My partner has just joined up

[scarletb]

Hi,
My partner has just joined up to be a royal marine. He is still in his 30 week training at lympstone and I really miss him. We meet nearly three years ago and although joining the forces had been metioned i never through he would really do it. I am happy that he did join up because he seems alot happier. He always told me that he wanted to sort his career out before he settled down. He now talks to me about setteling down and moving in together which is what i have wanted for a little while now. I am not sure how it all work though and this is what i want to find out from you guys. Once my partner has finished his training and is moved to a commando unit what do I do? Will we be able to get acomodation together? I know my friends boyfriend joined the army and she couldnt live with him until they were married. The problem is that I live in Manchester and although I have travelled down to see my partner on a couple of accasions ,this is a 4 hrs journey and costs me £60 just to drive there and back, I can not continue to do this once he is sent to a commando unit. What if he gets sent to Scotland I willnever see him. We have talked about me moving down once he is given a unit but I really dont know how easy this will be. Please can someone offer some advise someone out there must have been in the same situation as me at sometime.

[North Sea Tigress]

Hi Scarlett,

You are in a pretty tough position. You will only be given service married quarters if you are married (hence the name!) There will be nothing to stop your fella from requesting to live off camp though (apart from his miserable wage precluding him affording local rent prices.) This of course would mean you moving to the area which he is drafted to, which could be Scotland or the South West of England. Both of these places are a long way from Bury and you will be on your own to the degree that the forces are miserably poor at recognising partners who are not married. They have tried to improve it recently, but as I am outside now, I am not sure how well they are doing on this one. Many people choose to continue their relationship at a distance. He will be given travel warrants to get home a few times a year. I guess it depends how strong a position you are in with regards to employment if you move to another area. Please have a long hard look at your relationship too, as many relationships from pre-service life flounder in the time after basic training. This would appear to result from the huge changes which take place in people from both a psychological and social perspective during the transition from civvie to serviceman. It could be pretty traumatic if you were to move hundreds of miles form home, to be with your fella, only to realise that things have changed beyond all recognition and the relationship ended.

That sounds all a bit negative, doesn't it? I didn't mean to, but I just thought it would be more helpful to be honest and let you make an informed decision.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

[barbie]

I can only back up what has already been written by NST (hiya by the way) and add that the distance between you can make or break things,

But if it breaks it won't be the distance that caused it,

the relationship can survive distance but not change on either side as you both go through the transition your man is making unless you both work hard at it,
if you had a strong relationship before and he shares his new experiences with you and helps you to understand the difference within himself then you can both go forward at the same pace
I wish you lots of luck, patience and understanding and a strong sence of self preservation

barb (just returned from Paris where we celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary)

[scarletb]

I love my partner so much I have got to admit I am a little upset at your replys. I hoped everything would be ok and that I would be able to move down and continue our relationship as always. From what my partner has said he though it would be easy for me to move down to be with him, he assured me all would be ok. We have been together for three years and I can not imagin life without him now. We do have a very strong relationship and do want to be together. I think that the fact that we are older both being in our late twenties should help. We have tslked about geting married but i do not want to get married just because he has joined the forces.
Is there any one out there that can tell me something encouraging. I need to know that it can work.

[Sticky Blue]

Scarlet... be strong love! Your man needs you to be positive because if this is his dream you need to support him, even if you are not happy at the moment. Don't look short term but look long term.

You need to wait until he completes training and gets settled in a unit. There is every possibility that with you both working you'll be able to rent somewhere together and live as a couple. As the girls have already said "you are not recognised" by the Corps... at the moment! Changes are afoot and partners (long term) are begining to get certain rights; pension and compassion leave etc. It is still early days in the forces moving into the 21st century but they are being dragged, albeit kicking and screaming.
Keep your spirits up and be there for him, he is going through a lot of changes in his life style and things are not easy at CTC. You, and he, are already part of the family of the Corps and welcome. If you need a chat, you know where to come. You won't be told what you want to hear but you will be told the truth. NST, Barbie, Loz et al have or are living life 'in the family' and won't pull any punches.

[scarletb]

Thanks for your support its good to find out about how life will be. I will always stick by my man and I will never look back.

Whats real life like in the marines ? How often will my partner be sent away and how often will he be back?

I guess I just want to know what I am letting myself in for not that it will really matter . If I want to spend the rest of my life with my partner I have to take what ever is thrown at me I cant change it. If he is away more than he is home so be it I will have to cope and I am sure that with support from my family and friends I will.

[Sticky Blue]

Generally speaking and notwithstanding conflict:
as an average, and this is very avaerage, 6-12 months spent awy from home in his first 2 years. This depends on: what his job is, SQ (trade), unit's tasks, Unit's commitments, political climate etc.

