History Lesson

[Meekon]

The History of the World According to Student Bloopers

Richard Lederer - St Paul's School

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have
pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States,
from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn
a lot.

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the
Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate in the Sarah is such that
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a
huge triangular cube. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France
and Spain.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to
sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's
birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be
patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave
refuse to the Israelites.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them
to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the philatelists, a race of people who lived in biblical
times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds
of columns-- Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a
female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the
River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by
Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship
that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by
Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government
of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands.
There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they
couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought
with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more
men.

Eventually the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the
guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he
was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his
poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Then came the middle ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims
of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta
provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of
the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their
human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for
selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by
a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made
him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
world with a 100-foot clipper.

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the
"Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself
before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah". Then her navy went out and
defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear
never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at
Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In
one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by
relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to
convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet
are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear
was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John
Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise
Regained.

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims
crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed
at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill
rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on
their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their
cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one
for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John
Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in the
tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without
stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls
over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally,
the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against
itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of
our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died
in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength". Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He
also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the
Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan
would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It
claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln
went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a
moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the
apples are falling off the trees.

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel
was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach
died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was
deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest,
even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
died for this.

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic wars, the
crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish
gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon
became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He
wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
couldn't bear children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the
East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She
sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her
life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event
which ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure
for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the
Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the
Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

[CrouchmasterT]

This is killing me, its the work of geniuses (sp?) I wish I could of been their when "queen Elizabeth exposed herself before the troops and they shouted hurrah".

[bigbart]

This is killing me, its the work of geniuses (sp?) I wish I could of been their when "queen Elizabeth exposed herself before the troops and they shouted hurrah".

I wouldn't have minded seeing them battling that Spanish Armadillo, either..

[Redhand]

lol...thats too good.

[Guest]

As an American and a Veteran, I wish to commence by offering to thank you for clearing up all those confusions up for so that I might begin to perhaps begin to have some small and perhaps even moderate consumated grasp of myself...er.uh... of history when seen, or perhaps I should say, observed, or then again perhaps not, uh, where was I...oh yes... grasping myself...uh no, uh... the hell with it. Thanks. Herk.

[Phildo]

That is great Meekon.

Sounds like a George Bush speech.

[snyder]

That history is brilliant, but I did find one error. Christopher Columbus's boats were the El Nino, the Santa Claus and the Pinata. They sailed through bad weather bearing gifts and candy. And I always learned the The Mayonnaise was the song of the French revolution, which is why we have sandwiches.

[Sticky Blue]

Didn't Sir Francis Drake circumcise the world with a 40' cutter?

[Tab]

Sounds painful Sticky Blue

[Col.Parsons]

Well, that is probably one of the funniest things I've ever read

I especially like the part saying, "Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead." Hilarious!!!


And these kids are supposed to be how old??

I mean, I know that literacy is a problem with children, and indeed adults also, but some of that is unbelievable!

(Sarcasm initiated)
It certainly instills great faith in the American education system for teaching English and History
(Sarcasm ceased)


Si

[Meekon]

Had this sent to me this morning - evidence that grown ups are just as stupid! Enjoy!

The Weakest Link, BBC1/BBC2

Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.

Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.

Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels -- travelling
entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written
by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

National Lottery Jet Set, BBC1

Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the

initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.

Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol

Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear
that,I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?

Family Fortunes, ITV

Les Dennis: Name something sold by gypsies.
Contestant: Bananas.

The Afternoon Programme Quiz, ABC 774

Presenter: Who killed Cock Robin?
Contestant: Oh God, I didn't even know he was dead.

Lincs FM phone-in

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in
Spain.

Steve Wright Show, Radio 2

Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.

Wright: The leader of the orchestra plays which musical instrument?
Contestant: The baton.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Expresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.

Wright: What was the animal referred to in Val Doonican's song Paddy
McGinty's??
Contestant: I don't know.
Wright: It begins with a "G".
Contestant: Cow.

Midday Money, ITV

Judy Finnegan: The American TV show The Sopranos is about opera --
true or false?
Contestant: Er -- true.
Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV
show, so I'll give you that.

BBC Radio Newcastle

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel
last? Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

Bob Hope Birthday Quiz, LBC

Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four.

BBC GMR, Phil Wood Show

Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

Daryl's Drivetime, Virgin Radio

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

Alledgedly real answers given to Larry Gogan on the Just a Minute Quiz
on 2FM:

1 Something a blind man might use? A Sword
2 A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
3 Name the Capital of France? F
4 Name a bird with a long Neck? Naomi Campbell
5 Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
6 Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the Dental Hospital
7 What is Hitlers first name ? Heil
8 A famous Scotsman? Jock
9 Some famous brothers ? Bonnie and Clyde.
10 A dangerous race ? The Arabs
11 Something that floats in a bath ? Water
12 An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? A horse
13 Something you wear on a beach ? A deckchair
14 A famous Royal ? Mail
15 Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? A bicycle with
wings
16 A famous bridge ? The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17 Something a cat does ? Goes to the Toilet
18 Something you do in the bathroom ? Decorate
19 A method of securing your home ? Put the kettle on
20 Something associated with pigs ? The Police
21 A sign of the Zodiac ? April
22 Something people might be allergic to ? Skiing
23 Something you do before you go to bed ? Sleep
24 Something you put on walls ? A roof
25 Something Slippery ? A conman
26 A kind of ache ? A fillet of fish
27 A Jacket Potato topping ? Jam
28 A food that can be brown or white ? A potato

[Guest]

Very good Meekon, this one

Wright: The leader of the orchestra plays which musical instrument?
Contestant: The baton.

I actually heard on the Dave Lee Travis show, many moons ago, it was either the "Darts" or "Snooker" on the radio, saturdays and sundays, and when DLT asked the question, the contestant gave the answer, and poor old DLT cracked up something rotten, he was that bad, that after 15 - 20 minutes of continuous laughing, the producer had to take over the show, as every time DLT went to tell the guy the right answer, DLT cracked up yet again.

For those who don`t know the answer, its the Violin.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/england/threecount ... avis.shtml

for those who don`t know the guy, try these

http://www.radiorewind.co.uk/sounds/DLT1.mp3

this next link, go to the bottom of the page, third link up, and actually listen to the guy, its a classic

http://www.radiorewind.co.uk/dave_lee_travis_page.htm

[Mozzie]

My,my,my they were brilliant. One of my friends in school, many years ago, was asked what did Anne Boleyn lose when she was beheaded, and what did it mean. He replied ' Her virginity, miss, and I suppose she lost it in the normal way' We all cracked up coz he was busy telling his then girlfriend what he was going to do to her...lol

[harry hackedoff]

Mozzie, oi loiks that
Col.Parsons is your name Colin, are you a Colonel or are you trying to emulate Col Sanders? Or are you er, you know
I think we should be told.
And that`d be right now please

[Col.Parsons]

Actually, it's my username from another site for a mil-sim, so yes - it stands for Colonel.

I've got another one that's Lt_Parsons, but that's because I couldn't be bothered to use the same screename


So I'm not really a Colonel, nor could I ever hope to be a Colonel, other than in my head