Oration

[El Prez]

I attended a funeral today for an old lady of 94, the service continued as normal, was urbane and far from celebrating her life, until her daughter in law stood up and gave an oration which only lasted 3-4 minutes, but has brightened my day. If I ever get the opportunity I'll do the same for my friends and family. The humanity expressed is so much warmer and superior to the inconsequential meanderings of an unknown Minister,who never knew the individual.

[Yorkie Malone]

Rob It's a eulogy...........and as it's the only "ology" that I'm going to get then I want to do in the form of a tape, myself.

Well no one will say any good of me so I may as well get the last word in.

The other one is that I would like Coffin bearers.... AND Pall bearers, the PALL being made out of a pussers blanket with 4 broom handels to hold it up.

If anyone cries then they buy a round, and the only thing that is allowed to be black is Stockings and Suspenders, which will be worn by the blokes.

Pity I'll miss the pu..could have a dry run.

SyY

[El Prez]

Spent ages searching the th'aurus, knew it weren't Horatio but had to put it down, before I forgot what I was say....

[Archie]

Rob, I know exactly what you mean. Did you know that anyone can do a funeral service?

A friend died of cancer last year and before he died he asked me to the honours for him.

He and I have a similar disdain for organised religion and when I looked into it, the staff at the Crematorium and the undertakers were all for people doing it their own way.

Now old Bob was a bit of a lad in his day, ran with one of the big London gangs as a youngster (his best friend is called Trigger, and not the fools and horses kind).

On the day of the funeral all these big heavy looking lads in black leather jackets were reduced to tears by the personalness (if there is such a word) of the whole thing.

It made a difficult day much easier for everyone, just by having someone up there who actually cared, rather than a Vicar that didn't even know him.

[Sisyphus]

I've asked my wife to play a Life on the Ocean Wave on the way in and the chorus from the Follies Bergere on the way out. She flatly refuses. At least for the "exit".

[Archie]

Bob wanted Rod Stewarts "Sailing" for both the in and the out part, being an ex matelot and all.

Me, I want to go out with "see you later alligator"

[El Prez]

Thanks Archie, mines all organised through the Humanist Society (they have a web site). They will conduct a simple service at graveside or crematorium and no nonsense, hymns or prayers. I'd ask nurse to speak about me, but she'd be too choked up laughing all the way to the bank.

[Archie]

I don't really care what they do with my remains, there probably wont be much left anyway.

My only wish is that I die quickly. The preffered method is to be shot in bed by a jealous husband on my 90th birthday. I just hope he is a good shot, as I wouldn't want his wife or daughter getting hurt by accident.

[Yorkie Malone]

Oh yes forgot

Carried in to March of the Hebrew Slaves

Carried out to Bat out of Hell

SyY

[Charlie]

I've been planning this for a while.

Crematorium. I'll make a CD with some Enya instrumental, just to go with the ambience of the occasion. The curtains close............

10 seconds later,music fades, my voice "Hey it's cold and dark in here!"

20 seconds later "Hmmmm, that's better"

I'll be somewhere up there/down there, pissing myself.

Easy to do, embed a WAV file in the CD, nobody would know before it's too late.

[Sea Soldier]

It is my earnest wish to be buried at Sea .... in order that all the "Jobsworths",Petty Beaurocrats,Politicians & Bosses,who have deliberately made life harder than it needed to be,can be invited to attend & ... dance on my grave !

[sturgy]

Personally i'm gonna swallow a good load of PE and everyone will get a bit of me!!!!!!

[Sea Soldier]

But where would they put the detcord ? ... I don't suppose it matters if you're brown bread !

[Artist]

I'm going to give my body to science.

It'll give em something to laugh at.

Aye steve evans