[barbie]

Sorry I sounded negative Scarlet, I can't help with the particular problems around living as unmarrieds and during training as mine was already in, and we married before his second draft abroad in 73, I have no regrets about the life and in fact am wondering if things will be the same when he is at home all the time, the trick is to look forward to the homecommings and not dwell on the separation, the more he is away the more homecomming there are, now i'm deluding myself!
I know I missed my family dreadfully and more so when he was away,
living in quarters then was better as there were people around you in the same boat so if you move with your man make sure he introduces you to some of his mates partners before he goes off for the first time and at least telephones are cheaper to use to keep in contact with friends and family than they used to be.
So as a piece of encouragement ,my relationship has not only survived
but i think is better now than 30 years ago even with all the separation and moving.
goodluck again
barb

[Sticky Blue]

Sorry I had to cut the previous post short... I was at work and supposed to be updating the website and strayed, nearly got caught as well!
What I said earlier is a massive generalisation and is dependent upon any number of different factors. With promotion comes more separation but not in all cases. If he became a driver he might spend a few nights away as the CO's driver but not long deployments, on the other hand the CO may deploy and take him with him... you see what I mean. There are thousands of ifs and buts and maybes, all I can say is that women like Barbie, Lozhop, NST et al are the reason we can do what we do. It might be tough being a Royal Marine but it can, and often is, be tougher to be the wife of one! The home comings are always a great cause for celebration... open the door, jump on the Mrs and have an hour of wild passionate love making and when all the loving is spent we always take off our bergans, have a shower and take the little lady out for a nice meal of fish and chips!

[scarletb]

My fella has been home this weekend , I went down to CTCRM and picked him up its a bit of a long joyrney but its certanly worth it. We have spent a great weekend together and I am so looking forward to spending Christmas with him in 2 weeks.
I have discussed my fears with my partner and once again he has re assured me that everyhing will be ok. I am realising that it is as hard for him being away from me as it is for me. He doesnt know what will happen once he is with a unit but definatly wants me with him. All I can do is stop worring about the future and just go with it.

[scarletb]

Thanks again for all the encouragement, life will be great once my partner has passed out I am sure and it’s good to know that I can get help and advice when it is needed.
My partner said it was a very tight community/family and that everyone would be in the same boat. He said that other girlfriends/wives would be able to help me through the times when he is away and it looks as though you all will.
Maybe I will see some of you in the flesh sometime soon.
Thanks again.

[Sisyphus]

I love my partner so much .

scarlet,

Would marriage be out of the question? It would solve the problem of Married Qtrs. [although that should not be even a minor reason for taking the plunge.]

People can always (and do) rent privately near wherever the barracks are. Mind you, it would be less lonely if you could live near other wives who are in the same boat as you. One New Year's Eve I was whisked away. We'd only just arrived in Malta. The other girls [who'd never met my wife] knocked on her door and dragged her off. They looked after her until I got back.

So, in short, I think you'll need moral support, particularly during the absences. But also during the day when he's at 'work'.

When I left the mob we moved to L'pool. My wife comes from Plymouth. It was a very lonely time for her up here at first. Strange accent; didn't know a soul, etc.... And I was away for 3 months (home w/ends) trg to be a fireman. What kept her sane was we had two v. young children.

Anyway, Good Luck, whatever you decide.

[hoppersa]

This may sound corny, but my grandmother once told me that in order for a relationship (whether you are married or dating exclusively) to survive and grow throughout the years (and military life) you need to have just a couple of things:

1. Your own interests. It's great if you enjoy the same things in life, but you really need to find things that you enjoy and can spend time doing on your own. For those times when he is away (for whatever reason the military deems fit) you need to be able to enjoy life and find satisfaction and fulfillment in it. Explore the possibilities and know that each day will go by much quicker if you are leading an enjoyable life and you don't find resentment in being seperated.

2. Love no matter who, what, where, when or why. That may sound strange, but everyone experiences growing pains in relationships. In the military, you experience a few more because of the added strain of seperation, unexpected change, disappointments, etc. No matter what the situation, no matter who caused it and why, no matter where you thought you were heading and now you don't know - NEVER let ANYTHING overcome your love for one another. Find the love and support of friends and family during the difficult times and always remember why you fell in love and what makes your man/woman the light of your life. Don't let anyone discourage you.

3. Roads will be roads. Life is like a road. A road is supposed to have curves in it. There will be bumps to make you stumble and dead ends to make you retrace your steps. Someone might even pass you and give you the finger, but life if still alright. Learn to overcome the obstacles or just go around the d#!m things. Where there is a will, there is a way!

She went on to say that patience, understanding and all that other garbage (her words, not mine) is important, but come on, no one is perfect, nor is life.

Find strength within yourself and you will find strength to overcome all that the military (and life) throws your way!!!

I know this sounds like a load of cow puckies, but it must work because she has been married just shy of 70-years to the same man. Unfortunately, she didn't bless me with this "bible of marital wisdom" until after I had already stumbled down that darkened road, got my tires shot out from under me and had to walk my unhappy arse to the divorce lawyers office. Live and learn!

Keep your chin up scarletb!!!!

Shelley

[hoppersa]

open the door, jump on the Mrs and have an hour of wild passionate love making

Only an hour???!! For shame!! :kissing2:

[goldie ex rmp]

all sound advice im sure you agree, i wish you both all the best together