Bootneck Humour

[JR]

Bootneck humour carried over into civvie street

On joining H.M.Prison service and being posted to the 'University of the Moor' and well before the PC brigade entered the arena,Dartmoor 'nick' was well staffed with ex booties and of course well stacked with bootneck humour.

The segregation unit (the block) was full of obnoxious b'stards and so called hard men one of which would throw the contents of his pot at the unlocking officer.The ex bootie I was on duty with on one particular evening stated,jr I've had enough of this b'stard cover for me for about 10 minutes,the ex bootneck in question went to the Prison Chaplains office borrowed the 'sky pilots' shirt and dog collar came back to the seg unit dressed as a Chaplain unlocked the obnoxious one and proceeded to fill him in.
Next morning governors rounds the con in question complained to the governor that during the night the chaplain had entered his cell and kicked 7 bells of shi'ite out of him? the governor of course said Oh Yea tell me another one,cell door slammed no more problems.Now thats treatment and training bootneck style.Aye jr

[Doc]

During a tour to Canada, a few of us went ashore in Calagary. First night wasnt that good as most places were ticket only or full. Being the stampede time of year it was busy.
Next day we played rugby against a local side and went ashore in blazers and slacks. After a quick visit back to the grots for aftershave, durex and hair gel replen, one of the lads suggested we put a walkman earpiece in one ear, run the wire down inside neck collar and walk around speaking to ones cufflinks.
One of the lads was passed off as John Majors son and that was the scam to get in night clubs.
It back fired, in the first club the local securtiy tried to patch into their comms and grew suspiscious of us all going to the heads to get out of it (at the same time), then as Johns son was getting stacks of attention and free drinks we were refused service and had to walk around looking like a bunch of right twats.
In the end Johns son was pulled from the group of lovelies and bundled outside, at which time local heavies realised the con and gave chase.
Ended up in a downtown and downtrodden strip joint still sober at 2am with John major Junior pished out of his head and open to all kinds of evil pranks.

[Artist]

Being "Sold to a Queer" was my downfall in Canada.

Went back to the Queers Gaff, filled in the Queer, had it away with his dosh plus a nice radio. Barsteward reported me to the Cops! Turned out he was a leading light in the Government. Ooooops!!!!

"We all make mistakes" as the Darlek said leaping of the Dustbin!!

Artist

[El Prez]

Being sold to a poof every five minutes is starting to sound iffy Artist. How many times was your partnership consumated before the necessary ugly scene and split up?
You couldn't have developed the arse you did without some conniving nonce giving you one at least every pay day.
The truth should be told.

[Doc]

During same tour we frequented a posh bar in a skyscraper in Edmonton, Recce troop stripey was dancy with an essence lady all dolled in long dress hair up teeth in etc.

Half way through the slow number Stripey makes a whole and storms out of the club.

We gave chase to discover the essence birds crutch "grew" under the pressure of close contact and grinding.

One day we also read the headline "local man accussed of Moose Molesting!" at least its easier to spot what sex it is I guess

[Artist]

When you were as Skin and Essence as wot I was Prez it was money for old rope.

I looked on them as Cash Machines. The plus was that it didnt effect your bank account. (not that I had one in them days mind)

Didnt happen all the time only on the odd blank week! And no, never had meself reamed. I was always Sober and quick on me feet.

Artist

[Mike]

When you were as Skin and Essence as wot I was Prez it was money for old rope.

I looked on them as Cash Machines. The plus was that it didnt effect your bank account. (not that I had one in them days mind)

Didnt happen all the time only on the odd blank week! And no, never had meself reamed. I was always Sober and quick on me feet.

Artist

Oh REALLY........

[Artist]

Mike

Nowadays any Fairy with twig sitting tendancies could catch me no problems! Rent A Biff anyone?

Had a few wets with a lad on leave from CTC yesterday. Poor sods got a stress fracture in his hip, so Hunter Troop for the next four months. Talking to him you get the feeling that the Bootneck sense of humour is alive and well.

Me and him cheesed down at this slightly the worse for wear gentleman who ordered a wet at the bar, turned round and forgot all about the three steps he had to walk down to his table. Weeeee! Splat! Ouch! All the others just said things like "Arrr the Poor Man" "Is he hurt?" "Someone Help him" We just glopped our wets. Then we were accused of being Callous! Kin Civvies!

Artist

[Humphs]

When we was in 41 in Malta we went to Canada. we went to the local ,I say local 3-4 mile yomp through the ulu to the road and another 20 odd miles down the road to the pub/bar. we was having a couple of sherberts when a couple of the locals kicked off with each other the barman told them to go outside to finish it off, so out they went along with most of the bar , we just loooked at each other and said mine sweeping anyone? where we went to town on the left wets, I think what gave us away when they came back was the fact that you couldn't see our table with all the wets on it. We left in a hurry out the back door.

[Guest]

Humphs, was that june 76? if so, was you in the pub near St Johns when the bar staff asked Tommy Atkins how old he was, and did he have any ID, i never saw Tommy move so quick, he was well chuffed at being asked.

[Humphs]

Yea same trip ,same one I think as when the brown bear came into the camp and turned over one of the Tardis s##t houses and one of the csm's got into trouble for shooting it. Bear steaks anyone. Same trip or the one the year after when me and a couple of our troop ( A/tks ) can't say who ended up in a red indians log cabin in the middle of nowhere, a couple of us had to service her as she wouldn't give us a lift back otherwise

[Guest]

Humphs, i`ve got some photo`s of that there brown bear somewhere, i`ll fish some out and post them, if i remember rightly, the chefs ( i couldn`t find another word ) kept feeding it ferking great tubs of honey, and the blighter wouldn`t go away.