE PAUPER THE POOR PARISH PRIEST - THAN BANGED WITH THE BLUNT AND BULGING BONGER OF BIG BAD BORIS THE BOLD BULGARIAN BURGHER”

[thokenda]

British Army Voice Mail Instructions
ARMY VOICEMAIL
'Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis,
and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory Equal Opportunities training, we will return your call.'
'Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen to the following numbers:'
'If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.'
'If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels, and can be solved by 1 or 2 low risk bombing runs, please press 'Hash' for the Royal Air Force. Please note this service is not available after 1630 hrs, or at weekends.'
'If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Admiralty, Whitehall.'
'If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2 for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.'
'If you are in real, hot trouble please press 3, and your call will be routed to Sandline International.'
'If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut miles from civilisation, and are prepared to work your ******** off daily, risking your life, in all weathers and terrains, both day and night, whilst watching the Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be connected
to a bitter passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop down by the railway station.'
'Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the British Army.'

[Sea Soldier]

A woman is walking past a pet shop & sees in the window,a sign reading "FOR SALE,Fully trained,Clitoris licking Frog ... Apply within" .... so she goes in & the bloke behind the counter says "Bonjour Madame".

[Sea Soldier]

A Bootneck dies & goes to Heaven,on arrival ,he rings the bell & St Peter opens the wicket & asks what he wants,Royal says "I'm dead,I want to come in" .. Peter asks "What did you do on Earth" ?.. so Royal tells him "Twenty two years in the Corps" & Peter says "Come in Mate,You're well qualified" ... Peter then gives him a joining routine ... "Stores first for Harp,Halo & Wings,read DRO's & keep 'yer nose clean,you'll love it here" ... so Royal bimbles off.

Ten minutes & a fag later,the bell rings again,so Peter opens the wicket & standing there is Jack ... same quetions are asked & answers given & Peter tells Jack to "Follow that Bootneck in the distance & do what he does"

Peter has just sat down again,got his feet up,fag on & the Sun opened at Page 3,when the bell goes again,"Oh fer' F***s sakes",says Peter,opens the wicket to see a bloke in what resembles Police Uniform.
"I suppose you're dead & want to come in as well" ? asks Peter ... "That's right" says the bloke ... Peter says "And what did you do on Earth" ?, & the bloke says "I was in the MOD Police for Thirty Years" .... to which Peter replies "Thank F**K for that,mind the Gate,I'm bustin' for a slash" !!

[feathers]

huh, now they issue RM wings just for dying (groan...yawn....blah blah)...

Another Royal Marine dies and goes to heaven (really should be more careful!) and when he gets there he says to St.Peter, 'there arent any paratroopers here are there? I hate paras' St Peter says, 'Paras! You must be joking, they are all in hell chum' RM replies, 'Good!'

A few days after arriving our hero decides to go for a Yomp, he finds a small hill and straps on his bergan and starts yomping, way over in the distance he sees a very steep hill, with a lone figure Tabbing up it at incredible speed, wearing a red beret. Fuming, he grabs St.Peter, and says, ' I thought you said there werent any of the airborne here!?' 'Thats correct says St.Peter' 'Well who did I see out Tabbing then???' says bootie, 'Oh thats not a paratrooper, thats Just God, he only thinks he is a paratrooper!'

[Mutley]

Sorry feathers, you really must try harder - look back a couple of boards!

Never mind, as always a bit light and too late!

But there again as the T shirt front says

"GOD is airborne"

Remember the back says

"He failed the Commando Course"

[El Prez]

A brunette enters the doctors office. "Doctor, everytime I press a part of my body I'm in agony"
"Show me"
Brunette presses on her elbow and moans in pain
"Very unusual, never seen this before" murmurs Doc "Do it again"
She presses on her left knee and howls with the pain
Doc looks thoughtful and asks "You're not really a Brunette are you?"
Simpers coyly "No Doctor I'm really a Blonde"
"Thought so, you've got a broken finger"

[Mutley]

After falling overboard one dark night Jack has been on his tod living off the fat of the land and fruits of the ocean for 10 years.

One morning he spies a dark blob out at sea slowly coming toward him, he realises as it is below the horizon it cannot be a ship. As it draws closer he realises it isn't a boat. Slowly closer still it he can make out the sleak black lines but it cannot be, wait, slowly it starts to rise. There before him stands what is undoubtely a curvaceous female form in a full body wet suit and scuba gear.

Removing her mask and peeling off her hood to reveal long flowing golden looks she says
"Hi, how long have you been here?".
"Ten years" he replies.
Pulling at the fastening on her left arm she enquires
"How long is it since you had a cigarette?"
"Ten years" says Jack, as she pulls out a packet of Dunhill out of the pouch on her arm and passes him one.
Reaching down to the fastening on her thigh she asks
"and how long is it since you had a tot of rum?".
"Ten years" replies Jack.
She pulls out a hip flask from the pouch on her thigh and passes it to Jack who gulps the contents down in one.

Moving closer and slowly reaching for the body fastening of her wet suit, she asks in a sultry voice
"and, how long since you played around?"
"Bloody Hell," Says Jack "Don't tell me you've got a set of clubs in there!".

[Mike]

1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)

2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Makes you hope you never need surgery!)

3. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)

4. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Whoa!)

5. There are men in Guam whose full time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere
else in the world that even comes close to this?)

6. In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

7. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical
fish stores. (But of course!)

8. In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

9. In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

10. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... Not as great as Guam,
though!!)

[Delboy]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting Wales, walks into a small village
and decides he'll have a little fun.

Aussie: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak with him?"
Farmer: "Don't be stupid, the dog doesn't talk"
Aussie: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."

The farmer is astonished.

Aussie: "Is this guy your owner?"
Dog: "Yep"
Aussie: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
to the lake once a week to play." The farmer's mouth falls open in utter
disbelief.
Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Farmer: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I don't think."
Aussie: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"

Now the farmer is absolutely dumbfounded.

Aussie: "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep"
Aussie: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often
and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Farmer: Staggers back in amazement.

Aussie: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Farmer: "The sheep's a f*cking liar."

[El Prez]

Jan phones his boss, "Here Boss Oi just hit a pig with the pick-up".
Boss, "Where is it"
Jan "Caught in the bull bars"
Boss "Well shoot it, then call me back"
Jan " OK boss but what should I do with his motorbike"

[El Prez]

Apparently opticians are selling viagra for the eyes; makes them look wellard!

[feathers]

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't. You get down from a duck.

[Rotary Booty]

12 Marines and a Wren are washed up on a desert island.
After 5 years the Wren is so disgusted with what they are doing, she dies.
After 5 more years the Marines are so disgusted with what they are doing, they bury her.
After 5 more years the Marines are so disgusted with what they are doing, they dig her up again.