Last Saturday this Owd Dear fainted just outside the Market hall. As it was, both the Red Cross mob and the St Johns mob had their ambulances parked on opposite sides of the town square doing a bit of HEARTS & MINDS with the general public. The Red Cross were using a Heart Defibrillator on unsuspecting volunteers from the watching crowd (you should have heard the screams. CLEAR! GAWHOOMPH! ARRGGGHHHhhhh!!!!) One elderly gentleman lost his top set of false fangs when he was suddenly jerked into the upright postion due to the 20000 volts that coursed though his body for that split second of time.
Whilst the St Johns mob had this ere "Resus-e-Anne" dummy decked out in this rather fetching Crimson Basque number complete with black fishnet sussies and thigh length patent black leather stilleto heeled boots. She rather reminded me of Owd "Goodtime Suzie" my faithful inflatable doll with the hilarious helium attachment....Arrr memories..................ANYWAY! They were letting the general public give her one. You know what I mean! Mouth to mouth and suchlike (By heck you should have seen the queue!).
It was then that both sets of volunteers clocked that this Owd Dear had collapsed. So both groups were off like a whores draws trying to get to her first. Sirens blaring, wheels spinning, brakes screeching (the Owd Dear was 150 yards away). Four innocent members of the general public were knocked down during the race to get to her.
You should have seen it when they both arrived at the scene. Two ambulances, two stretchers, one patient.............. Cue one mega big punch up between the two sets of volunteers. At one stage this ere St Johns bod had this ere Red Cross bod by the knackers threatening to rip them off if the Red Cross bod even thought about helping the Owd Dear!
As it was the Police & Firebrigade were called to the scene by a concerned citizen, the place by this time resembled a street in Baghdad. At one stage the chief Red Cross bloke had to be held down by three coppers as he had pulled out a full tank of Entinox and was threatening to knock out the chief St Johns bloke with it.As for the Owd Dear.......Well, she very foolishly managed to get to her feet and tried to leg it away but unfortunately was spotted by both sets of volunteers at the exact same moment in time and was rugby tackled to the ground by at least eleven of the buggers! This resulted in her receiving multiple injuries to her head, back, left shoulder, right knee, chin and various internal organs. So one of those GREEN & YELLOW Go Faster emergency doctor cars was called. Once the Doc had given her a quick look over it was decided to rush her to hospital using a proper Ambulance which by this time had also arrived on the scene. As by this stage both sets of volunteers had set fire to each others ambulances.
In the end five police cars, two fire appliances and four proper ambulances were in attendance at this unfortunate incident.
The final casualty list came to:
One very severely injured Owd Dear.
Four St Johns and three Red Cross volunteers with various injuries ranging from human bitemarks to the ankle right up to a badly swollen Groinal area (it's reckoned that it will take up to four weeks to massage the poor buggers knackers back down again).
Nine innocent members of the public, four were mown down by the two ambulances as they rushed to the Owd Dears aid. The other five had several minor contusions to various parts of their anatomy caused by the wayward throwing of two heavy duty stretchers and a full tank of Entinox pain relieving gas at the height of the incident.
One Firefighter who had dropped a fire extinguisher on his foot and broken his big toe.
Two Policemen with mild to moderate concussion (one tripped over the fire extinguisher dropped by the Firefighter which resulted in the second policeman tripping over the first policeman).
And one fatality:
A Yorkshire Terrier (which was crushed to death when the mob of volunteer ambulancemen had rugby tackled the Owd Dear to the ground while she was atempting to get away from them. Turned out that she had it inside her coat cos it was a tad wet & chilly so she didn't want it to catch a cold).
At the height of this unfortunate incident the highest ranking Policeman in attendance had the Firebrigade turn the high pressure hoses on the two sets of volunteers as it was deemed the best thing to do in order to reduce the casualty list.
Next Saturday whe'em got the Salvation Army and the Church Army on the town square showing the Public what they do for the community in general............................................ I've heard tell that all Police, Firefighter and Ambulance staff leave has been cancelled for the day.
Artist
Any witnesses 
